Late Term and Child Loss


First, let me state that I am not criticizing anyone's beliefs, I am not trying to start a war of any kind, just having troubles with my own beliefs.  And I completely understand if you don't want to respond, I know this is a touchy subject.

Let me start by saying that I do not believe in a God, I do not believe in Heaven.  I do not believe that I will ever see my son in the afterlife.  For those of you that do believe that, I think that it must bring you some comfort knowing that your child is "in good hands" and that you will meet again (although of course you wish it didn't have to be this way), and for that I am a little jealous.  My question/thought is this: for those of you with similar beliefs as mine, do you have any feelings/thoughts that bring you comfort in dealing with your loss?  I have had people die around me before, but nothing that compares to losing my child.  I have always been "ok" with the fact that they are gone and I will never see them again, but I guess the fact that I never got a chance to know Robin, that it wasn't his time, is the part that makes this hard for me.  And for those of you that do believe in heaven, has your belief in any way changed?  Do you not "trust" God anymore to make the best decisions?  Do you believe now, more than ever, that you will meet again?

I know there is no right or wrong on the subject, I've just never struggled so hard with what I believe in.  And I'm sorry if this came off in anyway offensive, I respect everyone's right to believe in what they want.

BFP#1: EDD 10/11/11 Our sweet boy Robin was born 7 weeks a little early on 8/23/11 due to HELLP syndrome, unfortunately he was diagnosed with Trisomy13 and left us on 8/29/11. BFP#2: EDD 10/13/13

Re: faith?

  • We're a pretty cool-headed bunch here, so I don't think anyone will be offended. We're all entitled to our own beliefs. It's natural that a tragedy like we've all been through will lead to some discussions & questioning of faith.

    I don't know that my beliefs have really changed much, but they've been kind of confirmed. I have met several baby loss mamas who are very religious and who believe that their baby is in heaven with God, and that God has a plan for their life, etc. Right after our loss I thought what a comfort that must be, to have that belief- but I just don't. On the other hand, some of those same mamas struggle with wondering, was God punishing them? Why would God allow this to happen? Etc. I am free from wondering any of that kind of stuff.

    I don't believe in God, or fate, or karma anymore. I don't believe that life is fair, nor is it meant to be. I believe in chance, and timing, and a little bit of luck. I believe the world is a random place. Bad things can and do happen to good people, and the other way around. I believe in cause & effect, action & reaction- something happens, there is a reaction, which causes another event, etc. on down the line. I believe we have choices that can influence what happens to us, but other things are totally out of our hands.

    I don't know if my "beliefs" bring me comfort, per se. But I don't wonder if I'm being punished, and I have never struggled with "why did this happen to me?" I've never once wondered that. Because- why NOT me? I know that the choices I make influence outcomes, and that often good choices can lead to good outcomes. But sometimes choices can be wrong, and sometimes the outcomes are bad despite the good choices that led to them. I don't believe that "things happen for a reason"- I think that any "reason" you can find is simply a perspective applied after the fact.

    Does this make the world a bigger, scarier place? Possibly. But it also means I've got good odds for having good things happen to me too. It means that I know I can influence what happens to me by my choices, I can choose the direction in which those events steer my life.

    This is what I believe, at least on a good day. It doesn't prevent me from feeling angry, jealous, guilty, sorry for myself- just like I'm sure their faith doesn't always keep religious folks from feeling those things.

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  • I have very similar beliefs, and I am not sure there is anything that really brings me comfort in this regards. I sometimes talk out loud (in my home, not randomly in public) to Genevieve, although I don't believe anyone actually hears me; it sometimes just helps to talk out loud.  I also believe energy is not destroyed but transferred; I held my DD as she died, and so I believe at least some of her energies must have been transferred to me, which makes her part of me still.  I am sure there is some scientific argument to that, but its what I choose to believe. What I struggle with most is the thought that "its not fair".  I don't believe life is fair in general, but this is where my major hang up is.

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  • I do believe in heaven and God, but exactly how is completely changing for me right now (questioning my Catholic roots, etc...).  But what I did want to say, that may help you is that my husband is very science based and one thing that makes both of us feel better is that all matter remains in one way or another and we are all just different combinations of the same stuff (Yes, I know I am wording this in a very elementary way).  But it brings me peace knowing that Annabelle's body is joining the earth and that a part of her is going back into the circle of life.  Does that make sense?  I like to think that we are all connected in some way and that my baby is always going to be a part of me.
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  • My faith was shaky, at best, when Jack was alive. But once he died, I stopped believing to be honest. I remember standing outside the hospital at 2am a few days after Jack was born, begging and pleading out loud with god to not take Jack away from me..obvisously, it didn't work.

