- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
June 2011 Moms
Sunidaze
member
wwyd in this situation
Sunidaze
member
So I've mentioned previously my non-relationship with my dad because he does not approve of my husband (no amount of educating will change this man's racist leanings). I've been doing some thinking, pondering, etc. What is going to happen should, God forbid, my mom go before dad. Now granted, Mom is several years younger than Dad and in overall much better health. But sometimes, things happen. Not so farfetched is my grandmother...she is 80 years old and honestly not in the best health (although much better than her twin brother who is in congestive heart failure). With my dad being the way he is, I'm afraid that should Mom go first, I won't even be welcomed at her funeral and I know my husband definitely wouldn't (only by Dad though...everyone else loves DH). The more likely scenario is going to be when my grandmother passes, are we not going to be welcome there so that my dad does not cause a scene (and trust me, given his behavior since DH and I got engaged, this is a very likely to happen situation). I mean, it is rather morbid to think about the death of my mom or grandmother, but given my situation, I think this is something we need to address before these things happen. But how? What would you do?
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: wwyd in this situation
would there be any hope in making peace with him now? maybe not long term but tell him that you know he has his feelings but you want to make sure that he knows you intend to honor your mother and grandmother and hope that he can respect that for 1 day?
Can you talk to your mother or grandmother about it and make sure that they express the wish for you to be at the funeral in their wills?
i can't even imagine how horrible this is for you.
Are you the one who's LO gets called a zebra for being mixed? Sorry if that sounded insensitive, I am just trying to remember.
I would still go no matter what. I haven't spoken to my father since Halloween because of his words and actions. If, G*d forbid, one of my other family members passed there is no way I would let him and his ignorance stop me from paying my final respects and saying goodbye. They are my family also and I love them just as much.
I think if he were to make a scene, the others there would be able to see the cause and who started it. I think that would make no one but him look bad.
I don't think this is worth being anxious and stewing about when there's not a present situation to deal with. (not that I think you're being silly at all, you're not! I just mean that I hate for you to have to be upset about something that you can't control and that is a hypothetical "what if" at this point)
If your grandmother passes, hopefully your mother will still be in the picture to play peacekeeper somewhat, and you can work out with her whether your husband will be attending the funeral.
There is no making peace with him. My dad is a very stubborn man and very set in his wayas. I thought my mom got through to him before Stella was born, but that was not the case. And it is pretty sad that a man in his late 60s can't be trusted to not make a scene at a funeral home, but that is what it has come to. Before we got married, the first time my mom was supposed to meet DH's Mom and additional family, my dad got wind of it and threatened to follow her and make a scene. Yes, I'm being serious. Yes, my dad is a retired cop. I know this is a conversation I need to have with my mom, but how do you even bring that up? "Um, Mom...so...when you die and if you die before a**hole...hwo is this going to go down?"
This. I dont know if I would be concerned about addressing it, I would just go. If he cant put his issues aside that is his problem. It sounds like the rest of your family is aware of his behavior and would not be surprised by it.
sadly? yes. i'd telll her it's been bothering you and you are really worried about it. maybe start off with your grandmother and then bring her up?
i'm so sad for your father. he's missing out on so much by holding on to hatred and anger.
I wouldn't stress about it, and bring yourself down. Death changes people sometimes...maybe when (God forbid) someone dies, maybe that will click something in your dads brain, and won't cause a scene.
You can't drive yourself nuts over the what ifs in life....
I would talk to your mom about this. Maybe just start by talking about that you are concerned about what is going to happen when your grandma dies, and perhaps gently steer the conversation to what happens if she dies first. I avoided my grandmother's funeral because I didn't want to deal with one of my uncles who is just plain a horrible person. I knew he would be an ass if I went (long story). I have regretted not going ever since.
I would hate to think that you would miss out on a chance to say goodbye to someone you love because someone can't act like an adult for a few hours. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this sort of behavior from your father. I can't imagine how hard that is.
I think you have to remember that if he does make a scene, that's going to reflect poorly on him, not on you. Of course you wouldn't want your grandmother's service to be affected by his ignorance, but as you said, everyone else in your family loves YH. I know this is really hard (and I'm guilty of doing something similar about a personal situation), but you have to try to not worry before there is something actually to worry about.
Good luck.