This will probably cause an uproar but...

iluvadam

I would like to start off by saying that this loss is beyond tragic and completely heartbreaking. 

But I just have to ask about the other poster.  Is this donation fund on the up and up?  What is with all the posts and incentives for the fund all across TB?  When my cousin lost her baby at 17 weeks, the hospital put her in touch with several local funeral homes and cemetaries that took care of all the costs of a service and burial.  They do that all the time around here.  Is it like that where you live? 

jellolz

i have been trying to find a way to say the same thing. it really gets a from me because it's being promoted so hard. it's horribly tragic, yes... but it just seems so strange to me. especially now that there are incentives.

ShopperKristi

Agreed - you can usually set up a memorial fund at a bank and contribute directly to the memorial fund in that person's name so you know it is on the up and up.  I would NEVER send money to an individual for something like that.  For now I'll assume that her heart is in the right place but there is a better way to organize things like that. 

scraw99

jellolz:

i have been trying to find a way to say the same thing. it really gets a from me because it's being promoted so hard. it's horribly tragic, yes... but it just seems so strange to me. especially now that there are incentives.

 This.  My heart does break for the family though. 

ewiley28

I know when our daughter was stillborn we were told by the hospital that the funeral home right by the hospital as well as some others comp the charges, but when we had her cremated, this did not turn out to be the case.  Still had all the fees for the body handling, cremation itself and the urn.  Wasn't a huge amount, but did have to pay it.

That said, you definitely can set up a fund with a bank... And in our case we didn't do any services or the like as her twin brother was still in the NICU and just weren't up to even contemplating adding something else to teh table.

I can't imagine being in a situation where having to worry about the cost was impacting our decisions in the loss of our children though, so I do like the idea.

iluvadam

ShopperKristi:

Agreed - you can usually set up a memorial fund at a bank and contribute directly to the memorial fund in that person's name so you know it is on the up and up.  I would NEVER send money to an individual for something like that.  For now I'll assume that her heart is in the right place but there is a better way to organize things like that. 

I have seen other funds set up through paypal that were legit but this one just seems different somehow.  I don't know though, maybe I'm wrong.

leviandlandensmom

This isn't the first time donations have been solicited for a family suffering through a tragedy - Niki organized one a while ago that was very successful.

 Anyway, I know in my state - any baby that is born prior to 20 weeks does not get a death certificate and you have the choice of the hospital taking care of the remains or taking them yourself to the funeral home. After 20 weeks you have to get a death certificate and the remains have to be released to a funeral home.

It depends on the state. Most funeral homes do not cover the cost - that doesn't make any sense.

My sister just lost her 18 weeker and we took him straight to the cemetary and laid him to rest in the grave where my sister's casket and my mom's urn is. The only reason it didn't cost us anything is because the plot was already paid for.

jxd215

iluvadam:

ShopperKristi:

Agreed - you can usually set up a memorial fund at a bank and contribute directly to the memorial fund in that person's name so you know it is on the up and up.  I would NEVER send money to an individual for something like that.  For now I'll assume that her heart is in the right place but there is a better way to organize things like that. 

I have seen other funds set up through paypal that were legit but this one just seems different somehow.  I don't know though, maybe I'm wrong.

All of this. I certainly don't object to the principle as the situation is so sad, but I think twice about donating directly to an individual who (as far as I know) is not a regular on this board. If some of the regular posters were to vouch for her I might feel differently.

SpinningJess

I think also there is a lot of loss that isn't included with funeral expenses, like loss of income.  I know if I lost even one baby I would be a total wreck for MONTHS and probably unable to work for a while.  It's just a way to show support, no one is obligated to contribute a dime.  But there certainly are people who want to and are able to help financially, so kudos to anyone who is donating to the cause!  Can you imagine the love the family will feel when they get a nice donation from a bunch of internet gals who just want to do something nice??  While no amount of money can replace the babies they lost, it will without a doubt raise them up and help them feel love and hope for the future!

robinsokj

I'm not the most regular poster on this board, but I've never seen the person asking for money here before.  It sketches me the hell out

adoruhbul

Someone asked me to come over and respond to the allegation that this is a phony fundraiser.  I guess I'm a little hurt by this but not totally surprised. I guess since you all deal with people making up multiples all day that you're hesitant about anyone who comes to the board.

