Please Help - How do you see this?

Princess_Lily

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/64147060.aspx

The above is our back story from a month ago.

I'm trying to see this from all angles so I could prepare for next weeks meeting.  I would like anothers perspective on the matter.  The head of the school wants to have an (unscheduled) meeting with us regarding DS.  When I asked what it was about, so we know what to expect...their response was that it was regarding DS's "napping issues and behavior problems."

 

Now to give you a little further information, since the last post (see link) he has received 4 more reports.  The time of the incidents are always at naptime, and always are something to the effect of, they are trying to make DS nap and he is either pinching, hitting or kicking the teacher - never a peer.  DS is not a violent child, his hitting at home has been down to 1x because we are enforcing the punishment (immediate time out upon contact).  They aren't giving quiet play options for him clearly...and if they are...he simply doesn't want to do it.  The only thing I could think of this common theme is that they are physically holding him down to make him sleep, and that's why he is acting that way.

He doesn't nap anymore (or rarely), I give him the option to nap (10min) in his bed, and if he doesn't we move on to something that focuses his attention (gardening, painting, etc.)  At this school, one of the teachers said "I'm wasting my money with the 9-2:45p schedule, because he doesn't nap."

So here is my conclusion, and correct me if I'm wong...they seem to want a "textbook child" who naps (All children in their school 4-5's nap too) because its easier for them.  Now here comes along DS who is a little more spirited than most, and they don't like this, because having DS challanges them to find other ways to soothe children.

This meeting to me, is either to require us to drop him to half days (9-12:30) or to force us to be so uncomfortable that we end up doing so without them verbalizing it. I mean the kid isn't bringing knives to school, or something like this...its a nap issue.

I requested for all copies of the reports prior to our meeting so I could be better prepared; they always give them to me at the end of the day when there are parents & children scurrying all over the place, and DS is pulling at me to go, so there are some I don't have reports of - its hard to hold a conversation when all of that is going on.  At the meeting I will ask them to fax me the report to sign prior to me coming to the school...so in the future its a non issue. 

 

Now, I work for my family's business.  What if dropping to a half day isn't an option?  Do I go back to SAHM because the school doesn't like the naptime issue? 

How do you see this? 

 

LoveEeyore

It sounds as if you are so frustrated and backed into a corner so on the defensive.  You are making assumptions and leaping to "this daycare or quit."  I point this out not to be mean.

As an advocate for special needs' kiddos, I ask you this.  Close your eyes, and imagine walking through this meeting and it going perfectly.  What would be the outcome?  There is clearly a problem; short of the problem vanishing, what is the optimal outcome?

Do you want a staff member to make accomodations and for a part of nap take him out to get energy out?  Do you want them to understand him better?  Do you want them to explain to you why they are willing to play monkey in the middle in the nap room but not provide him with the stimulation he needs? Would you like to understand why, from an educational professional's perspective you are wasting your money?   Figure out what exactly you want out of the meeting.   Stop making assumptions about what they want, and focus on what you want.  Then brainstorm.

For every question/wish, have 2-3 ways to solve the problem.  Offer to hire a behavior consultant to observe and consult with him.  Offer to speak to his pediatrician and get his opinion on his sleep needs.  Offer to wake him earlier.  Suggest they run him ragged, give him extra physical  time right before nap.  Remind them that between may and September there is a lot of growth.  Express gratitude.  Express appreciation for their concerns and your equal concern. Express the willingness to do the legwork if they need more info or resources. But above all, stay calm and no finger pointing behavior.  You never want your frustration to punish your kid.  And you don't want them to stop keeping you apprised of what's going on.

Additionally, for your own sake, consider finding a new placement for fall.  Tell them you empathise with their struggles, and you will find a place better suited to a kid with his needs for the fall but ask them to please bear with him for the next 6-7 weeks.  Or also look at how you can rearrange your schedule... could you work 6 1/2 days? Could you go in earlier and leave earlier? 

I guess it boils down to what would it take for you and DS to be happy there.  Are you willing to do that?  Good luck.  My situation is not even marginally close to yours with my  language delayed DS, and he is adored by his teacher but she is unable to "get" him or even help him in his setting and momma bear just wants to rip him out and keep him home with me.  So I can't imagine getting to your point.  I hope you find a solution that works.

LoveEeyore

wife07mom09:

if the kids need to nap or do quiet activities and your child is disrupting the other children then yes, you need to either teach him to be quiet (BTW all children need quiet time even if they dont nap-longer than 10 mins) or pull him out.  Daycare is not individual care, it is in a group.  perhaps get a nanny if you want one on one care.

 

Id be ticked if 1 child was disrupting my childs nap or quiet time constantly. 

I agree to a point, and would be annoyed too, but at the daycare, not the child.  I am just dumbfounded that someone in the child development field is not accomodating a child who doesn't nap, and that they would expect an awake toddler to sit quietly for 1.5 hrs with no stimulation on a cot.  That's not developmentally appropriate.  They are children, not magnets to be arranged at will.  I don't know.

Reagan1010

I was a preschool teacher before I had DS. I once had a child in my class who wasn't a napper. He would sit on his cot quietly while I got the rest of the class down. That usually took about 10-15 mins. After that I had my planning time in my office and my assistant teachers stayed in the room for the rest of the day. What we did was that little boy picked out a few toys and came to my office with me. He could play as loudly as he wanted and after nap was over, I walked him back to the cclassroom.  Maybe you could talk to your teachers about something like that. It worked really well! GL!! I hope the meeting goes well! Let us know how it goes!!

Princess_Lily

Reagan1010:

I was a preschool teacher before I had DS. I once had a child in my class who wasn't a napper. He would sit on his cot quietly while I got the rest of the class down. That usually took about 10-15 mins. After that I had my planning time in my office and my assistant teachers stayed in the room for the rest of the day. What we did was that little boy picked out a few toys and came to my office with me. He could play as loudly as he wanted and after nap was over, I walked him back to the cclassroom.  Maybe you could talk to your teachers about something like that. It worked really well! GL!! I hope the meeting goes well! Let us know how it goes!!

Thanks for the input everyone.

I wrote down approx 5 suggestions on what to do with this situation, and one of them is to give him a job to do/give him toys to play with in another part of the school with a different teacher, just for nap time...We will see how this meeting goes.  We want the school to work, at first the adjustment was hard, and now that we are in a routine and I see progress in his development I only want him to thrive there.

Now if in this meeting we see that they are reluctant to try anything different, or work with him in ways they are comfortable that we can all agree on, instead of
"forcing" DS to nap...then it will work, if not...then I will have to pull him and put him in a school where there are more options for him.  And they will have to ride it out for the remainder of the school year.