With all these MIL posts, is this just the way it is?!

katea81

So all these anti-MIL posts have gotten me thinking. My MIL has always been a difficult, not nice lady and these behaviors have just gotten worse with the birth of LO. But here's the thing- now that I have a son of my own, I can't help but think of myself as a MIL one day. If I was being honest, even if my MIL was an amazing woman, I still think I would trust my LO with my mom more than her. Maybe it's because I know my mom so well and we parent alike or just because she raised my brother and I. 

So, what is it? Is there just a natural tension that occurs between DIL's and MIL's? Now that I have a son I want to always have a good relationship with him and his future SO, and I have learned so much from my MIL about how NOT to treat a DIL. But, even if I am the nicest, MIL in the world, am I still doomed to a life of walking on eggshells? 

Lena122

I have a great relationship with my in laws. They're really nice and very generous. Sometimes it annoys me a little that they're so obsessed with DS but he's their first grandson so I can't really fault them that... especially when their obsession leads to free babysitting and an entire free wardrobe for DS. MIL even bought me maternity clothes because she was so excited. MIL accepts our parenting style and hasn't really questioned or contradicted anything we do.

 So no, I don't think you're doomed at all.

Shmogan09

I have thought about this so many times as well!  The difference between our moms and our mils is that we do not feel as comfortable being honest with them.  If my mom does something I don't like with my kids I just tell her, no bones about it.   If an MIL would just say listen, I know having a new baby is really hard so be totally honest with me.  If you need me to leave, I won't be offended.  If you don't like something I am doing PLEASE tell me, I won't be offended.  If there is something you want me to do, ask.   

I don't know if it is possible to feel as comfortable because, well, it's not our mom.  But I do think they could try harder to open the lines of communication and not get so offended at the slightest bit of criticism.  

liberty95

katea81:

So all these anti-MIL posts have gotten me thinking. My MIL has always been a difficult, not nice lady and these behaviors have just gotten worse with the birth of LO. But here's the thing- now that I have a son of my own, I can't help but think of myself as a MIL one day. If I was being honest, even if my MIL was an amazing woman, I still think I would trust my LO with my mom more than her. Maybe it's because I know my mom so well and we parent alike or just because she raised my brother and I. 

So, what is it? Is there just a natural tension that occurs between DIL's and MIL's? Now that I have a son I want to always have a good relationship with him and his future SO, and I have learned so much from my MIL about how NOT to treat a DIL. But, even if I am the nicest, MIL in the world, am I still doomed to a life of walking on eggshells? 

 

I was thinking the exact same thing today! I guess time will tell. But let's all be on our best behavior

JessieJH

 I think some relationships are fine.. we just tend to hear the vents on here. I adore my MIL. She's a strong woman who has really been a rock for her family. I know she likes me and in part it's because she was dissapointed by two of her four children's spouses. Still- she's respectful and kind to them which always impresses me. She and FIL lived with us for awhile when they were between moves and it was great- she cooked spa meals for us, did laundry- we were spoiled. DH was traveling a lot, so I liked hanging with his Dad while he was gone.

My dissapointment is that they don't like to leave home and now they live in another state. We're getting them up in the summer, but it's the first time they'll meet LO in person. In the meantime we video chat. Best thing about her is that she stays out of our business and doesn't give opinions until we ask for them.

jju_stb_jju

I always tell myself everyday if I do become a mil to my ds' so one day I won't treat her the way my mil treats me, she has been cruel, mean, disrespectful, and very rude to me from the beginning, fortunately we don't see her often as she lives three hours away. But I think it has to deal with the type of mil you have, my mom and my sister in law (my brothers dh)) have an incredible relationship, she calls her mom, is always so loving with her (hugging hello and goodbye), she has a great relationship with her and I think its because my mom understands her place,.doesn't try to interfere in their relationship, she never makes her opinions so loudly known, how my mom sees it is that yes my brother is her son but now hes married and if he ever wants her opinion on something he will ask her for it, she also understands that she should have a great relationship with not only my sister in law but my dh and my sisters dh as well because she sees them as being married not only to us but the family and always wants us to all be close and maintain great relationships. My mil on the other hand has never done anything other than belittle me in front of their family, try to tell me I'm always wrong, and the last straw came when she found out we were baptizing ds at my church and told my dh that she was going to pray to God to save us so we don't go to hell! I gave seen my friends have great relationships with their mils, so it can be done, it just depends on what type of mil you have.

katea81

Ainslie325:

I'm going to try to tread very lightly here because I know that there truly are some women with horrible MILs. I think it's important to know, though, that not everyone is a great DIL, either.  At the very least, many young women are predisposed to thinking that contentious relationships with MILs are unavoidable because that's the way the relationship is most commonly presented (in popular culture, media, here online, etc.).

