Worst condolences or advice??

afangman

As of Friday I have had two miscarriages in 4 months. Friday when I was going through the worst of it one of my friends said, "I wonder what's wrong with you and causing you to have this happen." who says that? Obviously I am wondering the same thing, but those are not comforting words. What are some of the worst things that people have said to you when trying to make you feel better?

holly321

People should not be allowed to talk.

I was told, there will  always be other children, alot.  Like that baby didn't matter.  And my mom could not have children after having me, so that isn't always the case.

Last month, there was question to whether I was pregnant and miscarrying again, or residual hormones (residual, thank God), and I shared with my boss, since I kept having to leave for betas.  She explained to me that it wasnt healthy to keep miscarrying, so I better hold off. 

amp61470

I am sick of hearing " Well you can get pregnant, so you can try again". My sister also said the prepared thing.... She meant well but... I hate the comments, it's like people don't understand or care. Not sure which. It was a baby to me, not just a thought or a figment of my imagination. My heart is broken and I cried listening to American Girl the other day. The line "when something that so close is still so far out of reach..." 

I don't want anyone to go through what I did, but damn I wish they could understand... It isn't just the physical loss, it is a loss of what could have been and what should've  been.... I already thought I knew what it would look like... I could see it's tiny smile. It wasn't just an embryo or fetus, it was my baby and it's gone forever.

Mermaid1979

Argh! That's so horrible!! I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you're having to endure insensitive comments by people who don't understand. It particularly hurts when it comes from friends or family-- it made me feel a loss of closeness/understanding with some of them.

The truth is, most people don't know what the h*ll to say-- they're either so uncomfortable or they want to comfort you but don't know how. I would love to post an announcement to the world saying, "When someone you know miscarries, just say 'I'm so sorry for your loss-- is there anything I can do to help?'  and leave out all the other unhelpful/hurtful comments, questions, and suggestions!"

The worst was hearing my best friend say, "Don't worry... I'm sure you can still have another baby."  Ugh-- knife through the heart. I know she meant well, but it really hurt and made me recognize I really couldn't rely on her for comfort and understanding.  

It's really sad that people can't just treat it like any other time when a loved one dies-- they always say "I'm so sorry for your loss-- is there anything I can do for you?"  Why does it have to be any different in this case?? (sorry-- just venting)

Keep coming here for kind words and compassion-- everyone here is the best. 

I hope that you have some understanding people surrounding you as you try to get through this. ((HUGS))

Albah

It's terrible what some people say. I am so sorry you've had to go through it as well. It seems to be a part of this whole process. One comment I received sticks out from many. This is how it went:

**DS & breastfeeding mentioned below** 

Person: You know, I don't mean to be rude and I know you are in the health care field and know about all this, but this is all your fault!"

Me: (In shock) No, it's not! What do you mean?

Person: Well, you are too skinny. You needed to prepare and eat well in order to give nutrition to the baby and gain some weight. 

Me: No, my weight is fine, I am eating well and more than I probably should since I was still breastfeeding my son. So no, nutrition is not a problem and not the cause of my miscarriage. In fact, my doctor said there is nothing that could have been done.

 

Geez, I was so upset for days and I still cringe at the conversation. I had to contain myself since it was one of my husband's family members but that was one of the worse things I have ever been told in my life.  

ComingUpRoses

I've heard them all. Some of the worst, "Maybe this one was a boy" (because we already had a son, and of course we would want a girl next, right?! I was PISSED at that comment, thanks, Step-mother!), "Is there something you can do differently or eat to make sure you don't lose the next one?" Oh, yes, of *course*! Why didn't I think of that after 3 miscarriages?! Of course, I'll just eat "apples" or what have you, and that will solve everything (Thanks, Mom). I've also heard, "At least you weren't [insert any number of weeks ahead of where I was at my miscarriages]" and, "I'm sure there was something wrong with the baby," yes, I'm sure there was, too, but then again, maybe the baby was perfect, so thanks for that. 

We could make lists. Lists upon lists, of what not to say, the lists are out there, they've been out there. The same things get said every single time. They think they are being helpful, when in reality, it just makes it worse. It is simple, what to say, really. Just say, "I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?" and then mean it. For all the people who have said things that hurt, there have been friends who brought over meals the day after my D&C, relatives who came and stayed a few days to keep our boys occupied while dh & I went to my numerous dr's appointments and then hospital stay, and people who sent cards of condolence, friends who had a star named after the baby, send a custom embroidered blanket, someone sent me angel earrings. For all the bad, I have also experienced the good side. But it doesn't make the bad comments easier to hear.  

geminiways

my FIL said, 'well i really hope you guys keep trying, it's great fun to be a parent.'

my MIL shot him a death look and i'm sure he got scolded heavily once we left i'm waiting to schedule my d&c for this miscarriage and debating whether to even tell them about this one! 

janastep73

I've been told a lot of things....

"At least you're young, you can try again" (from a person who's had a miscarriage)

"It was your body's way of telling you something wasn't right" (from a person who had had a miscarriage)

"It's better this way than to have had a baby with something wrong with it."

"It's nature's way of taking care of things."

 

I would almost rather have someone say any of these things than act like nothing has happened.  

LorMor

I was told we're trying too hard. WTF?????

She knew NOTHING of our journey - that we'd conceived almost the minute we stopped contraception the first time, and before I'd even had a cycle the second time, so we didn't even realise we were trying at all, let alone TOO HARD. 

Louphelia

I know how you feel. My monster in law told me that she was sorry and knew how I felt because she had had a miscarriage, but that baby was actually wanted and planned for (this is my 3rd miscarriage and it was completely planned even though we said it wasn't since we're pretty young).  Then she proceeded to tell me that we were better off not being parents for a long time.  If she weren't 800 miles away, I probably would have tried to kill her.  I know that she hates me, but honest to God...she's been through this, how could she be so insensitive?