Are you ever surprised at how much you can withstand?

MandaS08

I was thinking about this today, as we approach our 2 year mark of TTC and the start of our second IVF cycle.

If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would go through months of TTC, 2 losses and a failed IVF cycle and still not be pregnant I would have told you that you were crazy b/c I would give up way before that, and there was no way I could handle going through all that.  Until now I've lived a very blessed life, without any major struggles.

It makes me feel strong-that I have a strength I never knew I had.  It also makes me feel sad-that I've had to be so strong.

Does anyone ever think about this?

delino

Heck yea! I feel like I'm going through the motions and have been beat down, but I keep going some how some way.

DoublePortion

Yes! It is amazing how much we can withstand just to get the desires of our hearts. My 2 year mark is coming up soon too and never in a million years would I have guessed 2 years ago how much my life was going to change. There are definitely a lot of mixed emotions in the IF process. Best wishes that you not see another IF anniversary!!

brooklynesque

Yes.  I'm surprised both by how hard this has been and, at times, by the fact that I'm actually able to handle it all without getting deeply depressed. 

I also like to hope that IF will make me a better, more empathetic person rather than an angrier person.  Jury's still out.  ;-)

lisagab26

I think about this A LOT!  May 1st will be the 2 year mark for us...I woke up this morning and thought, "Wow, 2 years ago exactly I started my last pack of pills, planning to get KU in May!"  How naive I was!!  I can't believe the road we've been down.  I definitely think about how strong I have been and how strong it has made me.  I never would have thought I would be able to get through something so agonizing and stressful.

I too feel like until this, overall I've had a pretty darn good life.  For that, I do feel fortunate, and it does help me put things in perspective sometimes - that everyone has their battles, and this is one (hopefully of FEW) that DH and I will have to fight and defeat.

I do have to say...approaching the 2 year mark definitely gives me anxiety...and makes me angry at times.  Praying that IVF#2 in a couple of weeks is it for us...and next month, is it for you and YH!! 

hootie123

If you had told me a year ago that I would have done 3 IUIs and 3 IVFs and still not even get pregnant once - I would have thought you were crazy.  If you had told me that we may not have biological children - I would have thought you were even crazier.

But that is my reality - its unreal when I think about it. 

rockpaperlove

Absolutely.  This last year especially has been the hardest...it feels like a nightmare I am desperate to wake up from, but I also feel like I have grown so much from this as I have had to so dig deep within to find all my inner strength to cope.  I dream of the day when this all becomes a distant memory because, IF...I won't miss you, but I will have grown stronger from you and for that I sort of thank you.  Sort of...

Mrs.McIrish

Yes, my life pretty much sucks these days and if I make a list of what has happened in the "almost" 2 yr span, I am surprised I get out of bed each day:

1) 5 IUI's

2) 3 IVFS

3) my 19 yr old cat died

4) DH was injured in a car accident at work and has been home on Workers Comp for 6 months (still home)

5) I am getting laid off at end of 2012 so we may sell our house and go back to DH's hometown. I am the primary breadwinner so this is very scary. I don't want to be poor:-(

6) complications from ER#3 that lead to a hematoma that had to clear up

7) hysteroscopy to remove polyp set fo 4/9

8) need to remove my ovaries as I am BRCA+ as soon as I give up TTC

 

I have nothing good to share with friends so I don't even want to go out anymore because I am such a debby downer...

AngnShaun

Yeah.  The quote "i didnt know how strong i could be until i didnt have a choice" is always on my mind...

At the sight of the spotting with my ectopic (before i knew it was ectopic) i kept telling myself i wasnt strong enough to handle a miscarriage... well here i am with 4 more after that.. and about to move onto IVF... im not really surprised anymore... im used to being the small percentage of people that just cant seem to get good news...

rockpaperlove

AngnShaun:

Yeah.  The quote "i didnt know how strong i could be until i didnt have a choice" is always on my mind...

This quote is sooo true.  Thanks for sharing it.

dimples128

rockpaperlove:

AngnShaun:

Yeah.  The quote "i didnt know how strong i could be until i didnt have a choice" is always on my mind...

This quote is sooo true.  Thanks for sharing it.

Love this.  This is exactly how I feel about IF.  I think about what we've been through and how I never imagined this would happen to me.  The one things I can say that has been good about IF is it has brought DH and I even closer together.  Our relationship is much stronger having gone through this.

4legsRbest

We got married in May of 2009 and began to TTC a few months later and I never thought in a million years I would be here. This has changed me fundamentally as a person, some things are better, some are worse, but I feel fortunate that I have these opportunities. I mourn my loss everyday but will not stop until we have a child and will do anything to get that. I know there will be more heartache to come and it is awful that we have had to endure so much already but I know I can take more it I have to.

Hugs to you! FX this upcoming cycle is the one for you!

daisyMaryGirl

I tell God all the time that He thinks I am a lot stronger than I truly am.  Unfortunately, he always wins the argument.

