Aaarghhh...DD's "quality time" with husband

stephanie_shoe

I'm kind of at a cross-roads in my relationship with my husband.  This first year of being parents was very hard on our marriage and nearly broke us.  Things have slowly been improving, but I have come to the realization that we parent very differently.

He talks about how he spends "quality time" with our daughter on the weekends, but in my opinion his QT is spent watching TV while our baby plays with her toys by herself. I rarely say anything to him about it, because I don't want it to seem like I am criticizing him...would I like it if he implied I wasn't doing my best as a parent?

Also, he gets very impatient with her and very stressed when she cries, or when she is goofing off on the changing table--but he talks about wanting another!

I have had the conversation with him about not having another until a lot of things change.  For instance, he has told me he will no longer be helping me take care of our dogs (he wants to get rid of them), and he will do chores around the house "when he feels like it."

What should I do?  How do I broach the subject of doing more with DD, but helping ME out also?  It seems like everything I have tried has fallen on deaf ears.  At the very least, can someone give me advice on just how to cope with his parenting style?

Kmhsswim

I'm sorry things have been so stressful!  We definitely have our moments here, too.  DH is traveling to Canada for two weeks and his idea of quality time with DD before he goes was taking her for a run in the jogging stroller today. 

It's hard, but I have learned that I can't really comment on his parenting style unless it is a legit safety issue because he feels attacked.  I worked in childcare, am currently a preschool teacher and have a degree in early childhood.  He refuses to read anything related to childhood development and chooses to go on instinct.  We have had our challenges with this approach. 

 As far as household and DD chores have gone - we ended up writing down on a whiteboard what needed to be done for the week and crossing them off as they were completed.  DH is not as comfortable packing DD's lunch or doing her laundry, so I end up doing most of that.  But seeing the chores written down and what both of us were getting done helped the two of us realize that we were both busy and both getting things done. 

As far as number 2, if you are not ready and don't feel he is helping the way he needs to just tell him you are not ready for number 2.  You don't need to go in to details of what he isn't doing. I think it would be good to separate the conversations - how you want him to help around the house/having number 2. 

Good luck! 

AnjaO

This has also been a rough year for us.  In addition to having DS, my husband changed jobs, taking a significant pay cut (and it's a post doc, so it's not going to last very long...), we moved to a different area, and we bought a house that has required quite a bit of work on our part (painting from top to bottom for one...).  We have been going to counseling, but we've been on quite the roller coaster.  We just went away overnight for the first time, and things are a lot better at the moment.  It was good to have a little time without responsibility.

DH interacts with DS much in the same way yours does.  For a long, long time, he didn't really do anything with DS unless we were in public and he was showing off.  Now he likes to take DS out to stores (especially hardware stores, LOL), but otherwise doesn't do a lot of interacting.  We've settled on a routine where he bathes, pajamas, and reads to DS at night and sometimes feeds him breakfast or dinner.  DH also doesn't have a lot of patience when DS is upset.  I've learned, though, that the more I criticize, the less he does.  It's better to have a non-emotional conversation about things when you're not in the middle of them, and for the most part, as long as he's not hurting DS, I can't really say much.  As DS is getting older, DH interacts with him more, and it seems like that's pretty typical of men...  I work at home and am also working on the house, so honestly, DS is often playing by himself anyway.  I do wish DH would do more getting up in the middle of the night with DS, but DS almost always wants mommy anyway...

 The dog part, I would kick him in the head.  It's been more challenging having our dogs since having DS, especially when the bark right after he falls asleep... but our older dog was hit by a car on Christmas (DH was playing with them outside off leash...), and I will never ever again resent the barking or walking, I miss him so much...

 As for the housework, my argument with DH has been that he's not "helping me," he's doing his part.  It's not my job to do housework just because I'm a woman or home most of the time (though if I didn't work, I would try to do a large part of it).  My DH would rather do housework than play with DS anyway, so it's been more trying to balance the two.

Sorry this is so long... and I wish I could help more.  I guess I'm just offering commiseration, and I hope it gets better.  I would recommend counseling, though, and a routine of things DH can do with DD.  Ask him if he cares enough about you and your family to change some things and make some compromises.  If not...

campbaby76

I hate to say that it's a man thing... But I do believe that men interact differently with kids than woman do.  I have noticed that Kyle is willing to do more with Jack now that Jack is more mobile, vocal and aware.  That said Kyle still will not keep Jack by himself when he is awake, won't take him anywhere by himself and is just now starting to get him in the middle of the night if he should wake up.  This is as much my fault as it is his. I have let this happen since day one and kind of forgot that he has never been around babies before Jack. Its just so much easier for me to just do it that I don't give him the chance.

As far as getting things around the house done, this is an area that I want to beat my head against the wall.  We have had a TON of passionate, calm, rational, tearful, joking, angry discussions about this. I am working full time,

We tried the whole write it down cross it off method.  He wants me to tell him what to do each evening. I don't want to have to nag him. It's freaking ridiculous!!

GHBEA

I tell my DH what Olivia likes to do.  I will get out her Mega Blocks and start to build and then they both start playing.

My DH is a big TV watcher and it drives me crazy.  He use to just hold her on his lap.  Now he will read to her,and play while watching TV.  She loves her daddy and this is what works for them.

I found out he was not hands on with his son and he wants to be a better father to Olivia.  Just have to direct them in the right direction in a nonjudgmental way.

So far so good here even if the TV is still on he is interacting with her. 

ITGurl0626

I'm starting to think it is a man thing.  I have come home to Giselle sitting on my DH's lap while playing video games eating Funions with him.  To him that was some straight up quality time.  I don't criticize him & let it be.  I did tell him that there are plenty of other snacks in the house she could've eaten that were healthier than the freaking Funions, but I digress.  One time won't kill her.

suv75

Sorry things are so rough. I agree that men have different ways of interacting with babies than women, generally speaking. Sounds like you guys need some good quality family time. Maybe spend the day at the park and just enjoy family time. And definitely don't attack his style. Maybe next time they play together you can say something like, "she really loves it when we play xyz.". Involve him when you and her play together. It may take some time but he will figure it out. And, if not, then you just have to accept him as is, so long as she isn't in danger, let it go.