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Blended Families
Not a BF issue, but frustrated just the same.
Children don't LISTEN. This is becoming a huge issue at our house and i'm at my wits end as to how to teach my 9 y/o SS and my 10 y/o SD how to LISTEN when people talk.
Yesterday, my DH was doing some work in our yard and SS and SD were helping him. He asked SS to put a tool in the shed....mind you, they were in the back yard. The shed is in the back yard....this should have been an easy task.
SS instead came in the house, went out into our attached garage, put the tool on the work bench in there (which wouldn't have been a big deal, except for what happened next). He then tried to go out of the garage through the bay door....well instead of pushing the button that's on the wall to open the electroinically controlled door, he tried to pull up on the handle part that's actually on the door, which in itself wouldn't have been a big deal except, he DIDN'T pull up on the handle....he pulled up on the lever to LOCK the bay door.
So when he figured out he couldn't get out that way, he came back in through the house (leaving the door to the garage WIDE open mind you), and went back out into the yard and never said a word to my DH (or anyone) that he had pulled on the lever on the garage door.
Fast forward about 15 minutes and I go to leave for the store. I go out to the garage, find the door from the house to the garage WIDE open and think "WTF?". Then I press the button to open the garage door (which is now locked shut mind you). And BAM we now have a busted garage door.
DH had to physically push the door open in order for us to be able to get our car out!
If SS had 1) put the tool where DH asked him to or 2) mentioned that he went in the garage instead or 3) mentioned that he couldn't get the garage door open (point us to the problem with the lock) we would not have a broken garage door now.
I'm pissed, and I know it's not a BF issue, if he were my bio son I'd be just as frustrated.
How do you get a kid to LISTEN, pay attention, etc?
/end vent.
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Re: Not a BF issue, but frustrated just the same.
Have them repeat exactly what you just said and then a small punishment when they do not follow through.
The reality is, your SS was disobedient. And while it only caused a monetary issue this time, he could have cause physical harm. Not LISTENING is a cop out.
I do this with my 3 yo, and her punishment for to doing what I ask when I ask is a 3min time out.
I would be soooooo bullshiiit. I agree with PP about having them repeat instructions when you give them, and consequences for not listening.
I make my 2 yr old repeat stuff back to me, because I seriously cannot stand when kids don't listen. If I tell one of my kids to come here, they better get their butts in gear and come here. If either disobeys or doesn't listen they go in timeout (age appropriate amount of time) and then when they are done they have to tell me why they went into time out and apologize for whatever behavior they did that wasn't acceptable.
Thank you ladies for the suggestions, I think we are going to implement the "repeat it back" and "time out" methods.
Today, SS was sitting on the couch watching a show with DH while SD and I were making deviled eggs. DD was wandering around playing, talking to people, etc, and she went up to SS and said "help me, Help me peese" (she wanted a plastic easter egg opened) and he didn't notice that she was asking for his help so I called his name and i said "A__ look, she wants your help" and he literally got up OFF the couch (remember she was standing right in front of him) started to walk toward the kitchen, saying "what?" and then DH repeated it "A, she wants your help". SS kept walking into the kitchen like "What? What do you need?" And I said "A, STOP. Right there. Just LISTEN to what is being said to you before you DO anything. We are telling you that your sister, who was standing RIGHT in front of you, needed your help. Turn around and go help her!".
So frustrating.
Get his hearing checked and then start with punishments. Because the incident with DD you just relayed is either a hearing problem or a purposeful act of passive Agressive disobedience.
There is NO WAY he did not know what was going on...that his little sister was asking for help or that his parents were then I strutting him TO help her.
He just didn't want to be bothered with his kid sister, which I get, but then had to play that whole game with you two to "get out of it".
Sometimes It feels like he's just "acting" before listening to the whole instruction, like, I'll say "A, can you go in the living room and..[he starts moving toward the living room without waiting to hear what i want/need]...get me the white [he grabs the first white thing he sees, still not waiting to hear me finish the instruction] blanket." [he's got a white vase in his hand and then acts confused when i tell him that's not what I wanted.]
So we've decided our course of action is:
1) hearing checked because if it IS something medical we don't want to punish him for it
2) Talk to the therapist (SS has Asperger's, and so some of this could be attributed to the "spaced out, in their own world" sort of way that Asperger's kids are.
