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Working Moms
I should be happy for DH
DH received an offer for a position that is his dream job. Basically he would get to come in and remodel a surgical dept to his plans, start new programs, work with residents despite being private practice, etc. And the pay is decent. The position is in my hometown which would mean family around to help with the kids.
The problem? I really, really don't want to leave the city where we are right now. I'm kinda of the "been there, done that" mentality about my hometown. It's a smaller city with less cultural opportunities. DS is in amazing PS here now and there's an international school with language immersion in up to 3 languages that I was dreaming of sending him to. The part that is making me absolutely depressed though is that I love love my current job. It is my dream job. I work 28hrs/wk no call, no weekends, with coworkers I love at a fabulous private hospital. I get to do a wide variety of cases and feel well challenged and well balanced. There is no similar position in my hometown. Plus I love the friends I've made here.
The recruiters are telling me there is no PT in my specialty in my hometown. FT for me would be 60ish hrs a week with overnight call and some weekends. DH will likely work 100+hrs for the first few yrs while building his program. We've been having a lot of separation anxiety issues with DS recently in regards to DH's job (he cried hysterically tonight when DH had to leave to do an emergency surgery). So I feel like me going back to FT now will upset things at home even more.
This is mostly just a pity party. I really don't want to leave but I don't want to deprive him of the position he's always wished for. Such a position would likely not occur here for at least 5-10 yrs, but maybe I can hold out hope that we can come back if/when it happens.
I'm thinking of asking my current group if I can do per diem coverage for them, at least until a more desirable position opens up for me in my hometown. Monetarily I don't need to work, but I love what I do and don't have the temperament to stay home.
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Re: I should be happy for DH
I dont really have any advice but I think you have every right to feel the way you feel. And even though this is your DH's dream job, maybe this just isn't the right time in your lives to take a position like this. Maybe 5-10 years might be the better time. Also, if your H does take the job is there maybe a way for you to do per diem work until you find the right fit?
GL to you and hugs. Tough call. Keep us posted.
ETA- I meant is there a way you could do per diem work on your hometown so you aren't separated.
Thanks for the support, everyone. I've at least found a decent PS for DS there, so that's making me feel a bit better. And I left it with the recruiter that I will only take PT or per diem for now until we find out how taxing this new position for him will be.
I would love to do a fellowship, actually. Unfortunately there aren't any in this city. I might look into teaching though.
I'm going to ask my current group about being per diem with them. It's a direct flight away and I really feel like I want to keep the door open with them until I'm sure we're not coming back. Both of our moms live in my hometown and are retired, so hopefully I could get them to watch the kids for a few days a month here or there to do it.
This is what I was going to ask. If some arrangement like this would make it worth it--with either your parents or getting a nanny. I don't believe in turning down good opportunities. They don't come around that often :-)
Mac and cheese lover!
I understand why you're torn. I would have a hard time moving back to my home town for all of the reasons you've listed.
You need to talk to your DH about this because the dream job and pay isn't worth it if his family is miserable.
Burned by the Bear
So...2 things.
1) For you...I don't know what you're specialty is or if you're an MD/NP or what exactly. But..for a lot of medical professionals...a good sized hospital or multi-specialty practice may be willing to create a position for you. I think you'll have more luck than the recruiter...especially if you can get somebody from your current dept. etc., to give you a letter of introduction.
2) For DH...there isn't a single dream job. If he's good enough to get the position described, he's good enough to land another dreamy job. But it may take a few years. I think there's a limited pool of candidates qualified and interested in being the surgical dept. head. And, after he builds that program, they'll be knocking on his door for another program and you'll both have to decide if uprooting your family is worth an even dreamier job.
So...be as flexible as you can be...but not more so. I can't imagine flying somewhere for per diem work, but that's just me. To me, preschool would not play into it.
I feel your pain. DH and I have lived in 5 different cities in 12 years of marriage. It's hard to be the trailing spouse. Especially when the economy is down, or when the place you are moving to does not have a lot going on in your professional niche.
We have another move on the horizon, too. I changed careers about 10 years ago but have gotten a slow start in the working world due to changing graduate programs and then the recession hitting shortly after I finished my master's. We spent the last two years living in a part of Canada where there were zero opportunities for me, and I went nuts. Came home last sprint, and in January I got about as close to a dream job as I could hope for at a junior level, working for someone who is considered a living legend in my profession. Two weeks later DH got called to interview for his dream job ... only it's in London. So here we go again!
It's really hard to leave friends and other forms of support behind. Your son's school sounds awesome! I wonder if there is some way that you can phase/time your relocation so as to make it easier on both you and your son. This is what DH and I have been discussing a lot lately. He can't turn down this opportunity in London. But he will probably be working long hours, so if I were to follow immediately then I would just feel alone and miserable. If I stay behind for a period of time (6 months to a year), yes LO (due in May) and I won't see much of DH but at least we would have friends, family, etc. around us in a familiar setting. And I want to stay in my current job for at least a year. Then we would join DH at a later time once we are a bit more established in our career and life transitions. We know it's going to be a challenging transition, but we're doing what we think is best.
You will figure out a way to make it work. The answers won't come easily or right away, and everyone will need to compromise something. Good luck --