Becoming a Foster/Adoptive parent, can we have a baby shower? — The Bump

Becoming a Foster/Adoptive parent, can we have a baby shower?

My fiance and I are taking foster parenting classes so that by the time we are married we will have finished the process and can start a family.  We both come from complicated backgrounds and are choosing not to have our own kids.  We are new parents and have nothing to furnish a child.  We put in for 0-5 years.  I've asked a few friends, but as foster/adoptive parents, is it wrong to have a baby shower?


Re: Becoming a Foster/Adoptive parent, can we have a baby shower?

  • No it is not wrong!  If someone offers, you can definitely say yes.  However a shower is thrown for you, so it is tacky IMO to ask for one. 

    TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
    SA February 2011: Normal
    RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI

    Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption

    Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
    Court trip October 2012
    Home November 24 2012!

    Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues: 

    Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count 
    Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???

    Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013

    Adding a Burden
  • YonkoYonko member
    We are trying to get the more expensive things ourself but we just need SO much stuff. 0-5 is a wide range.  We already know we need a convertable crib and everything in between.  I just don't know where to start!!!
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  • I have an in-home daycare for kids 3 months - 4 years old so I know how overwheming it can be to get all that stuff!  It might help to put it on facebook that you are looking for these items so if your friends are getting rid of them, they can pass them on your way.  Here's what I have/need as a place to start: 

     - pack 'n play and sheets (you might just want to get one of these w/ a bassinet option until you know for sure what age the child is.  Then you can get a crib if you need it.)

     - I use twin or full size beds with a child safety rail for kids who are out of the crib.  Works great. Much cheaper than a toddler bed (if you already have the bed).

    - vibrating baby seat

    - exersaucer and baby swing (these can also wait to purchase last minute unless you find a good deal. The time frame for these is short, babies only use each for a few months)

    - high chair.  (if you get the kind that attaches to a chair you can use it starting around 10 months all the way through age 4 when they stop using a booster seat)

    - stroller

    - toys, crafts, and books.  Craigslist and Mom2Mom sales are your friend! 

    -  feeding items: bowls, plates, cutlery, bottles, wash clothes, etc

    - baby monitor 

     - diapers, diaper pail (I have a step trash can with a lid and it works great) bath stuff, and clothes

    - and of course, baby gates etc to childproof house 

     Honestly those are the essentials in my opinion.  Things like wipe warmers and bumbos are all extras that you can get but don't NEED. Hope that helps a bit!

    TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
    SA February 2011: Normal
    RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI

    Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption

    Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
    Court trip October 2012
    Home November 24 2012!

    Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues: 

    Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count 
    Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???

    Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013

    Adding a Burden
  • We just became foster parents for the first time (today!) but several weeks ago, my BFF threw us a shower.  It was wonderful!
    Foster parents turned adoptive parents :)
    Adoptive daughter born 08/07/13... growing so fast
    BM due again end of March 2015 so any day!
    Bloggy blog
  • YonkoYonko member
    Thank you so much, that list was great!  I have a forum open to I think new moms as well.... Its kind of disheartening that people don't think I necessarily deserve a baby shower.  In my specific county, 80% of children in foster care end up adopted.  Thats a huge number.  And while our goal is to get the child home to their birth parent... I want the child to know that they are welcome here forever too.  I don't mind used items especially because cheap or free is awesome, but I do want my room to look and feel inviting.
  • YonkoYonko member
    That is so exciting.  What age did you receive?
  • If you have a friend that wants to throw a shower, enjoy it :) 
    image Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
  • The girls in my bible study threw me a shower, but I didn't ask them to.  We are 0-8, and yes it is overwhelming to think of everything you need.  However, we went into it expecting that we would be purchasing everything ourselves. 


    TTC since November 2009.

    Currently licensed foster parents with the hope of adopting!  Also pursuing pregnancy through IUI!  First IUI scheduled 10/3/13

    Currently loving our placements:

    A 1/08

    C 4/11

    K 6/12

  • We are becoming foster parents (open to 0-4) and we have had two baby showers.  There is at least one more in the works after we get our first placement.

    I agree with PP's that you should definitely enjoy the shower if people offer to throw them.  But I don't think you should ask for a shower.

