Deciding whether to be one and done or try for our second
Our son will be four in a couple of months. We originally wanted to have our children closer together, but job loss and some other issues came up and now here we are.
Our plan right now is to start trying this summer, which would give us an early spring baby if we get pregnant right away. I am just so torn on whether this is the best decision for us or not.
Reasons to be one and done are mostly selfish, but things are just getting SO EASY now with an almost 4 year old. Our marriage is great, we are happier than we've ever been. (We had some issues for the first year or so with our son.) I keep thinking, do we really want to mess with a good thing? I keep thinking of all the things we can do with one child versus two: more travel, more money, better able to pay for one college education than two, and so on. I also have some guilt because our son is our whole life, and I feel like we'll be changing his whole life and somehow taking away from him. Probably sounds crazy, but that's just how I feel sometimes.
The only reason there really is to have a second is just because I REALLY want one, and want a sibling for our son. My husband says he wants one too, but I don't think it's the same for him. I don't know how to explain it, it's like I have an intense desire to have another child and he seems like he'd be fine either way.
I know they say you only regret the children you don't have, and I don't want to look back in 10 years when it's too late and wish we would have had another. It just seems like it makes so much more "sense" to stick with one.
Did anyone else struggle with this decision? Our tentative plan is to start trying in late summer, but I don't know if it's right since I am having these reservations.
Re: Deciding whether to be one and done or try for our second
I plan on being one and done, even though I still struggle with this decsion often. I have to know before too long becuase for personal reasons, I won't be having children over 35 & I'm approaching 34 now.
I would say it sounds like another one would be good for you. I struggle with the idea of one because I don't want to cheat DD out of having a sibling, don't want her to ever be alone...that kind of stuff. But I don't have a strong desire to have another baby the way you do.
I'd say that strong desire should be the determining factor for you. If you really want it, then it's probably a good idea.
our kids are 3.5 years apart and I have to say that I think it's a good age. The 4 year old is such a good big brother and he understands consequences. I think if you wait too much longer your kids won't be friends but will be too far apart in age to have common areas to get along about.
It is hectic to have 2 kids but I love it. That said, we're 2 and through. Not a shot at us having a 3rd kid. DH didn't even want 2 but I stuck to my guns with it. 3 kids would be so hard for us and our lifestyle. And I really don't want to go through the infancy up all night crap again.
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2nd DS is almost 1 and is your typical baby...lol. We got used to 1st DS (who is 4) doing things on his own....bathroom, drinks, getting dressed, playing, etc.
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I feel this way about moms of 2. I had it easy and my moms of 2 friends have it easy how that there 2 are 4 and 6 like mine. Add a 2 year old and it become crazy!
I think everyone feels this way when TTC and pg... and maybe during the first few newborn weeks. But once baby starts interacting and you see the bond between siblings, that goes out the window. There is a poem about this that someone posted when I was pg with #2 and worried about these things, I don't have it handy, maybe someone else does, it circulates on this board a lot.
I think this is pretty normal. REALLY wanting another with "an intense desire" is probably the impetus for most people TTC. If he wasn't on board, that would be an issue, but one spouse seeming to want it more than the other at different times is natural IMO. We didn't with #2, we always really wanted 2 and for DS1 to have a sibling. But we did question the decision to have 3. I think you will always have some reservations. When you put it in black and white, I don't know if having ANY children makes "sense"... so I guess it is more that you determine you can financially and emotionally make it work for everyone and the feeling that your family is incomplete and the intense desire for another child outweighs the other considerations (and you decide to TTC)... or not (and you don't). And if you don't know what to do right now, just hold off, it isn't like you need to wait 10 years (and it is too late) to reevaluate.We are 90% sure we are one and done. DS is 3.5 and I also love being able to do things (travel, go out to eat, etc) easily with him and I do not miss diapers and sleep deprivation at all. For us, a major deciding factor is money- in that we are pretty broke as a result of my being home and working part time since having DS (and I wouldn't change the time I have been able to spend with him for the world), and our townhouse is small but we are totally stuck here. At times, I have pangs of wanting another and/or wanting DS to have a sibling, but nothing overwhelming. We are so happy with DS and feel so lucky to have such a healthy, smart, hilarious boy that we are fairly content with our one and done decision.
Good luck with whatever you decide!