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Blended Families
twinkl5379
member
Part II
twinkl5379
member
I wanted to follow up on the last 3 posts from you ladies that have always been kind and have offered me input, but it was so long I?m starting a new thread.
FROM J&A
?To simplify even further: You are an adult, twink. YOU should at least know how you feel about your stepkids without someone having to tell you how you feel, and you should also know what you want your relationship to be with them without someone telling you what that is.
Take the reins in your own life. If you want to hug your step kids, hug them. If you want to find another way to show them you care for them, do it. Stop acting like you are a mere puppet of your H and be your own person.?
MY RESPONSE: J&A - you're right, if I wanted to hug them, I should have. I get that. But the thing is... I didn?t want to hug them b/c I wasn?t close to them and it didn?t feel natural. But on the other hand, if it would?ve been encouraged, would that have made things better? Who knows. That?s the weird thing about b-families.
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Re: Part II
from felles ferrie:
I don't understand how you can have a great relationship (except for the kids), have a shared vision of the future (but be unsure about the kids), and think your husband is a great husband/father. That's like the old "so how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?" joke, kwim? Even if the kids are not a part of your daily life, they still play a HUGE role, and will continue to do so for the rest of your husband's life.
We've all gone around and around on this before, but I really hope that you all find some resolution here with your stepkids before bringing a baby into your home.
My response: We do have a great relationship b/c so many other things are great. His kids are only one aspect of our lives, and it really doesn't feel like they play a HUGE role. Perhaps this would be difficult if they were with us as primary custodials, but we have limited visitation.
I assume this is not unlike situations in other people's lives...there will always be something that's more difficult. Even if it were a bio-family....my dad and brother NEVER seemed to get along and they still don't.
Thanks for the suggestions. I do take them to heart.
Twink, affection isn't wierd. When moving into another persons personal space you have to be situationally aware. Do you run up and hug your husband in the middle of an argument? Probably not. As a mom, blended family or not, even your bio-kids will distance themselves from you because they are mad, sad, moody, whatever. It is your job to know when to take advantage of your opportunities to get inside their minds and hearts. As a parent, you take the risk to love and lose, get rejected, feel taken advantage of, and hurt.
All that anyone was trying to tell you was to put on your big girl panties. Take a risk and be the adult. Know when you don't get the reaction you hoped for that they are children. They have loyalty issues, influences and reactions far less mature than you. If you feel awkward, imagine how they feel. Even if your do your very best, it will take time. You will have successes and failures. You can't be close to someone if you abandon ship before you even get to the starting/trying line in your own mind, especially children. Let alone encouragement from your H or anyone else.
I know some of the advice on this board can seem harsh at times. I don't think the ladies would come across so strongly if they didn't genuinely care. Please listen.
Ditto pps. And, this is definitely a "fake it till you make it" challenge in some respects. Think of others in your H's life you have to make a relationship with: siblings, parents, co-workers. Meeting them and becoming part of their circle may not feel natural at first either, but you have to make the effort to get to know them and forge the relationships. With your stepchildren, all your efforts have to be quadrupled since they are children.
Twink does it seem weird to you that EVERYBODY here has some sort of relationship with their skids except you???
We all have one thing in common - we put in the effort to forge those relationships.
It seems to me the you have no interest in having a relationship with those kids. You point blank refuse to put in any effort with them.
You are far more interested in being right and feeling justified than changing your circumstances.
Not once have you taken our advice, FROM OUR EXPERIENCE, and applied it to your situation.
I predict you will be 10 years married and your situation will be worse not better. What will you do when the kids are old enough to drop by. Lock yourself in a room feeling 'outside'.
One day you are going to look back and think 'if only'.
If only I had taken the advice and TRIED.
In my opinion Blended Families are what you make of them. Sometimes we aren't successful in the Norman Rockwell vision we start with, but we change and adjust and move forward. We make them the best we can with the circumstances we are in.
Move forward, don't tread water. Listen and TRY doing something different. Obviously what you are doing now is not working, so what would it hurt to TRY what some of these ladies are suggesting. You are not alone in the world. You have resources to call upon. This board has been invaluable to me over the years. Know you can take part in your own future and the future of your family. Take an active role and get out of your comfort zone.
Be ALL IN or get out, anything less is a waste of your life and is not fair to you or your family.
I hope things get better for you and your family.