    I just have a hard time understanding why this happened to me..why this happened to any of us. My parents are devout Catholics, and have told me several times over the years that Jack is in a better place. And my response is what place could be better then being with his Mommy and Daddy. They tell me that had he survived, the quality of his life would not be good. My question is, why did he have to be sick at all. I would like to believe that there is a heaven-heck, we told Jack the last time we held him to look for great-grandpa when he got to heaven because great-grandpa would take care of him. But to me, it just doesn't bring me comfort thinking that Jack is floating amongst the clouds or whatever-I don't want him sitting somewhere looking down on me..I want him in my arms. Again, I know people believe different things, but I find no comfort in hearing "things happen for a reason"--if there is a reason, I want to know what it is. I want to know what logical point there was to me losing my son-my first born. Why won't his sister or any other siblings get to know him. Why didn't my sister ever get to meet him (because of weather-she wasn't able to make it home for his funeral). I just want to know why I will never hold Jack again, why I never got to see him walk, never got to hear his voice, will never get to see him off to kindergarten, see him graduate high school, get married, have his own kids.  Phew!!...obvisously, I have an opinion on this..sorry if I offended anyone with my little rant.

    What brings me comfort, is talking to him. Usually when I am alone driving home from work, I will tell him about my day or tell him how much I love him. Like someone else said, I don't think he can hear me, but it helps me to get those feelings out.



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  • I think I posted something very similar soon after Sylvie died.  I don't believe in God, I'm not even sure I believe in a higher power but I tend to believe in the "Universe" and energy and the like. After Sylvie I was very angry with the Universe.  I couldn't (and sometimes still struggle) with the "why" of this entire situation. Something my friend said after our loss has brought me some comfort, sometimes more than others.  I was going on and on about why the Universe would take Sylvie from us and how I believe that the Universe should want her alive.  My friend said, "I believe that the Universe did want her but some horrible act of randomness occurred and Sylvie died."  The concept that not even the Universe had control over the situation brought me some comfort.  The thought that the Universe still wanted her but couldn't keep her helped bring me comfort.

    For me the difficult part is coming to accept the fact that this happened for no good reason.  That sometimes sh!t just happens and none of us have any control over any of it.  It is really humbling.  

    BFP #1 - Missed M/C, D&C 3.21.11

    BFP #2 - Sylvie V. Q. born and died on 10.28.11 at 21w. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    BFP #3 - Evie V. Q. Fetal demise @ 16w. DC 7.8.12
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    BFP  #4 - Beatrix V. Q. Born 6.2.13 at 23w6d.

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  • Firstly we are all entitled to our own beliefs and no one who has true faith would be angry with you or offended by your post.  It isn't our place to judge how or what you believe.  That is your life and your heart it ishow you see the world and it is fine for you to express that.

    Now that being said, I do believe in God and heaven and hell.  But whenn Kamryn died it shattered for a long time.  It just fell apart in front of me.  Now I have never really talked about this so bear with me.

    On the way to the hospital I spoke to my DH who was in the ambulence with Kamryn and he said "they are beating her heart for her." I said "Is she alive" and he said "they are beating her heart for her" that was all he would say.  I hung up and lost it.

    I am and have always been pentecostal so I did what came naturally, I prayed, I spoke in toungues, I thanked God for the gift he gave me in Kamryn, I thanked him for saving her, I thanked him for breathing life into her, I thanked him for the miracle that I just knew he was going to perform.....He didn't perform it.  I watched them stop beating her heart.....And then someone said "We don't have enough faith to save her.." And crash went all of the faith I had shown in that car, it was gone if that wasn't enough well I didn't have anymore to give.

    I did eventually find it again but can I tell you, it doesn't help, it isn't comforting, it doesn't make me feel better.  It doesn't make me feel worse but it makes nothing easier because no matter if I may see her later I am not seeing her now and a mommy is supposed to see their baby through life and feel them in their arms.  I believe we will go to heaven to worship God, to live eternally but we won't exist like we do here we won't live like a family like this.  I will never have with her what I should have had. 