Because of this, I feel as though DILs are more inclined to interpret as criticism every casual comment her MIL makes even when that's not MIL's intent.  I know I'm sensitive to my MIL's comments.  If she tells me how she did something as a parent in 1980, I have to fight the urge to interpret it as "I did it this way, so you  should, too." If my own mom were to make the same comment, though, I'd be more likely to take it at face value. 

The other key difference is that most of us, through years of living with (surviving?) our own mothers, have developed the ability to tell them to put a sock in it when we don't like what they have to say (or when they're being ridiculous, as mine often is). We know that our mothers love us in spite of themselves, so we feel free to be honest.  There's no unconditional "I birthed you" love coming from MILs, though, and for this reason we're more inclined to hold our tongues if something they say or do frustrates us.  We don't want to threaten the peace and risk making future gatherings uncomfortable.  When one consistently holds her tongue, she can get a little resentful.  In my opinion, it's this inability to "say what you feel" that began the rift between MILs and DILs.  Society has just played upon and perpetuated it, conflating the divide into something larger than it is.

 

 

Yes. You are absolutely right. I try to keep my mouth shut to 'keep the peace' all the time. I know my MIL is a jerk. Everyone who knows her thinks it's true, but I still can't help thinking that sometimes I still take things too personally. I am learning a lot through this relationship.  

Mar5195

My ILs are pretty good.  My FIL doesn't have a sensor button and says EVERYTHING he is thinking.  But over the years I've learned to tune him out.  It isn't easy but the rest of the family does so I kinda had to or I'd go crazy. 

They love my son so much.  It stuns me how obsessed they are.   But I love it because I think my boy is pretty flipping awesome too.  And they have never been overly generous with their money (they are very well off).  But now that my son is here it's insane.  I have to tell them to relax and save some $$ for college.  They buy him too much! 

My Mom had a terrible MIL (my grandma) and I always am grateful I don't have a MIL like my Grandma.  My Mom did alot of her and she still treated my Mom so poorly.  

 

DBride2006

I'm pretty lucky in the MIL department. She is always willing to take DSs and only gives solicited advice. We live 20 minutes from her house and she's only been to our house like 10 times in 6 years, so no boundary issues. We see her at least once a week and DS loves her tons. She DOES spoil him in her own ways, but that's what grandparents are for, right?  

Jen0204

Ainslie325:

I'm going to try to tread very lightly here because I know that there truly are some women with horrible MILs. I think it's important to know, though, that not everyone is a great DIL, either.  At the very least, many young women are predisposed to thinking that contentious relationships with MILs are unavoidable because that's the way the relationship is most commonly presented (in popular culture, media, here online, etc.).

Because of this, I feel as though a DIL is more inclined to interpret as criticism every casual comment her MIL makes even when criticism isn't MIL's intent.  I know I'm sensitive to my MIL's comments (and she's a wonderful woman-- we get along great).  If she tells me how she did something as a parent in 1980, I have to fight the urge to interpret it as "I did it this way, so you should, too." If my own mom were to make the same comment, though, I'd be more likely to take it at face value. 

The other key difference is that most of us, through years of living with (surviving?) our own mothers, have developed the ability to tell them to put a sock in it when we don't like what they have to say (or when they're being ridiculous, as mine often is). We know that our mothers love us in spite of themselves, so we feel free to be honest.  There's no unconditional "I birthed you" love coming from MILs, though, and for this reason we're more inclined to hold our tongues if something they say or do frustrates us.  We don't want to threaten the peace and risk making future gatherings uncomfortable.  When one consistently holds her tongue, she can get a little resentful.  In my opinion, it's this inability to "say what you feel" that began the rift between MILs and DILs.  Society has just played upon and perpetuated it, conflating the divide into something larger than it is.

