How do I go about this?
My husband and I watch a womans two children on a regular basis at least every weekend if not more. The mother and the two fathers are not exactly the best at showing good examples to the children. The live with their mother and occasionally see their individual fathers. Their mother drinks, smokes, and does marijuana. She also has a habit of bringing home men to sleep with. We don't want the children getting lost in the CPS system and a lawyer to get custody of them will cost $200/per hour/per child, which we cannot afford.
We can't have children and love these two very much, we do our best to show good, healthy, examples.
The oldest, a boy age 9, recently asked my husband about a sex toy he found in his mom's room, and mentioned a cousin at his dad's house showed him porn. What are your suggestions on how to respond? Also, his sister is 6, when should I talk to her about things. I worry about what choices they may make when they are older, I also worry about their current safety. Any suggestions?
Hopefully this is clear enough.
Re: How do I go about this?
If you are concerned for a child's safety, you call CPS. They'll figure out if the children are in danger and what needs to be done. I think you can ask them to keep it anonymous and see if they'll accept an offer to become foster parents if the children need it. I doubt that issues like this will cause the mom to lose custody but hopefully cps will be able to find resources for her.
Sorry for the double post internet didn't want to work very well the first time around. . .
The thing is we don't want the children getting lost in the system, we could get custody but the lawyer is expensive. The list of other concerns is extensive, large things and small things that I don't want to get into at the moment.
My question in the post is what is the best way for my husband and I to respond to the older childs' questions. The other question is how do I talk to the daughter about protecting herself in some way, just in case a new man of mom's isn't too great.
I really don't think they will even get into the system with those kinds of issues. Call CPS if you think a child is in danger -- it is their job to figure out what (if anything) needs to be done.
If a child that isn't mine asked me questions, I'd refer them to their mother and I'd ask her how'd she would like me to handle similar issues in the future.
Ditto this. Irresponsible parenting or not, it's not your place to answer some of these questions. If you are very concerned about their environment, contact CPS.
Normally refering them to their parents is what I would do, however I don't know the fathers very well, and their mother is notorious for bringing home different men overnight that she has only known a week or so. How do you explain to a 9 year old boy about a dildo he finds in her room, noises he hears from her room at night, etc. And how do I show both children that you can have a healthy relationship between two adults over a long period of time, that they love each other, etc. I also don't want one of mom's boyfriends coming into her daughters room at night. I was molested by my mom's boyfriend when I was younger and the man can be very convincing when it comes to staying quiet about it. I don't want her to go through it, just in case.
I'm sure your heart is in the right place but there's not a lot you can do. You can model a healthy relationship and hope. You can let the kids know that you're always there for them and that they can trust you. You can call the proper authorities if you feel the children are in danger. You can talk to their mother about the concerns they've brought to you. That's really about all you can do.
1. To the boy: "Honey, that's realy something you should ask your parents about."
2. To the boy's mom: "Little Johnny told me he found something in your room. You might want to talk to him about it."
3. If you really think there is a risk of the daughter being molested YOU NEED TO CALL CPS.
How are you connected to this family? If there is any blood relationship, you could be eligible for custody.
I agree with the previous posters that a call to CPS is warranted as it sounds like the children are in a potentially dangerous situation for a vast majority of the time. Are you a licensed child care provider? If you are, then you know that you are a mandated reporter. While I would also hope that they would not get lost in the system, it sounds like it might very well be safer than their current situation.
As for what to tell the kids, if you are not willing to help them get out of an unsafe environment, I would suggest telling them to talk to a teacher or trusted adult, and hopefully that person would make the appropriate calls to CPS. I am sorry if this seems harsh, but something in your post doesn't sit right with me. I am not sure if it you, or the story you are sharing.
I used to work with their mother and when I quit that job, I started watching them. I am hesitant to call CPS because I know of a couple people who have gone to foster homes and they ended up in their teens violent, involved with drugs, and trouble with the law. This is the last thing I would want for the kids. We did have a lawyer tell us we have enough proof and enough of a case to get custody of the kids, however the fees were exhorbitant. We are in limbo, tempted greatly to save up for the cost. I know not all foster families are bad- not by any means but, once they leave her house, being that we are not direct relatives, we will have no way of knowing if their situation is better or if they just jumped from the frying pan into the fire.
What is it that doesn't sit right? And no, you don't seem harsh, I understand where you are coming from.
It just seems like there is probably a lot more to the story (which I understand you can't or don't want to give all the nitty gritty details on a public message board). If you have gone to the lengths of researching legal costs, you know in your heart they are not in a good place. If that is the case, you need to seek other alternatives to help the family. Maybe that is watching the kids more, maybe that is getting CPS involved, maybe it is reaching out to other concerned family members or interested parties (church or other supports like the Y or Big Brothers/Big Sisters). I just don't think the primary concern here should be how to have a sex talk with someone else's 9 & 6 yo. I do respect your concern for them but it seems like an odd area to start with.
You can actually contact CPS anonymously to ask for resources for families in need. Is the mother interested at all in getting her act together? CPS honestly would probably mandate that she seek addiction counseling long before they would go to termination of parental rights.
There is alot more to the story, their mother is the type that their value to her=monthly child support. There, however has been no starving of the kids or beating them, nothing quite that extreme.
The reason I started with the sex talk question is DH and I are trying to spend as much time as possible with them and provide as much good influence as possible. Plus, 9 yo. happened to ask that question last night, which was a bit of a shocker we weren't quite expecting it so early and it got me into a whole line of thinking. We will most likely be resuming our efforts to gain custody soon.
I think it's ok to talk to the daughter about what to do if someone touches her in a way that makes her uncomfortable (tell an adult..teacher, you, etc.) and as an entrusted caregiver, I actually think its a responsibility, especially with all the concerns. FWIW, I worked at CPS for 3 years and saw risk factors like these all.the.time.
I would definitely put in an anonymous referral to CPS. They will check in on the drug use, make sure the kids are being properly cared for at home, etc. they won't get lost in the system. Even if the kids had to be removed from the home, the parents get to say where they want their kids to go (family or friends) as long as they are appropriate.
Talk to the kids about safety, make the referral, and that's all you can do. But its much better than living with the guilt you would probably feel if something did happen one day and you hadn't talked to them.