I have been a regular on Trouble Trying To Conceive and TTGP for almost a year and a half now. I also have been a poster on Infertility for a few months. On the IF board there is an Out Of Pocket drug program for those who cannot afford infertility medication called the OOP Meds Program. I ran the program just recently for a little over a month while the current coordinator was out ill. I guess what I'm getting at here is that if their is any question about the legitimacy of the program or concerns over my character they should be forwarded to the appropriate boards. 

If anyone is regretting their donation because of the new legitimacy concerns, I am more than happy to issue a refund since the money has yet to go out. There will be zero hard feelings and will be kept confidential.

 In response to concerns over funeral costs and the need for a fundraiser or I guess why it's being "pushed" so hard. PrettyAccountant is one of our own on the IF boards and we have done a fundraiser for every late loss that has occurred on the board. We actually even recently did one for someone who ended up having cancer while undergoing IF treatments. When you go through infertility it really changes you as a person. Those girls are all some of us have.  I am a completely disabled stay at home wife, there would've no other way to gain support except the Internet and forums. 

Those ladies are my family and some of my best friends and we do stuff like this for each other. PrettyAccountant never asked us to doit, she was just informed once it was occurring. I'm not sure why people think the hospital or funeral home take over the cost for the burial but that isn't the case. Burying anyone requires the cost to transport the deceased to the funeral parlor, prepping if their will be an open casket, flower costs, photos of the deceased are blown up, refreshments are offered, the plot or plots possibly in this case must be purchased, and finally caskets or trunks must be purchased. On top of that their are fees to actually bury, fees to have a religious service. In the end it can cost anywhere from 5,000 to 15,000 to do a complete funeral. Funeral homes have to make livings as well. The only way the county could help is if she chose to have them buried in the unnamed area where all babies over 20 weeks who were buried without identification go and that isn't the right decision for her, she'd like to be able to visit them.  Even after the burial is over, costs do not stop their. How about grave stones?  Those are extremely expensive and up keep of the grave site. We pay $70 a month to have my grandmothers grave weeded, dusted, lawn mowed, and all dead flowers removed. 

Lon top of all those expenses she had to have multiple hospital visits that even with good insurance has a nice Copay. This isn't something she asked for its something that may make this horrible situation a tiny bit more bearable.

The incentives are done through the March of Dimes Foundation. If you purchase fundraising materials from them all proceeds go to them. Originally I was going to just make a small donation to March of Dimes in the Triplets name however I saw the incentives program and thought it would be a nice way to get more donations!

Im sure she could have done something through a bank but we are her family and are taking it over for her. She has enough to deal with right now, finances are one thing we'd like to keep out of her mind.

As a matter of fact to eliminate concerns of my legitimacy, I am posting numbers multiple times a day. Someone once did one on here a refused to tell us the amount which made me a little on the edge, so I made sure to keep everyone in the loop. Most of our members with multiples do not join this board so it might just be that this is the first time you've seen it. 

DenaRenee78

I suffered two second trimester losses. My one son was born at 20 weeks and the other at 24 weeks. Where I live if you don't plan a burial for you baby then they donate the 'remains' to science. I could NOT let them do that!!! I had to have mine buried. I had to pay for the space in the cemetery and the baby casket.  =(   It was one of the most horrible and depressing things I have ever had to do in my life. Let me tell you the worst feeling ever is to lose a child. My heart goes out to that family. 

mdluv21

I don't know anything about the poster who is collecting funds but when my twins passed away, the hospital did put us in touch with a mortuary who did donate the cost of the cremation.  We had to pay all the fees for the burial, headstone and funeral ourselves.

So yes having your babies die depending on how you want to have their remains taken care can be a very expensive undertaking.

LegallyBlonde217

I can't speak for the legitimacy of the donation pool, but I do know that adoruhbul is a regular poster on TTTC and IF.  She's been around for quite a while as I also remember her from my earlier days on TTGP about a year ago.

adoruhbul

MrsLee04:

I think what would've been better was for the poster to acknowledge that she wasn't a regular and where she is a regular.  I was very suspicious because it was someone who had never posted here.  I also don't like how the names of those who have donated are being displayed.  I think that info should be kept private.

