Wanting to feel normal again...

MrsCisco222

I have to wonder sometimes if I am ever going to feel like "me" again. I just feel so drained all the time. I should be having a wonderful time. I am supposed to be planning a wedding, and yet I cannot seem to be excited about it. I talk to my friends and laugh half-heartedly at their jokes and stories, but I would rather be at home in bed. The worst part is that I feel disconnected from DH-to-be. We have always enjoyed each other's company but I find myself being irritated by everything he does, or says, or even thinks (I don't really know what he thinks, but I am sure it would irriate me...). And we used to have such a fantastic physical relationship. It was such a big part of us, a way for us to connect and "unwind" after a long day. Now I am repulsed by him. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want him to look at me. I hate sleeping in the same bed as him. I miss him so much but at the same time I can't bring myself to be affectionate or loving or sometimes even pleasant to him. What is wrong with me?!?!?!??!!?? Am I ever going to be normal again?

Mermaid1979

Oh gosh, I *totally* get all of this-- I went through it too back when I had my miscarriage. (I'm visiting lately because I just had the 1st year anniversary.) I also had a great physical relationship with my husband-- we always had, actually. So, it was really tough to feel like I was totally turned off by the thought of being intimate again. The first part was just getting through the physical healing and, honestly, the hormonal roller-coaster took a while to calm down. I have to admit that my cycle didn't go back to normal for a few months, actually. It didn't take me quite that long to get back "in the mood" again, but I had to allow myself a normal grieving period before I was ready to get back in the saddle.

Imagine if any other loved one died-- would you feel like being sexy and intimate right away or would it take you a period of time to be able to let those feelings back in? This is doubly true here because the trauma is surrounding the very physical part of your body that involves being intimate with your husband again. I didn't try to force it and my husband gave me space and time and didn't try to rush me either-- once my libido returned and I felt the desire to have that kind of closeness again, I was able to regain that physical closeness. Allow yourself to have time and space to regain your equilibrium and grieve the deep loss you have just suffered. Healing needs to take place and you deserve to be gentle with yourself. When your desire for intimacy outweighs (or at least balances out) your feelings of sadness, then it may be the right time to get back in the game, so to speak.

I hope this helps, but do understand that it's different for everyone. Some women like to get back to it as quickly as possible, while others need a lot more time to physically and emotionally recuperate. 

I'm so very sorry for your loss (I know how devastating it was for me too and feeling like I would never feel normal again) and I hope you find comfort and support in your healing process. This board is a great place for that, so I hope it's helping you as much as it helped me when it first happened. ((hugs))

Cari

kat530_528

You are normal.  All of those things you are experiencing are perfectly normal and I went through it as well.  Like you, my husband and I had an amazing relationship prior to our loss and then when it happened I wanted nothing to do with any part of him for a long time.  Every time I would even think about being intimate with him I would feel sick to my stomach.  I think a big part of that is just knowing that this is how you created the life you had inside of you and now that is gone.  It is definitely a grieving process and allow yourself the time you need.  The only thing I can tell you is maybe you can try to talk to your husband and explain your feelings to him when you feel the strength to.  Guys are not much of talkers so it takes them some coaxing to get them to say their feelings (well most guys).  I found that talking about it with my husband, even if you're talking about the same things over and over again, helped us both bring the true feelings out and get back to "normal" sooner rather than later.  

 Give yourself time.  You just went through one of the hardest things in life and you need to allow yourself to heal.