  • emd412emd412
    Fifth Anniversary Photogenic First Comment
    I kneo w this post is old but it still comes up when you search so I needed to comment. Me and my husband are doing the classes now as well and its kinda sad to read that people are saying to wait till u have a placement that will stay. If your friend opening your home to children of different ages why not throw them a party for it and give them anything in the age group they have that they would need? Most kids come into care with nothing at all.
  • That is so exciting, I think
  • fernanefernane
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    My advice would be to get the bigger, more immediate things first (beds, car seats, etc) and instead of trying to get clothes and toys for every age 0-5, wait until you get a placement and go from there. That will make it a lot less overwhelming, and if you get an older child, I'm sure they would enjoy picking out things that fit their own interests. We thrift for nearly everything, and find a lot of great deals on everything from kids clothes to furniture, etc. Also, I don't know the normal practices for yr state, but I am in TX, and my foster son's county gave us $100 soon after placement to help out with immediate needs. We just got another $100 from them to help out with spring/summer clothes. I know not even all counties here do that, but yours may. I would also get to know people in your training classes, because that's how we found out about several foster/adopt support groups and ministries in our area. One of them has a "closet" that has everything like clothes, toys, diapers, formulas, car seats, and more, and runs strictly off donations. We can go there whenever we need something for a new or current placement. They have some bigger furniture items that go on loan for 6 months. You may have a similar type group in your area. It has been a tremendous help to us!
  • ejrobbiejrobbi
    Seventh Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    This is so funny, we too are going to foster/adopt and we are open to 0 to 4 either gender, that's a lot to get... Our friends asked us if we wanted a shower and I said yes! Heck yes!  I refuse to live under the taboo that only birth mommas get to have showers, every child should be celebrated and friends and family coming together to do that is always fine in my book.  :)
    Siggy Warning... loss mentioned

    Married since March 2008 -- Me- 31    DH - 30  Trying to grow our family since 2009... Diagnosed Unexplained Infertility 

    Started seeing RE Aug 2013

    Cycle #1  – IUI #1  10.31.13 - BFN

    Cycle #2 - IUI #2 cancelled – FAIL

    Cycle #3 - IUI #2 12.27.13  BFN

    Cycle #4 -  IUI #3 1.24.14  BFN

    Cycle #5 - IVF #1 with ICSI(2 3bb blasts) 3.19.14, no frosties.. BFN

    Surprise BFP on 6.10.14 ... Miscarried 7.7.14 

    Walked away from Fertility Treatments and began to look into our Foster/Adopt License in April 2014.

    Our Journey Blog...

  • I had a shower when I adopted my son. I would say if you are stictly fostering many people would frown on a shower but if you are fostering with the intent to adopt I would say yes. I think that a shower is a celebration and it's great to celebrate adoption
  • It is my personal opinion that YES you deserve a shower. You are becoming a Mom & Dad... that's what a shower is all about! (As my husband said... it's not like we're asking for diapers and wipes for us!) 

    I had the firm feeling that I wanted a shower prior to getting a match (we are DIA). I talked with my bestest friend in the entire world about my feelings to see what she had to say. She has 3 kiddos all biological. And she jumped up and down and asked if she could throw us our shower. She was just scared to ask because she didn't know what our feelings were or what the proper protocol is. 

    I really think if you start talking about it candidly (do not ask for someone to throw your shower) people are going to realize that you  are becoming a mom and that a shower should be thrown in your honor along with the children you're bringing into your home. 

    Starting a family through adoption or foster care doesn't mean that you aren't worthy of everything a pregnant person would typically get. You deserve all the benefits of becoming a first time mom! 

    Sorry this was so long - it's just been something that has been on my mind lately and something that I certainly have to be talking to our family about. 
    Began the Adoption process 4/2013
    Home study Approved 12/2013
    .... and the wait begins! 

  • str8otastr8ota
    Long-Lasting Membership 5000 Comments Photogenic 5 Love Its
    I think there's nothing wrong with a shower, but since you won't know the age until the child comes to you, if someone offers to do a shower maybe instead suggest having a special welcoming party for the child, that way your family & friends can meet your new child and you will receive more age appropriate gifts.

    You can also create a private registry now that has items for ages 0-5 and then when you find out the age, you can quickly tweak it and take off the items you won't need. GL!

  • I think a shower would be lovely. I am not sure anyone "deserves" a shower though. It's wonderful if it is offered (no matter how you complete your family).

    Even pregnant ladies aren't entitled to a baby shower any more than someone who fosters or adopts.

    Providing materials to raise a family should be the family's job. If anyone needs items then that is not really the function of a shower IMHO. Anything from a shower is a bonus & a blessing, but it's unwise to rely on a shower to supply you with anything.

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  • I don't think it's wrong at all and if someone offers to throw you one then go for it!

    We personally did not feel comfortable doing so because we were concerned about what if a match fell through and our first one actually did. We bought everything ourselves and it was expensive but we did it a little at a time and shopped great sales and clearance because we had the time while waiting.
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