I wish I could be part of this board, but if anyone took a few seconds to look at my siggy, they'd realize I am an infertile and have lost 4 children of my own.  I'm sorry you don't like the way a fundraiser is being run, however in the original post it says the names will be displayed, and each person has a right to be anonymous is they so prefer.  I actually did it to show legitimacy but -shrug- it is what it is.

JosiePosy

I think the other thing some people have to realize is that a few years ago, a fundraiser happened on another board, and the money was never delivered to the intended recipient. I don't remember how it turned out, but I believe it was several months before anyone got their money back or any response from the organizer. It really made people very nervous about donating again. Sorry to say, but it does happen.

It is the internet. There have been plenty of instances where people found out they didn't "know" someone as well as they thought. When you bring money into it, things can get even more tense.

I'm sure that you are well intentioned and I applaud your efforts, but most MoMs are strapped for cash as it is. It only stands to reason that questions would be asked and they would want to know where the little money they have is going.

bethCT

adoruhbul:

MrsLee04:

I think what would've been better was for the poster to acknowledge that she wasn't a regular and where she is a regular.  I was very suspicious because it was someone who had never posted here.  I also don't like how the names of those who have donated are being displayed.  I think that info should be kept private.

I wish I could be part of this board, but if anyone took a few seconds to look at my siggy, they'd realize I am an infertile and have lost 4 children of my own.  I'm sorry you don't like the way a fundraiser is being run, however in the original post it says the names will be displayed, and each person has a right to be anonymous is they so prefer.  I actually did it to show legitimacy but -shrug- it is what it is.

 

I dont think anyone meant to hurt or offend you.  All the boards have been scammed so much wthe spam like the free nursing covers that i think people are all just extra aware, you know?  This is a really sweet thing you are doing! 

adoruhbul

JosiePosy:

I think the other thing some people have to realize is that a few years ago, a fundraiser happened on another board, and the money was never delivered to the intended recipient. I don't remember how it turned out, but I believe it was several months before anyone got their money back or any response from the organizer. It really made people very nervous about donating again. Sorry to say, but it does happen.

It is the internet. There have been plenty of instances where people found out they didn't "know" someone as well as they thought. When you bring money into it, things can get even more tense.

I'm sure that you are well intentioned and I applaud your efforts, but most MoMs are strapped for cash as it is. It only stands to reason that questions would be asked and they would want to know where the little money they have is going.

I just want to make it known once again that I did run the OOP med program on the IF board for a month without a single issue, I never stole meds or anything like that, and there were zero complaints, nothing but people happy after it.

I do completely understand that people are strapped for cash, it just hurts sometimes when an accusation is made rather than questions being asked.  Whenever you do have concerns over a donation on here, you should find out who the person is, where the money is intended on going, and if they have anyone who can vouch for their integrity.  Because what happens now is, people who didn't have an issue with it before suddenly are like hmm, she must have a reason to be accusing her, I am not going to donate now!

In the end the person who suffers here is PrettyAccountant because donations are lost.  As a matter of fact, I was receiving multiple donations an hour, since this started they've ceased completely.  This why sometimes it's better to ask questions or send a PM then make such a horrible allegation against someone.  I could have given her references from the other boards who've known me for a long time now.

I understand that a lot of people are strapped for cash and do have concerns over the legitimacy of the program, which is why I have only asked for a $1.  I feel like everyone can reasonably afford a $1 to go to this cause if they feel like it's a cause they want to support.  Even if the program turned out to be not legit, which by the way it is 100% and the incentives through March of Dimes should have shown that, losing a dollar is not nearly as serious as it could be.  Yes people have chosen to donate more, but if everyone were to just donate a single dollar, we would be very close to my goal.

Even if you aren't so much interested in the cause but want money to go out to researching and preventing Infant and Pregnancy Loss, you get a pin that's worth more than a dollar in return for your dollar donation, it's a win win situation for anyone on the board.