I 100% agree with this. We've all grown up with our moms and know how to deal with their little annoying habits. So when people complain about their MIL's and say that their H's accept the behavior because that's just the way she is, well, I'd venture to guess that we all just accept certain things from our moms because we're used to it. And we feel such a connection with our moms that the little stuff doesn't bug us, whereas we don't have that with our MIL's. I have adopted an attitude of if it doesn't hurt my girls physically or emotionally or blatantly go against our parenting beliefs then my MIL can do what she wants. If I get annoyed I also ask myself if I would be annoyed if it were my mom who had done whatever it was. Between those two things I see things in a different light and let a lot go. I also count my blessings that even though MIL and I are like night and day, my babies are so, so lucky to have two sets of grandparents who love them to pieces.

Also, a crazy MIL also makes for some great stories. Mine told me the other day that I'm supposed to be squeezing the milk out of my baby's breasts. Yes, you read that right (and neo-natal milk is a real thing in a small percentage of babies - I immediately googled it - but you're not supposed to express it). She's always good for some laughs! 

pinkshades05

I think the pp who mentioned that the daughter-in-law also shares some responsibility (in some cases, not all) is true. I know that in my relationship with my MIL, it's very distant. Not only are we divided by physical distances (she lives across the country), but we are opposite personalities. She's not a bad person at all, but she does annoy me to no end because she comes from a different family culture than my family. So while we don't have a great relationship, it's not entirely her fault. We are just two different people.

I do envy the girls who get along great with their MIL's, who consider their MILs like a second mom. With the differences in my relationship, we are very far from having this kind of relationship. Maybe one day!

cnbean

There is hope! I absolutely love my in laws. They are wonderful people and I feel blessed to have them. They have always treated me like their own kid. 
In fact they spoil me way more than my own parents. Since the birth of our son they have been even more  wonderful. My MIL is always happy to come watch him so we can go out and get a break. So it IS possible to have/be a good MIL. I suspect that a lot of the time this relationship is sabotaged early cause mom has an idea of what she wants from a DIL, and the reality isn't the same. 

cheese.fiend

Ainslie325:

I'm going to try to tread very lightly here because I know that there truly are some women with horrible MILs. I think it's important to know, though, that not everyone is a great DIL, either.  At the very least, many young women are predisposed to thinking that contentious relationships with MILs are unavoidable because that's the way the relationship is most commonly presented (in popular culture, media, here online, etc.).

Because of this, I feel as though a DIL is more inclined to interpret as criticism every casual comment her MIL makes even when criticism isn't MIL's intent.  I know I'm sensitive to my MIL's comments (and she's a wonderful woman-- we get along great).  If she tells me how she did something as a parent in 1980, I have to fight the urge to interpret it as "I did it this way, so you should, too." If my own mom were to make the same comment, though, I'd be more likely to take it at face value. 

The other key difference is that most of us, through years of living with (surviving?) our own mothers, have developed the ability to tell them to put a sock in it when we don't like what they have to say (or when they're being ridiculous, as mine often is). We know that our mothers love us in spite of themselves, so we feel free to be honest.  There's no unconditional "I birthed you" love coming from MILs, though, and for this reason we're more inclined to hold our tongues if something they say or do frustrates us.  We don't want to threaten the peace and risk making future gatherings uncomfortable.  When one consistently holds her tongue, she can get a little resentful.  In my opinion, it's this inability to "say what you feel" that began the rift between MILs and DILs.  Society has just played upon and perpetuated it, conflating the divide into something larger than it is.

 

I agree with this.  And I think we are all going to be naturally more comfortable with our own families... I've come to realize EVERYONE has bizarre family members, but we accept them easily (or easier) when they are our own blood.

My H has another theory as well about the complexities of the MIL / DIL relationship (or maybe just my MIL / DIL relationship, but I can see this situation ringing true with a lot of my friends and their MILs as well)... This is a generalization but, women naturally tend to be more social / talkative than men.  I am 100% content to tell the exact same story to my mom, my husband, my colleagues, and 10 friends.  My husband really only needs one person to confide in, bounce ideas off of, chat, etc. Before I came along (other girlfriends too), he talked with his mother a lot more.  Now he mostly talks to me... he doesn't "need" her in that way anymore.  I think that continues to be a sore spot for her, and her hurt feelings can bleed over into our relationship.