 

A few of the people in my life that know about my struggles tell me that I am the strongest person that they know.  

lisagab26

LauraBeth1401:

I don't think about how much I can withstand so much but I do think of how much closer DH and I have gotten through this process.  I've heard IF can make or break a marriage and I'm so thankful that ours is not anywhere near breaking.  Our faith has been truly tested and it's been the only thing that has gotten us through this whole thing.  I have to say IF is truly the hardest thing I've ever been through and I haven't been throug near what some other girls on here have been through.  But, I know that I can get through anything with DH and with God.

I think this daily and feel the same way 100%.  Our relationship has grown 100x stronger because of IF.  I am SO grateful we've gone down the "make" path rather than the "break" path. 

Roxie5739

rockpaperlove:

AngnShaun:

Yeah.  The quote "i didnt know how strong i could be until i didnt have a choice" is always on my mind...

This quote is sooo true.  Thanks for sharing it.

Ditto to this. I thought that I could plan life and do what I wanted when I wanted. I may have delayed starting a family for a year or two and will always live to regret that but I thought that having a family was just part of the passage of life, not a challange that I have no control over.

kellygksu

I also think about this a lot. My biggest fear heading into IVF was that I'd fall apart if it didn't work. It's still too early for us to know, so of course I'm hopeful that it did work for us, but I know that if it's not, I'll handle it and find a way to try again.

My biggest fear is that when I come out the other side of IF, either with a baby or the decision to live child free, I won't ever be the same fun, adventurous person that I once was. Like pp said, I hope I end up with more empathy and strength, not just anger and sadness. 

AngnShaun

kellygksu:

 

My biggest fear is that when I come out the other side of IF, either with a baby or the decision to live child free, I won't ever be the same fun, adventurous person that I once was. Like pp said, I hope I end up with more empathy and strength, not just anger and sadness. 

 

i feel the same way.  And i can already tell im not the same person i was before. 

glueck

I knew I was a tough lady, but I hoped my "being tough" days we behind me. I even look at the last week, as my body was full of infection, I had surgical consent papers in my hand, a temp of 103, a starting my period early from my failed ivf, that all I could think about was, I'm not done yet. Give me all you've got if you need me to prove it! I am sure the doctors thought I was a crazy, crazy infertile!

I think in the process, as heartbreak becomes common place in our souls, and we learn to take those sharp punches while pushing forward with all our might. We just keep our eyes sharply focused on the goal. Its not until we have a second to breathe that we look behind us to see all we have endured. It shocks us-takes us back a minute. In that minute we have time to grieve. Then we regroup and begin pushing forward again. That is, at least, my infertility journey. 

What i resent is that feeling that feeling that creeps in that I am being greedy for wanting this one thing so much.... that perhaps I am asking too much.  Then I say *** that, and I keep pushing ahead; trying not to look back too often. 

 

elizabeth0705

Yes, definitely! I frequently think this to myself. However, then I remind myself of friends and family members who have suffered through treatment for life-threatening illnesses, and how brave they are. No one wants to go through that or IF treatment, but it's just something you do when you are faced with the situation. At least the reward for IF is (hopefully) a baby at some point, whether that be through IVF or adoption!

Whales124

I think about this almost too often.  I've just felt so beat down this week and I want to stay strong but knowing it will be for an indefinite amount of time is so overwhelming.  I am inspired by the stories that I have read on this board, and appreciate everyone who lifts each other up all the time.  I have to keep pushing for the dream I want, but I agree, sometimes it makes me sad that it has had to be this hard.

kmc84

AngnShaun:

Yeah.  The quote "i didnt know how strong i could be until i didnt have a choice" is always on my mind...

 I love this! I feel like a large portion of my life I have had to be stronger than I thought possible When I was 14 and spent almost two years in crippling pain before any doctor could finally figure out what was wrong with me.  I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis and now take injections of immuno-suppressants for the rest of my life to control the inflammation and pain.  At 18 I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes the same week my parents announced they were getting divorced.  I am one month shy of TTC for 2 years.  I never thought we would have any trouble...hahaha.  In the middle of our first try of IVF in November my mom, who was my best friend, was diagnosed with breast cancer the day after my cycle was canceled.  I thought things were bad.  One week after her first chemo treatment I was in the hospital holding her hand while she passed away from a sudden and extremely rare reaction to the chemo.  Three weeks later on New Year's Day, her boyfriend of 8 years died unexpectedly....me and MH were his only 'family'.

 So yes, I feel like my life sh!ts me more than the required amount.  Somehow I keep going and I keep smiling.  I surprise myself at how optimistic a am; I really don't have too many angry, bitter moments.  I think my rock is my DH...we have been together since we were 15 so he has been through all of this with me.  He often comments on how he doesn't know how I keep putting myself through treatments.  He wants to be a father more than anything but it really bothers him watching me do all the injections and appointments.  While I think it sucks, I guess I want a baby bad enough to not care about it.  Sorry for the novel ladies