Understand that PrettyAccountant was also a fellow infertile, and that not only did she just lose her triplets, but she had to go through extraordinary lengths to even get pregnant.  She had to invest likely thousands of dollars, if not tens of thousands of dollars to carry her triplets, and now she has lost them and has to pay another huge amount and gets nothing in return.  It is seriously the most devastating situation I could possibly imagine.  I've lost 4 babies, maybe not nearly as far a long but you go through thousands of needle sticks and ultrasounds and finally you see those two pink lines, you're whole life changes you finally think this is it, and then it gets ripped away from you and you are left holding a nice bill from the hospital and no babies.

amanda31H

MrsLee04:

adoruhbul:

 it just hurts sometimes when an accusation is made rather than questions being asked. 

I haven't seen any accusations......only questions.  I'm sorry you're so offended by this, but the questions/concerns addressed are completely appropriate and reasonable.  Try harder to understand that people have the right to question things and not to take it so personally.  

Absolutely this.  Iluvadam was asking what was up with this- if anyone knew you, if anyone could vouch for you.  LIke Mrs. Lee said, please don't take this personally.

When I saw your post I side eyed it immediately because I've never seen you on THIS board before.  Other times that we've raised money for MoMs, one of our MoMs have been involved and have been a regular poster (like when Nikki organized something last year) - so her legitimacy wasn't questioned.

Now that you've clarified who you are, I think we can all move on.  If your donations slowed down, I don't think it was because of this post, like I said, a few people questioned you right away and didn't say anything.  It's pretty common to have a lot of donations in the beginning and have it slow down.

GypsyEsq

MrsLee04:

adoruhbul:

 it just hurts sometimes when an accusation is made rather than questions being asked. 

I haven't seen any accusations......only questions.  I'm sorry you're so offended by this, but the questions/concerns addressed are completely appropriate and reasonable.  Try harder to understand that people have the right to question things and not to take it so personally.  

Yes. This. Many women here have gone through IF. And many women here have given willingly to other donations. PrettyAccountants loss is horrible. Again, many women here have experienced loss. But few women here know you. The number of posts dedicated to  fundraising all over the place were strange. I recognize you from the OOP program, but then again I recently cycled and had meds to donate. No one accused you of anything but these women have the right to know who you are before sending money to your PayPal.  This isn't personal. 

ShopperKristi

Please don't take any of this as a personal insult - it doesn't have anything to do with your integrity as a person and I think everyone would agree wholeheartedly that this is a very worthy cause.  I think the skepticism comes strictly from the fact that there a lot of very shady people on the Internet so it is hard to trust the intentions of strangers.  I work in the financial industry and see people get scammed constantly when they are trying to do something honorable.  If you still want to help I would highly encourage you to look into opening a benefit account in her name - I am pretty sure it does not have to be opened by the family only.  Any bank could help you with this.  I am so sorry for your losses, it is absolutely heartbreaking.

iluvadam

adoruhbul:

JosiePosy:

I think the other thing some people have to realize is that a few years ago, a fundraiser happened on another board, and the money was never delivered to the intended recipient. I don't remember how it turned out, but I believe it was several months before anyone got their money back or any response from the organizer. It really made people very nervous about donating again. Sorry to say, but it does happen.

It is the internet. There have been plenty of instances where people found out they didn't "know" someone as well as they thought. When you bring money into it, things can get even more tense.

I'm sure that you are well intentioned and I applaud your efforts, but most MoMs are strapped for cash as it is. It only stands to reason that questions would be asked and they would want to know where the little money they have is going.

I just want to make it known once again that I did run the OOP med program on the IF board for a month without a single issue, I never stole meds or anything like that, and there were zero complaints, nothing but people happy after it.

I do completely understand that people are strapped for cash, it just hurts sometimes when an accusation is made rather than questions being asked.  Whenever you do have concerns over a donation on here, you should find out who the person is, where the money is intended on going, and if they have anyone who can vouch for their integrity.  Because what happens now is, people who didn't have an issue with it before suddenly are like hmm, she must have a reason to be accusing her, I am not going to donate now!

In the end the person who suffers here is PrettyAccountant because donations are lost.  As a matter of fact, I was receiving multiple donations an hour, since this started they've ceased completely.  This why sometimes it's better to ask questions or send a PM then make such a horrible allegation against someone.  I could have given her references from the other boards who've known me for a long time now.

