PPD & pregnant again

nmvaladanzouj

I have bipolar disorder and PTSD, among other things, and I was depressed the entire time that I was pregnant with my son Emrys. I was fine while in labor with him, but it ended up being an emergency C-section. I awoke to pain beyond comprehension, and I just wanted to die. I went psycho on the nurses and told them that I didn't want my son, etc, etc. I have no memory of this whatsoever, and I apparently was given a sedative. I believe that they gave me a high dosage of Valium they said, and I didn't finally get to see my son until around 2:30 that afternoon; he was born at 8:10 that morning. As happy as I was, I constantly cried, and I ended up being in the hospital for about 4 days because I had to have a psychiatric evaluation. I was prescribed medication that prevented me from breastfeeding, which I was totally fine with in the first place, mainly because I had planned on not breastfeeding anyway.

Emrys is almost 10 months old now, and I'm almost 6 months pregnant with a little girl. I'm still dealing with postpartum depression, and this pregnancy is making it worse. I'm in the process of getting a psychiatrist, but it's a long and slow process. I still don't feel close to my son, and I have little patience for him. I get angry at him often, and I feel so guilty about it all. A lot of the time, I just don't want to be around him at all. I keep feeling like he would be so much better off without me in his life. He's a daddy's boy, and has been since before he was born. I try to play with him and spend time with him, but he only has eyes for his father. I'm at a loss of what to do because therapy hasn't helped at all. I don't want to alienate my family or end up doing something I'll regret.

mrsmatto

when you say you get "angry" at your son, do you think he might be unsafe in your care or that you could potentially harm yourself?

jenny1980

It sounds like your bipolar disorder may not be effectively managed right now. I would definitely push to get into a psychiatrist (vs. counselor) asap.

And if you feel like you might hurt your son or yourself, please tell someone right away.