just need to talk to someone...
so- we are adopting a little boy from south korea. he will be 17 months old next week. the korean adoption process is changing A LOT, and there is a BIG backlog in kids getting their visas to be able to come to their families here.
so... we're been waiting for 8 months, and realistically are looking at probably 6 MORE months of waiting for him to be able to come home :-( :-( he will be our first child, we've been married for 7 years- and we're just SOO ready to add a child to our life and be parents.
we get monthly updates about him, and pictures... but i'm TIRED of watching him grow up in pictures!! I'm TIRED of just reading about all of the cute/fun things he's doing instead of seeing it all in person!! I'm TIRED of spending money on care packages of stuff that i'm not gonna get to see him use in person.
He's in a foster home with a great family... and the longer I wait, the more guilty i feel about taking him away (when we can actually go to bring him home). I feel like he already has a family in them, and how can I take him away from that?? he's gonna be almost 2 when we bring him home... how can I undo 2 years of bonding and attachment that he has with the foster family???
i'm so tempted to just "cancel" the whole thing... but at this point we've been in the process for 14 months, and have a lot of time, money, etc invested in this. I just don't feel like starting back at square one again.
anyway... thanks for listening :-) it really helps to get all of this out. and take my advice-- DON'T START a korean adoption right now....
Re: just need to talk to someone...
I'm guessing that if you cancel your adoption of this little boy he won't get to stay with his foster family anyway. They would likely just refer him to another family, and he's just going to stay with them longer before losing them, so you wouldn't be doing him any favors by canceling.
Believe me, I know how you feel. It took us 2.5 years to adopt M. And while we were only matched with him several months before we were able to travel to him, he needed life-saving heart surgery during that time, and ever day felt like an eternity. I get the anguish.
But something I realized during those months of waiting: raising a kid is making the hard sacrifices, putting their needs before yours or your comfort, and just plain sucking it up when things seem the bleakest. As tough as it is right now, you making it through this wait and to your son is your first real act as his parent. Stick it out. It's so worth every excruciating day!
If you just wanted to vent you can ignore my response. I only posted because you mentioned throwing in the towel. You are nearing the end. Don't give up now! If you ever need to vent, come here, we understand. If you need support, I'll be happy to give it any day. My response here is only intended to remind you that YOUR SON is waiting for you, too, and if you just stick it out, these few months won't mean much in the sum of his life.
Prayers that you get to bring your little guy home soon. In the meantime, don't lose hope and get discouraged. I know it's easier said than done..when I was an adoption caseworker, I saw MANY success stories of kiddos that were adopted at much older ages. While the bonding and attachment will take a while and require much patience, it will be well worth it in the end. And since he is in a good foster home, at least you know he has good security and attachment abilities which is awesome because so many children don't, when they don't have good homes that meet their needs. To make his transition a little easier, I would definitely print out pictures of his foster parents/siblings and maybe keep an album of his life there, as well as Skype them once he is with you, if you can. This will help the attachment process and building trust with you. The more secure he becomes with your family, the less he will ask to see them; it will naturally taper off, but knowing that you would allow him to see pics, talk with them, etc. will be huge in building his trust in you. I have seen it work even in cases with severe attachment disorder. Hang in there!
I saw your post on the Hold boards, too.
You're right--it sucks. More than anything, it really reminds one that adoption starts with loss.
But that loss would come regardless of when your son came to you.
NOTHING was harder than listening to my son scream as he was ripped (and there really is no better word) from the arms of his Omma and handed to me. His Omma cried and wailed his name. I cried. My husband cried. I think only the van driver, who had witnessed this scene countless times, had dry eyes. It was horrible and I will never, ever forget.
But my son did. His life in Korea is only an abstraction to him. And while your child is a bit older, he won't have any memories either--a double-edged sword to be sure. Some families say that toddlers have an easier time adjusting because they aren't in the same stage of stranger anxiety.
You have nothing to gain by stopping the process, and a whole life together as a family to lose.
Thank you noone. I'm afraid my post came across as heartless and cold, but you said beautifully what I was trying to convey. I was trying to impress how important it is to continue on even when it seems so much easier to turn away.
Taking my sons away from their orphanages was awful. I cried both times, and the first time I truly second-guessed taking him from a place where he was so loved and had so many "brothers and sisters." Two weeks later, we returned to visit with our very happy son, and met the little boy who was able to move into his bed, and made room for another child to come off the streets. My son was happy to visit, and happy to leave at the end of the day with us. No that more time has passed, both my sons, my husband and I, and his Peruvian caregivers, all agree we are all so much better off. Adoption does indeed begin with losses which are truly the most deep wounds for everyone involved, but it's such a healing institution that with time, it soothes all those difficult pains.
Miss1180, for the sake of your son, and yourself, and even his foster family, please stick it out!
There's nothing I can add except admiration for you and the pain you are willing to endure to get to your boy. Peace to you....
We brought DD home when she was 26 months and she is very well bonded to us.
There was days I wanted to give up and throw in the towel while waiting the 2 years that we did. We would not trade her for the world or the process to bring her home. People kept telling me that we were not missing so much since we would have her for the rest of her life and it was hard. Now we have a hard time remembering what we did before she came home to us. Good Luck.
Thank you :-) I think this is just what i needed to hear, and what i have to keep telling myself...
And thank everyone else for your good thoughts and encouragement :-) It means so much to me!!
Stick in there. It will all be worth it when you bring him home! My oldest DS was 3 years old when I received permanent custody of him. Our adoption was finalized 2 years later. He is now 6! I sometimes can not believe it. Even at 3 years of age he attached to me really quickly.
I would like to recommend a book to you. I feel that I can always get at least 1 good idea out of a book. This is something that I do to relax at the end of the day. This is a book that I was reviewing as a part of my dissertation and I found it extremely helpful. I sent a copy to my parents a few months ago. They were just awarded full custody of my 10 year old niece. It may help you to feel as though you are doing something to help your son now while you are waiting. It is Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray.
Good luck and I am so sorry for your delays
Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.