"Do you have any children?"

doodlescaboodles

I got asked this for the first time this afternoon since I lost the girls. I paused, took a deep breath and said, "yes, 2 twin girls." The women preceded to ask me how old they were...I looked at her for a moment not knowing what to say. I told her..."they had complications and didnt make it." The women look horrified, embarrased, and very upset...I continued to tell the women I didnt mind the question and I don't mind talking about the girls.

Have any of you experienced this? I dont feel like its right for me to say I dont have children...but at the same time I feel like I'm making others feel upset when I mention my children are not living. Its a hard position to be in.

Petunia844

Yes, the first time I was asked I lost it... I was caught totally off guard.  He asked and I said yes, "I had a son."  Then started crying.  Once I pulled myself together a bit told him "sorry, you're the first person to ask since he passed."  I've talked to my husband about this, and we feel like it's ok if we make people feel uncomfortable. I think often people ask more questions than they should... you don't need to ask a pregnant woman if it's her first, you don't need to ask a stranger if they have kids... and if you do ask, you have to be prepared for any answer.  I also think stillbirth is so "taboo" now and that's sad, it's real, it happens to real people and the more that people understand that the better. 

I think it's ok if you're having a bad day and don't want to deal with it so you just answer "no."  I just don't think you should ever feel like you have to lie to make some stranger not feel uncomfortable, or even an acquaintance.  

nuttycoconut

I had to answer this question again this weekend and it's always tough. Sometimes I say yes and just tell the person that my twins were premature and passed away. Other times I say no because I don't feel like talking about it and I can tell the person's reaction isn't going to enhance my life in any way, and quite possibly may make me feel worse. When DH and I were asked this weekend he looked at me and I quickly said no because I didn't feel like dealing with this lady and I was never going to see her again. I think it's okay for you to say whatever you feel most comfortable with at the time and there is no wrong answer.

pandabearlover

I usually say that I have 2 girls-but if people ask if I am going to "have another or try for a boy," then I say I had a hysterectomy with my third so we can't have anymore.  People can infer what they like from that statement.  Usually, they figure out that my 3rd baby died, but sometimes they keep asking questions and I just keep my answers short.

*talking about my living children* 

But-my 4 year old is super aware of mommy's feelings.  She watches me when I am having a conversation and listens to everything. Many times, I have gotten teary of my voice has caught and she has been by my side right away asking if I'm ok.  Because of that, I usually don't bring up my son unless I get specific questions. I just don't feel like a 4 year old should have to be making sure her momma is doing alright or see me melt into a crying puddle with a stranger. 

lrichmond86

I always say that I did have a son, but he passed.  DH doesn't feel that this is always appropriate and he'll sometimes just answer, "not yet".  I hate hearing him say this.  It makes me feel like we're denying our son's existence.  I give you a lot of credit for answering so bravely.  It's not easy to do.

tubbsy32

I have thought about these questions and have been in such "hiding" no one has had the chance to ask me a question like that. But, good for you; people do ask too many questions. And I always wonder, do they really care or are they just being nosy?? Prob just being nosy

blessedhope

i was asked this today. i told the woman, "i have a little boy in heaven." I know it can make people uncomfortable but that is the truth.

samakasrc

I battle this a lot. I never know what to say right away.  I usually say, "I have 1 daughter at home who is almost 2 and a son who I only get to carry in my heart. He had a fatal condition and only lived a very short time with us, they are my pride and joys."  I always add in some positive at the end so I don't feel like I've ruined their day.  After they somehow respond I always say that I love sharing Gabriel's story and talking about him, it makes me feel better.  Its a VERY hard position to be in, and I don't think it gets any easier....

weddedwife

It's a terribly hard position to be in. I like Petunia's answer- people ask too many questions. They should be prepared for any answer if they are willing to ask nosy questions.

I get asked all. the. time. when out & about w/ my DD if I have any other children, or if she is my only child. It's hard either way and it always feels awkward no matter what I say. I agree too that sometimes it's okay to say "no" if you don't feel like dealing with it, but that has backfired for me before. I was at the dermatologist (DD in tow) and he asked if she was my only. I told him no, I had a son but he died at birth. He asked a few questions and was very apologetic for having "unearthed that" as he put it. Less than 5 minutes later the nurse came in, saw DD, and asked the very same question. Having JUST finished a conversation about it, I opted to say "no" . Then she proceeds to gush, "Oh, you've just GOT to have another one! A boy this time, with those blue, blue eyes!" <Insert knife to heart & turn> Sometimes you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

This is one of the hardest things for me about being a loss mama. I can't believe how much I get asked this question. One of the many reasons I am anxious in any new social situation, because I know it's going to come up sooner or later.

My vow: to not EVER ask people if they have kids, how many kids they have, if they want more kids, etc. Their reproductive plans are NONE of my business.

JabberJay

Five and a half months out from my loss, and I haven't been asked yet.

We have some new neighbors who have a little girl that appears to be my DD's age, and it also looks like they have a baby (6 months or younger). I know at some point I am going to have to talk to them (the girls have been eyeing each ore up outside, lol) and I am dreading the conversation.

(btw, I am a semi-regular who decided that I need a new name)

magdalina.h

Frequently. Even more so now that we have Lucas and he wears shirts that say little brother. I never had a problem saying yes, but he passed away. Most people would say they were sorry. We did go to a garage sale right after we found out Lucas was a boy. The guy asked if this was our first. I said nope, our first passed away. The guy made a beeline for the house and didn't come out until after we left. It kinda made me giggle.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I always fear this question.  Unfortunately with my DH's job he has to deal with this question more than I have but I've still had to deal with it as well.  At first DH and I said we'd answer on a case by case basis.  Then we decided we were always going to say yes but try to say something without coming right out and saying he passed away. We both learned quickly that subtle doesn't work at all so we're just going to come out and say it.  Like people have said, the awkwardness is their problem not yours and maybe they'll learn that as much as I know it's a simple conversational question, that it can be really hard to deal with.  I think my favorite so far was just this past weekend. We went out to lunch with some friends and a waitress at the restaurant saw my DH's tattoo on his leg (it took forever to figure out why she was all crouched down).  She then said "I love your tattoo, is that for your kiddo?"  My DH said yes.  Then she asked how hold "the kiddo" was now.  Um, for as long as you stared at the tattoo you obviously didn't pay much attention because no only is his birthday there but his passing date as well.  People are just so clueless.  

In time you will determine what's best for you - but know that regardless of the answer you give your girls know they're always on your mind.  {{HUGS}}

DragonflyBelle

****RAINBOW MENTIONED****

 

 

I am asked this question on a weekly basis when I am at the hospital for testing (NST/BPP due to my late stillbirth). I always say that this is my 3rd little girl and then I get the..."well how old are your other children?" and I tell them I have a 4 year old and our 2nd daughter would have been "insert how many months here". I get strange looks sometimes, but most people are extremely apologetic. Usually it's followed up with the obligatory..."So are y'all going to try for a boy and your poor husband" comments to which I reply that my husband loves his three little girls and I don't care to discuss my sex life with them.