The Family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting each other's desserts,hiding shampoo,borrowing money,locking each other out of our rooms,inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. Erma Bombeck
If the kids don't play a huge role, then what kind of dad is he? I'm a SAHM, so my kids are literally my life (yeah, I don't let it define me. But when I spend my whole day with them, it can be hard to compartmentalize.) And I get that things are different for a NCP. But having kids changes your life, and those kids are never far from your heart or your mind. You worry for them, you dream for them, you try to come up with things they enjoy, you try to figure out how to teach them, discipline them.. I mean the list is neverending. And when the parent/child relationship is broken, how can that not weigh on a person? It weighs on you, and you are less involved than he.
Here is my suggestion for you--
Next time the kids are there, ask YH if you can participate in bedtime routines. Does he read to them or with them at night? If he doesn't, he should. Anyway, you read with them. Then when you're done, tuck them in a bit and ask if you can give them a hug goodnight. If they say yes, great! If they say no, then make some small physical contact, smile, and (ruffle his hair, squeeze his hand, etc) and say goodnight. Then have their dad come in and say goodnight.
The fact that you don't see your skids as a big part of your life is sad to me. Maybe you don't see them very often (I can't remember if you've laid out the schedule or not), but I bet they're a HUGE part of your DH's life! How must he feel to know that the woman he loves and is married to doesn't see his kids as important. How old are the kids? You are the adult and need to be the one stepping forward and making an effort! Kids aren't attracted to someone they can sense doesn't like them (who is!?)! Have DH give you some ideas on how to reach out to them. Just know it's not going to be easy, especially as the kids get older!
My family was never very huggy growing up and I'm a pretty subdued person. So DH has to remind me once in a while to show more excitement or get a little more physical with our kids (my skids). Even if I'm in a bad mood and don't want to hear about their day at school, I fake it (c'mon, I'm sure every parent feels that way even with their DC's!). Yes, it sucks that I have to go out of my comfort zone once in a while, but it's VERY worth having a good relationship with them! I'm never going to be as goofy and carefree (and more of a friend than a mom) as their mom is, but they know they can come to me with anything and I'll love them no matter what. And that is what they need. The focus needs to be on them, not you. Sorry.
I have better advice fells, age should leave now before she screws up those kids even more or procreates with a man that thinks it is ok to expose his kids to a woman that wants no relationship with existing kids and thinks things are still great.
Here is your problem right here. My SD`s a huge part of our life because she is one of our kids. We miss her when she is gone, love having her here and try as hard as we can to plan any life events, holidays and fun things with her in mind. We do this because we don`t want her to miss out and we don`t want to do these things without her. Our family is not complete without SD. Your DH`s kids should not be "only one aspect of our lives," they should be one of the most important aspects of your life. With all these issues between you and your SKs, I can not for the life of me understand why you or you DH would try to add another child. You need to sort out your issues with the kids you have now. I just kinda feel that you don`t really want things to get better and wish that it could just be the two of you and a DC of your own.
I am an oldie and many oldies on here can attest, that my relationship with my SS wasn't a great one. FOR YEARS.
However, from the beginning I tried to be part of his life. Even if I didn't "feel" the love for my SS - I still tried to show affection and tell him I loved him. Why? Because he's a child, he is the child of my DH. To show involvement is to show you care. The kids aren't stupid - they KNOW you don't care about them. Now you're passing it on your DH and say he didn't include you. Please you were an active participant in the relationship with your DH - yet you're excusing the fact that you really didn't interact. I read this entire thread and I kept rolling my eyes at you. Again, I truly know it's not easy but you went along for the ride and now you're upset that they don't care about you.
You're the poster child of women who should RUN away from a blended family situation before getting involved.
Uh...no...
First: The kids SHOULD be a HUGE part of your DH's life, whether he has primary physical custody or not. They are his children. I for one would not want to be with a man who did not feel his children were a major part of his life.
Second: You assume wrong. 90% of the people on this board MAKE AN EFFORT to have some sort of relationship with their stepchildren. And yes, many families encounter conflictual relationships, but the difference is that they TRY to work things through and don't WANT the conflict. You seem to want to shut your skids out.
And Third, no, you don't take our advice to heart....that's the problem!