3) Start requiring him to focus and repeat back what we have said before doing what it is we're asking him to do.
This is highly likely, my DD does these same type of things when she's spaced out, but she also has ADHD along with Asperger's.
ding ding ding!
It's called an auditory processing disorder. Some of it gets better with maturation of the (male) brain, but a great deal is a part of his ASD's. Most kids on the spectrum struggle with auditory processing. My son, for example, does better when I ask him about his day at school not right after school, but close to dinner time. His brain has had some time to process his day by the evening, rather than immediately afterward. He also struggles with multiple step direction (go to your room -step 1, open your drawer-step2, and get clean socks-step 3). This sounds like your SS's glitch with the garage door thing. Next time, try to break up the task into no more than one or two steps at a time and go from there. Also, I don't think he was being defiant when he locked up the door and then didn't tell you. His anxiety may have kicked in and then his brain shifted its attention to something else, once the problem was "solved" (not to an NT's person liking-yours, unfortunately).
Oh, and repeating the task back to you may have no effect, either. The autistic brain prides itself on excellent rote memory, so he will likely be able to parrot it right back to you, but the comprehension of the task may still be up in the air.
Breaking up the task, prompting, visual cues...those may be better things to help him remember. Ask his therapist or psych what they recommend for him specifically.
PP, you are dead on about the issues with his ASD.
The thing I don't get about this particular situation is that DH did give him a ONE STEP direction: Put this tool in the shed.
He turned it into a mulitple step thing in his head: put the tool in the garage (wrong place), leave the garage through the bay door (which is not the door he came in through), turn this handle to get out, no wait, this one, locked myself in, go back out through the door i came in through, don't close that door behind me, don't tell my stepmom (who I had to walk right past) that I had been in the garage and messed with the door....
It was just really strange. And you're probably right about the fact that he got anxious when he locked the door, and his brain switched him to a different topic to avoid the anxiety....and that's why he didn't tell us.
I try so hard to be compassionate about his limitations and I think that most of the time I do pretty well, but sometimes I"m just so frustrated (not AT him per-se, but at the situations we find ourselves in KWIM?).
I teach 12-13 year olds, and have the same problem. In fact, I now find myself saying similar things to them as I do to DS who's five. I will now say "look at me", and then give my instruction -but only if they're looking at me. I check for understanding (sometimes multiple times), and have them repeat the instruction. I feel like I'm teaching babies sometimes...
I do actually teach many other classes (of varying ages) but I find the 12-13 year olds are the worst for not listening.
I know what you mean, sister....autism sucks!
Anywho, could be an executive function glitch - even with one step directions, dunno.
Also, your husband may have given him a one step direction, but maybe in a manner that could have been sufficient for an NT kiddo. As in, he could have mumbled over his shoulder, no eye contact: "hey kiddo, go put that in the shed." Your SS could have mechanically replied:"ok", but without processing the request. Then, his brain may have realized somebody asked him to do something with the tool, but the executive function glitch prevented him from confirming what exactly he was suppossed to with it, so he just tried to figure it out on his own...probably with a good dose of anxiety...'cause he knew he missed the clue and was probably going to mess up. So, why didn't he ask for clarification then?....Anxiety and executive function glitch - again. Does that make sense? It's a vicious cycle...
So what to do?
Our kids are at that age now that often times they may be our best go-to people in these situations when we really want to find out what happenned. When my DS was small, it was a lot of guessing. Now - if something like your "WTF situation" happens to us, I wait until I'm calm and can rationally inquire about it with him. What does he think that made him solve the situation the way he did? You may have to help him with prompts. Also, I make sure I'm completely removed from the upsetting situation because it's not gonna work, if you approach him upset or in an accusatory manner because you're still mad how much your door is going to cost you. His anxiety will detect it, and he will likely lock up and tell you nothing. But, if you give it a day or so and really approach it like you want to learn from it and help him come up with a better solution in the future, he may let you in on his internal thinking processes. He already knows he messed up, so that's done. You want to help him make better decisions in the future, so that should be your goal. You can however tell him that since he did A, the door broke, so you want to help him do B next time, so there are no damages.
Good luck!