I understand that a lot of people are strapped for cash and do have concerns over the legitimacy of the program, which is why I have only asked for a $1.  I feel like everyone can reasonably afford a $1 to go to this cause if they feel like it's a cause they want to support.  Even if the program turned out to be not legit, which by the way it is 100% and the incentives through March of Dimes should have shown that, losing a dollar is not nearly as serious as it could be.  Yes people have chosen to donate more, but if everyone were to just donate a single dollar, we would be very close to my goal.

Even if you aren't so much interested in the cause but want money to go out to researching and preventing Infant and Pregnancy Loss, you get a pin that's worth more than a dollar in return for your dollar donation, it's a win win situation for anyone on the board.

Understand that PrettyAccountant was also a fellow infertile, and that not only did she just lose her triplets, but she had to go through extraordinary lengths to even get pregnant.  She had to invest likely thousands of dollars, if not tens of thousands of dollars to carry her triplets, and now she has lost them and has to pay another huge amount and gets nothing in return.  It is seriously the most devastating situation I could possibly imagine.  I've lost 4 babies, maybe not nearly as far a long but you go through thousands of needle sticks and ultrasounds and finally you see those two pink lines, you're whole life changes you finally think this is it, and then it gets ripped away from you and you are left holding a nice bill from the hospital and no babies.

I did not accuse you of anything.  I simple asked a very legitimate and appropriate question.  We do not know who you are and you are soliciting donations from us.  I do not think it is unreasonable whatsoever for me to ask if anyone knows you or can vouch for you. 

And one more thing, there are plenty of us on here that have been through the heartbreak and suffering of going through IF as well as loss.  Please do not come here and lecture us about needle sticks, ultrasounds, and medical bills. 

nikinikinine

leviandlandensmom:

This isn't the first time donations have been solicited for a family suffering through a tragedy - Niki organized one a while ago that was very successful.

I think perhaps the difference is that I am a regular poster and I only canvased the boards where Meghan posted or where people who knew her were posting (since IFV wasn't around when she was on the boards, I posted there and on PAIF instead of IF).

And I made it clear from the beginning how the donations were being handled - I was collecting cash for the family to help with the loss. All donations were done as gifts through paypal with the person emailed directly after their donation came through confirming the receipt. And weekly posts were added to the boards that were canvased as well as to the individuals who donated directly via email (with the in BCC to protect their privacy).

I also had another board regular (from IF) co-coordinating with me and verifying the legitimacy of the fund.  

The boards are extremely generous when it comes to losses - both financially and emotionally - and IMO it has become the norm to collect for someone when they go through a hardship, regardless of how "regular" of a poster they were. People can decide where to donate. But I can understand the hesitancy of some members of our community when someone they don't really know starts a collection for another person who wasn't a super regular poster and the way the collection is handled seems a bit off. 

Transparency, while maintaining the privacy of those who donate, is the best thing when handling collections.

I hope that PrettyAccountant's fund is helpful to her family. And I'm so very sorry to hear of her loss.  

tarajayne

I think it is perfectly reasonable to question things like this.  Like pp said... this is the internet.  No matter how well you think you know a person, you really don't know them and when it comes to giving money, I personally choose not to give to these causes, not because I don't think they are worthy...but because I never truly know that they are legit. 

And yes, no need to have an IF board vs Multiples board... there are many of us that belong to both. 

Prettyaccountant's losses are devastating, and I have been thinking about her ever since I read the news.  I do think it is a worthy cause to donate and I do hope that the money raised will help alleviate some of that stress for her family.  But, it's a personal choice whether or not to trust any donation made in a circumstance like this, and no one should be judged on that choice.

adoruhbul

nikinikinine:

leviandlandensmom:

This isn't the first time donations have been solicited for a family suffering through a tragedy - Niki organized one a while ago that was very successful.

I think perhaps the difference is that I am a regular poster and I only canvased the boards where Meghan posted or where people who knew her were posting (since IFV wasn't around when she was on the boards, I posted there and on PAIF instead of IF).

And I made it clear from the beginning how the donations were being handled - I was collecting cash for the family to help with the loss. All donations were done as gifts through paypal with the person emailed directly after their donation came through confirming the receipt. And weekly posts were added to the boards that were canvased as well as to the individuals who donated directly via email (with the in BCC to protect their privacy).

I also had another board regular (from IF) co-coordinating with me and verifying the legitimacy of the fund.  