No...that's the thing. This is NOT a b-families thing, this is a Twink thing. When I first met my skids it was akward to show affection to them...so I didn't. I let it build up naturally on it's own. No one had to tell me when, where, how, etc. I just spent time with them and enjoyed being around them, and eventually our relationship warmed, and I got to the point where hugging them DID feel natural.
If you have gone 4 years without so much as a connection with these children, I find that sad.
This, I didn't chime in on the OP, but if I was married to someone who stepped back and didn't show my children affection or and effort to be a part of their lives, then I would have to reconsider my relationship. This isn't okay with me. My DH is very much a father figure to DS, even though he is not his birth father...just as you are or should be a mother figure. Let your wall down, put your big girl panties on and show some initiative & stop making excuses. A family it what you make of it. This ladies have given you great advice, take it, don't find reasons not to.
For some reason, I'm being blamed for never trying, and that is simply not true. Sometimes the relationship with them is just fine. Sometimes it's not.
I got a new dancing game for the Wii, and I play it with them, just me, without my husband. The two kids and I dance in the basement with the Wii game. That's pretty silly and a way to build a relationship. I DID THIS ON MY OWN.
Two weekends ago I was outside with one of them, just SS and I. I do things with them. These are recent things that I have done, so please stop saying that I don't try.
What I am saying is that even though I do try and I have tried, it's still not a great relationship. It's still awkward. Why am I so wrong for that? I'm just being honest.
As for the kids not being a huge part of my H and my life, I should not have spoken for him. He would probably say they are a huge part of his life. But I am speaking for myself when I say they're not a huge part. Sorry, but they're not.
That doesn't mean I don't like them or they're not important, they're just not a huge part of my life. There are a lot of other things that I deal with on a much more frequent basis. And I am 100% certain that if they were my bio-kids, I would say they are my life and a very huge part of it. My bio-children would require my attention all the time. But my s-kids are not my bio-children, and I am not responsible for them....except for assisting my H with them a handful of days a month. But again, I do not hold primary responsibility for them. I have no legal guardianship rights to them.
Oh, another thing I did recently was review SS's school book with his work, homework, etc. and asked him questions about it.
If I didn't try, would I have taken the time to do that? Another suggested that I go with them to read books at night/tuck them in for bed.
I used to do this regularly, and THEY would ask for ME to read the book. I used to be the one that read to them. But then after that my H would give them a hug, and I would watch. If I was the parent, I would' ve told them to hug my H. But I was left out of that, so I stopped particpating as often b/c it hurt to not be a part of that. A friend of mine is a Stepmom, and she said that the bed time situation was a very awkard situation for her too. Like me, she didn't bust in and hug them when they hadn't reached that level; she just stopped being part of the bedtime routine. So this doesn't make me a bad person; it makes me human b/c I have feelings.
Some say that I should've jumped in and hugged them, BUT THAT'S NOT MY PERSONALITY. It doesn't mean I didn't try...it means that's just not me. I would've felt more comfortable with my H encouraging this level of interaction. He has an obligation to encourage a relationship between us as well.
And I'm not faulting him...I'm just saying, and he agrees, that he should've encouraged that. But he didn't know any different, and it's just not my personality.
Is this not trying?
I'm not a huggy kind of person either. I am only with DD. Everyone else, not so much and only a select few and DH. So I totally get why you didn't do that, and why your DH may not have encouraged it if he's cut from a similar, tough, non-demonstrative. too dang busy to stop for the comfort and love stuff, farm family background I came from. But at the same time, if you're not that kind of a person, I'm not so sure it should bug you so much to feel on the outside looking in.
Granted, yes, it would be nice if your DH encouraged it. I know having an autistic stepchild adds to the awkwardness, and you may not be sure what is okay and not okay. I know I'd feel pretty awkward at first, but there comes a time where you just have to say, "Okay DH. I feel weird here. I feel like we're at a point in our relationship where my relationship with my Step children needs to develop. Don't you? What's okay? What's not okay? Where do we take it from here?" Unfortunately, you are way past that.
So it shouldn't be a matter of looking at what's wrong, but how do you move on from here. If affection is what you truly want from them, and want to give, then you need to learn how to do that yourself and not wait for invitations.
I wish you luck from this. As always, I believe half the battle is admitting there is a problem and being able to vocalize things, even if it is unpopular. You got a little beat up here, and maybe you need to hear the harsh reality of other opinions to motivate you. Either way, I hope things work out better for you in this department.