Update to my earlier vent

LuvWIfootball

So, after venting here I emailed DH.  And I must say, after several emails, he finally explained what he's really feeling.  His fear was that our families wouldn't approve of DS and that any child produced from it (if that happens), would reject DH when he/she found out.  I reassured him that we wouldn't have to tell anyone.  And if we did, it would be our child first.  He's read through some of Helping The Stork and said it helped.  He liked reading that other men had/have the same thoughts as him, even if they're irrational.  So for those of you who mentioned your DH's are against DS too, this book may help.

So, after many emails back and forth and another phone call this afternoon, DH is on board with DS as a backup should the biopsy not find any sperm day of ER.  He even called our RE to get a list of the sperm banks they use.  FYI - we've decided against a diagnostic biopsy first due to time off work for recovery and costs. 

I have to thank everyone who responded to my earlier post.  Not only did it feel good to vent, but it helped calm me down so that DH and I could have rational conversations throughout the day.  And we really did cover more ground on the DS topic than we have in 3 months.  Thanks, ladies!

AngnShaun

I agree with you.  You only have to share what you want from this process.  I hope he can get passed it. {{HUSG}}

4legsRbest

Big hugs to you! It is sad that we find out who we are and how much we are really willing to take when faced with IF. I have tried so hard remove the words never and always from my vocabulary and am finding out everyday why I am glad I am doing it. I am so happy that you and your DH are getting somewhere!

rjade9

I just read through your vent but thought I would post on this update!

DH had testicular cancer before we even met (he was actually dating his ex wife).  I get frustrated at the fact that he didn't freeze any sperm too, so I know how it feels but at the same time I wasn't even in the picture!

I think its so great that he is on board with donor sperm now!  Dh has said that if it came to it we could do ds with an iui if our ivf cycle doesn't work and if any frozen embies(hopefully we have some) don't work.  Good luck on your cycle and thanks for the book recommendation!

kaf7

Yay!

In my experience, when a DH is so stubborn and firm in a decision it's because of unspoken fears. Good for you for cracking the shell!

hootie123

yeah!!!  Good luck with your upcoming IVF! 

I think one of the hardest parts about coming to terms with donor is having to explain to everyone else and your future child.   The funny thing with us is that my husband is much more open about our IF than I am - and he has already told several people we are considering DS - even though he's still on the fence about it himself. 

kmc84

Glad he opened up and started talking!  Good luck to both of you!

PurpleIris30

Glad you were able to open up those lines of communication.  My husband and I had a very similar conversation today (about our Plan .  I'm relieved to hear you were able to find some common ground.

AmCheri

These are difficult and profound decisions. Sounds like you and your hubby are doing a great job working through it all.  I'm struggling with DE for myself so I have a lot of respect and admiration for your DH. It's tough to recognize let alone articulate how you feel. Big hugs to you both.

MelleTX

As someone who has experience with donor sperm (for totally different reasons), I highly recommend the donor matching services through California Cryobank. You can send them a picture of your DH and the team will do an excellent job matching you to donors who look most like your husband. Or you could focus less on looks and more on personality traits. They were so extremely helpful to me in picking out both of my donors. Worth every penny!

Best of luck to you.