So resentful and feel guilty about it

kristynluvswill

I decided today to get out for the first time since m/c started on Saturday.  I've been so depressed I literally couldn't get off the couch.  So today, I took a hot shower and went grocery shopping.

I couldn't even go anywhere near the baby section and I got a whiff of the diapers (you know...that sweet, clean powdery smell) when i walked past and it made my stomach turn.  But the thing that's bothering me is how judgmental I was when I saw a pregnant woman and her husband walking toward me.  I am not at all a judgmental person, however I couldn't help but to notice how she looked dirty and what a nasty, judgmental person would call "trashy".  Her husband reeked of cigarette smoke (I could literally smell it 5 feet away) and they were discussing with great annoyance how expensive all the, and I quote, "stupid baby stuff was".  

I felt my heart filling up with rage and it started beating fast and I realized before it was too late that I was giving them a dirty look.  I was so angry that I didn't even realize it.  So the dad-to-be made eye contact with me and gave me a "what are you lookin' at, lady" kind of look and I then turned my head.  I couldn't help but to be resentful.  I mean, here I am.  Literally in the process of losing the baby we have worked 3 years to make and in 5 short weeks, the dream of holding him or her in my arms was ripped away from me.  And the past 3 days has basically been pure agony for me and to overhear a couple call baby "stuff" "stupid" made me sick to my stomach.  Because I would give anything...anything in the world to be filling my cart with "stupid" baby "stuff" right now.  Why does that ungrateful couple get to experience the amazing gift of parenthood and pregnancy?  I couldn't help but to think to myself "they probably didn't even want that baby.  They probably couldn't afford to have an abortion and so in their minds they are stuck with it".  And then I thought to myself "god, what is wrong with you?  You know nothing about that couple and here you are judging them like you're god".  But I can't help it because I'm resentful right now.  I'm resentful that my amazing husband who married me with the intention of having a family with me is let down.  I feel like I failed him as a wife.  I'm resentful because I have this lurking feeling in the back of my mind that my opportunity at parenthood just flew out the window and that we are doomed.  I keep wondering what I've done to deserve this cruel hand I've been dealt.  Life isn't fair. 

kristynluvswill

No it's not fair.  I just hope this anger goes away soon.  I love people and I'm shocked at how horribly judgmental I was today.  I'm almost embarrassed to admit it here, but I needed to get it off my chest.  Hopefully when my hormones get back to normal this anger will subside.

egudde08

I felt the same way at first. Im a cosmetologist and I probably have at lest on pregnant woman in a day and I wonder why they get to have one and I don't. Then I have clients ask me if I have kids and I don't know what to say because I don't them to know my personal business but sometimes I just want to say " no just lost mine" but then I'll get the whole "im sorry it wasn't meant to be " and that just gets old!

kristynluvswill

If I hear "it wasn't meant to be" one more time, I'm gonna snap!  What do you mean "it wasn't meant to be"?   It's been 3 years in the making...3 years of monthly pregnancy tests and FINALLY a positive result!  To me...THIS baby was meant to be.  God, it's enough to drive you insane, isn't it?

JennOH85

ncchnat:

It's okay to be resentful and it's okay to be angry. It's part of the process of grieving. I was out Friday night at a bar and this lady came in with her newborn. This baby couldn't have been more than a week or two old. (His arms and legs hadn't even straightened out yet) and if my husband hadn't  made me walk away, I don't know what would have happened. It takes time. You're going to be sensitive to pregnant women and babies for a little while.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! YOU DID NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND DOWN! I know it feels that way sometimes, but just keep repeating those two sentences to yourself. It will get better. I can't tell you when exactly because every person grieves differently. I'm a month out from my loss and I was doing really well last week (until Friday night) and I've doing well again.  It takes time. HUGS!

Exactly this. I am so sorry for your loss, and it's true, everyone grieves differently. However, no matter how many pieces of paper from the doctor or insurance refer to my pregnancy as a "failed pregnancy", I am not a failure. My husband was not a failure. Our baby was not a failure. I hate that word "failure" so much. 

As far as the anger: Oh sister, have I been there, too. Maybe this makes me the worst person in the world, but I still can't step foot in Wal-Mart without feeling like I could punch a hole through the wall. At first it was even more depressing that I was this angry, but now I'm slowly learning to accept my anger for what it is and hopefully move past it.

And you're right, when people say "this wasn't the right time" and other bull along those lines, they may mean well but honestly they don't know what they're talking about. What we lost was more than a "chance", it was a baby. Hang in there. I'm about a month out, as well, and it's true: There are good days and bad days.

kkeran

Don't be so hard on yourself.  I think it's totally natural to feel that way, and I definitely had the same kind of reactions.  

I knew a few people who had a due date around the same time mine would have been, and I made a deal with myself that I would let myself be resentful of one of them (and only one) - she is the wife of one of my husband's friends.  That way I didn't feel like a terrible person for judging strangers, but I still got to work out some of those feelings.  I didn't have to see her too much, so it was mostly reactions to her facebook posts.  But, honestly, it really helped me.  Everyone has to figure out their own grieving process, and don't feel bad about what you need to do.

Las135

I completely understand how you are feeling.  I had an early m/c last week, it was a horrible, horrible experience.  I felt myself go from feeling super sad and depressed, to super angry.  Within a few days I found myself judging people as well.  I am an ER nurse and work in a pretty bad inner city hospital.  I see at least 5 patients a shift come in for "missed period for 3 months", knowing that they are pregnant. Yet they have been using drugs, drinking, etc...  I see them leave the hospital to light up a cigarette!! I get so upset, here I am TRYING to get pregnant, taking prenatals for months, and preparing my body for pregnancy, and I wasnt able to carry a baby.  It is so frustrating, it isnt fair.  So, I completely understand where you are coming from.  I know that as time passes, these feelings will pass too.  I hate feeling this way, its an ugly feeling...