The boards are extremely generous when it comes to losses - both financially and emotionally - and IMO it has become the norm to collect for someone when they go through a hardship, regardless of how "regular" of a poster they were. People can decide where to donate. But I can understand the hesitancy of some members of our community when someone they don't really know starts a collection for another person who wasn't a super regular poster and the way the collection is handled seems a bit off. 

Transparency, while maintaining the privacy of those who donate, is the best thing when handling collections.

I hope that PrettyAccountant's fund is helpful to her family. And I'm so very sorry to hear of her loss.  

I only posted on the boards that she was posting on.  I went wherever she posted her loss and had a history of posting.  She has posted on this board quite a few times so not sure what you meant by she wasn't a poster?  As for how it is handled, it's being handled properly.  PrettyAccountant is completely in the loop, I post daily on the amounts received, and while the donators liked the names being posted and getting recognition, since a few people on here mentioned it was distasteful it was stopped.  Each donation is being sent through PayPal's fundraiser program NOT as gifts.  Each payment donated is posted on a log for the recipient.  I am actually a very regular poster on IF and 3T just not on here.  I posted here just a few times back when I was pregnant with my twins and lost them.

I have ceased donation efforts on this board as of now.  I will continue on the other boards as I think it's what's best at this point.  There is no right way and wrong way to run a fundraiser, each person has their own way of doing things.  I even made it not just about PrettyAccountant's loss but about the whole situation in general.  Getting a portion going to March of Dimes in order to help with education, research, and prevention.  By posting the names and updating the amounts so frequently should have helped with the skepticism.

I from the beginning also said what the donations were for and how they would be delivered, so again, not sure where that came from.  From day 1 I said it was to help pay for the funeral costs of the triplets.  It will be delivered to her on Monday with a deadline of Friday.  It will be given to her by purchasing a care package gift basket, the note will have the amount that we fundraised on it.  Later in the day she will receive the overnighted check.  All this information was given from the beginning. 

adoruhbul

tarajayne:

I think it is perfectly reasonable to question things like this.  Like pp said... this is the internet.  No matter how well you think you know a person, you really don't know them and when it comes to giving money, I personally choose not to give to these causes, not because I don't think they are worthy...but because I never truly know that they are legit. 

And yes, no need to have an IF board vs Multiples board... there are many of us that belong to both. 

Prettyaccountant's losses are devastating, and I have been thinking about her ever since I read the news.  I do think it is a worthy cause to donate and I do hope that the money raised will help alleviate some of that stress for her family.  But, it's a personal choice whether or not to trust any donation made in a circumstance like this, and no one should be judged on that choice.

Absolutely, well said.  If anyone feels that they are uncomfortable with it, they definitely should not donate.  There is no pressure involved or hard feelings.  Those who chose to just send notes or cards are just as appreciated.  You should only donate if you feel this is a cause you want to support and you are comfortable with it.  

As previously stated, if you did make a donation and are having second thoughts and are no longer comfortable with it, I will absolutely refund it with zero issue or hard feelings, and it will be kept totally confidential---no one will know it was retracted.

 

robinsokj

Your defensiveness over people acting completely rationally to a person they've never seen seeking money doesn't sit right with me

atlb

robinsokj:

Your defensiveness over people acting completely rationally to a person they've never seen seeking money doesn't sit right with me

This times eleventy billion. You are WAY too defensive over this, and phrases like "reaching MY goal of $5000" don't help. I never got a good vibe from you on TTGP, and I don't get a good vibe from you now.

That aside, I hate that prettyaccountant is going through this horrible tragedy. If I can find some wiggle room in my budget, I will PM her directly and send a donation to her.

KarliB84

atlb:

robinsokj:

Your defensiveness over people acting completely rationally to a person they've never seen seeking money doesn't sit right with me

This times eleventy billion. You are WAY too defensive over this, and phrases like "reaching MY goal of $5000" don't help. I never got a good vibe from you on TTGP, and I don't get a good vibe from you now.

That aside, I hate that prettyaccountant is going through this horrible tragedy. If I can find some wiggle room in my budget, I will PM her directly and send a donation to her.

 

I feel the same exact way... Something just doesn't sit well with me. My heart goes out to prettyaccountant as I can't imagine what she is going through.