    I can imagine that seeing people who believe in God and heaven may seem like we have a comfort there but it isn't really.  It is still an angry, bitter, unfair, cold and calice world after losing your baby.  No matter your beliefs you aren't alone, I promise.

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  • I am an atheist and do not believe in heaven and I struggle with the same issue and definitely relate to the idea of wishing there was a plan or that I would see them again. I guess one of the things that I sometimes consider is that there is no "why" for why this had to happen to me. Its not part of a grand plan or scheme, god is not punishing me or testing me, it just *is.* That thought actually helps me when I am having bitter thoughts about why other people can have healthy kids. I personally just do not believe that there would be a god who would put us, and others who have dealt with unspeakable tragedies, through this all as part of a plan.
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    DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
    DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
  • Hi Friends,

    I was raised as a Christian, and although I technically became one in 2nd grade, I drifted from God a lot from 16 on and didn't much look like one to the outside eye (for the most part) for a long time after that.  In 2009 I had a bit of a faith crisis.  I realized I had no idea why I believed what I believed.  No reason to think Christianity was true over any of the other religions of the world.  That sent me on a journey of researching and learning the reasons to believe or "evidence" for Christianity...sometimes called Christan apologetics.  I have read both sides and weighed the evidence and for me,  I believe the case for Christianity being true is strong and I rededicated my life to Christ.  Since that time, my faith has really grown.  It made a huge difference for me to learn that while I may be called to faith, it is by no means a blind faith.  I think this is a huge disservice that the church performs....telling people what to believe, but not why.

    I have spent a lot of time volunteering in the fight against human trafficking.  So, losing my daughter was not the first time I have been confronted by the question of pain and suffering in this world.  It is something I have wrestled with, prayed about and in many ways come to peace over - though that does not mean I don't hurt or suffer by any stretch.  

    As I have read scripture and studied God's Word, I don't see a God who causes pain and suffering (though He can and does use it for good).  I see a God who is about redemption in the midst of it.  We live in a broken world.  The only way true love can exist is if there is a choice not to.  With choice can (and does) come brokenness.  I believe God is redeeming this brokenness for our good and His His time.  I see it in healing that comes from missionaries' work with former child soldiers...dead eyes light up and dream again.  I see it in smiles on orphans at a Christian orphanage I worked at it in Africa....there is deep joy, joy that we can't even really understand in the USA.  I see it in a kind text message from my little sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters after a rough few weeks when I felt hopeless that things would change....slowly but surely she is changing and it is beautiful.  

    Could God snap His fingers and make it all right?  Yes.  Sometimes I wish He would.  Other times I realize that when your timeline is eternity and you are all powerful all knowing, you may have a different approach than I can appreciate from my finite position in time.  

    Does that mean I don't hurt?  Of course not.  I have grieved deeply this past year.  When we were given the news at our anatomy scan that our daughter had no limbs and her brain had not developed, I wanted to tear my hair out.  Instead we read from Psalms and prayed through tears.  When I got home I cried until threw up.  I beat my fists into the floor - more than once this past year.  I begged God to heal her and change that.  He did not.  I was angry - and I denied it and I stayed angry.  Then I let it out and sat in it.  I yelled at Him - why, why, why.  Still it hits me out of nowhere and I am back in the dark place of early grief.  It is Easter, I should have my baby for her first Easter.  Instead I will clean her grave and place flowers there.  Nevertheless, slowly over the past year, He has begun to heal my heart and through His spirit my faith has been strengthened and I have had moments of feeling His presence that are a gift.  

    This has been longer than I intended, and I hope I didn't sound preachy (if I did, I apologize).  I just wanted to share my heart on my journey and why I believe what I believe.  I do believe my daughter is healed and whole and with the Lord and that I will see her again in eternity.  While it is comforting on one level that she is protected from a lot of the evil of this world and pain and is still heartbreaking as her mother to never have had all of the mother/daughter things of this world that I wanted.  And with a likely 25% chance of recurrence with any pregnancy, the cloud hangs over my head that I may have to walk this path again.  However, I didn't walk it alone the first time and trust that I won't if I have to do it again.  Though of course my deepest desire is that will not happen.

    Again, sorry for the length.  I love you ladies and hope my post has not alienated anyone in anyway.  I know there are many views represented here and just wanted to share a little of the background on mine.


    We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013.  We love her to pieces.  

    We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011.  She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.

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