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Single Parents
Stuck- vent
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I am scared and stuck and could use some advice on how to get away.
Here is the background for you:
I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 3. We have a 2 year old son and another on the way. In 2003 we both decided to go back to school and pursue bachelor?s degrees. I finished in 3 years and he just finished his AS degree in December 2011, just barely passed his last class. He failed out of the University because he was playing more video games than he was studying. I have been working full time most of the last 8 years, he has worked about1.5 years part time work only. He had been taking care of our son during the last year and a half, so it wasn't like he was doing nothing. Since he was struggling finishing his last class, and he said he felt bad that I had been working supporting us for all this time, he wanted to change things around and give me some time off. I quit in November so he could focus on finishing his class and start looking for work. In January I we ended up getting pregnant, unplanned. He has been putting some effort in to finding work, but not enough IMO. He sleeps until 2-3 p.m. every day, he stays up until 5 a.m. every night playing video games and smoking pot. Now we have used up all of our savings and will have to rely on his parents to pay the May rent. He has been spending $120 a month on pot and cigarettes a month, even though I have asked him to stop because we can't afford it. I go without everything. I haven't had a hair cut in over 2 years, because even when I was working, we barely made enough to make it month to month. The only reason I have some new clothes is because I needed some maternity clothes. I do all of the grocery shopping, laundry, money management, cooking, dishes, etc. Of course since I am home now, this also includes caring for our son the majority of the day and all night. The only thing he takes responsibility for cleaning is the bathroom and cat litter currently. The bathroom is only cleaned by him (once a month if I am lucky). He will give me about an hour or two break a day from my son as well. He feels that this is equivalent to all of the work that I do, and feels justified in not doing any more. It would be one thing if he was working as well, but he isn?t. He should be up and out looking for jobs every day, so that we don?t have to rely on his family to pay our rent. They can barely afford it as it is.
So here I am unemployed, out of money and 4 months pregnant. This means finding a job is going to be
extremely difficult. I also can?t just
move. I want to move to Oregon, where
there is a lower cost of living. I don?t have a partner in my home any more, I
have a roommate that is rude and disrespectful to me. I don?t know how to get out. My family is of no help to me. I left home at 16, my relationship with my
parents has never recovered. None of my
siblings are in a place that they could help. I wish we could work things out. I have asked for counseling, but he refuses. He pretty much says I am the one with the issues and can get counseling on my own. Of course it is always everyone else at fault with him.
Thanks for reading to the end. Any advice or resources would be greatly appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Stuck- vent
Why would you ever quit a job unless you had another job to fall back on to? I would not have trusted your DH either because he obviously does the bare minimum to get by. Really? It has taken him NINE years to get his AA while being a SAHD? I was able to get mine in three years as a SAHM single mother.
I have to ask, how old are you?
I could go on but my snark factor is high at the moment and I really don't want to be overly mean.
If you do the money management, then how is your husband able to spend $120/month on cigarettes and pot. The drugs alone would be enough for me to peace out. You are married to a man-child and need to either start laying down the law or preparing yourself to leave. You have been with him long enough to know he's not going to change. Please don't raise your children in an enviroment where there are drugs and their male role model is a lazy, unmotivated POS.
Why in the world did you quit your job before he had a job?
Everyone has given you good advice. Now I just have a few questions.
WHY would you quit your job while neither you or your DH has a job lined up? AND knowing that your DH has shown himself to be lazy and unreliable? AND you got knocked up on top of that?
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Thanks for the criticism. Like I don't feel stupid enough for getting myself in to this mess.
To answer some of the questions:
I am 32 and my husband is 38.
As to why I quit before he had a job lined up, he was injured in a car accident and temporarily placed on disability. He wasn't able to care for our son to the degree that he needed to. Taking our son off of his hands helped him to recover. I also hoped, and this is the stupid part, that this would drive him to get off his butt, and get a job that fit his degree and wouldn't require any manual labor once he was finished with his degree.
As far as how he can buy drugs, even though I manage the money. He has an ATM card, and knows how to use it.
He wasn't always like this. The first years that we were together he worked full time, and did great work. He was constantly receiving complements on his work. He was attentive to me and had a real life, not a virtual game one. He was confident, and someone that I really admired. It isn't like I just fell for some worthless guy. I know he is sick, that he has an addiction now. I didn't just marry him on a whim, I married him because I loved him and was confident that the man I fell in love with was still there. Now I am not so sure, and that is why I am in the stuck mess that I posted here for support on.