Help me answer my husbands questions

melandbri

My husband and I are discussing hiring a doula.

He is struggling with the cost versus benefit and I am having a hard time answering the question of why I want a doula to his satisfaction. I talked about the emotional support piece but to him that is not sufficient as he feels that is his role.

So i mentioned that I have read that doulas reduce csection rates but I couldnt answer how they are able to do that.

Can you help me answer this question? Do you have any research i can show him?

 

tokenhoser

I don't have the research, but what got my husband to come around to the doula was that he really didn't want to be in charge. She told him what to do, and he did it, and I loved him for it. He didn't have to read a stack of books, attend weeks and weeks of classes with me, and then have to remember all that information in crisis mode. She made our birth so much better for everyone involved.

Try these to back you up:

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/05/080529162613.htm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1595013/

hopecounts

The benefit is having someone whose only job is looking out for your best interest.

I have no doubt if I had a doula I could've avoided my c/s.

DD was breech, at my 37 week appt I was told "baby is breech here's your c/s date for 38 weeks." In my heart I knew I should've pushed for 39 weeks but in thhe moment I went with it and didn't have any support for changing it,  think a doula would've reassured me that I would be right to push it back.

Then we went in at 38 weeks and she had turned, instead of going home and waiting I let DH and the doctor talk me into an induction (I was 2 cms) since I  was there, DD was fine. DD didn't like pit, or the epidural, by the time I got to pushing her heartbeat was acting up and we called a c/s.

I'm sure if I'd had a doula to talk to I would've held my ground and insisted on waiting it out but it was me against DH, our parents, and the Dr. and it was too much to handle on my own. I needed someone who had no interest beyond what was best for me, not easiest for them or what they wanted.

Sawyerplus1

tokenhoser:

I don't have the research, but what got my husband to come around to the doula was that he really didn't want to be in charge. She told him what to do, and he did it, and I loved him for it. He didn't have to read a stack of books, attend weeks and weeks of classes with me, and then have to remember all that information in crisis mode. She made our birth so much better for everyone involved.

Try these to back you up:

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/05/080529162613.htm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1595013/

I agree; present it more from his perspective. I've heard lots of fathers say they were glad to have someone there to speak up on their (expectant parents) behalf, as that can be very difficult for both a laboring mother and her partner, seeing her in a lot of pain. It also allows the partner to go get some rest, grab a bite, take a break, etc while still knowing his wife is not alone and is being looked after. My labor with DS was 30 hours and I'm sure DH would have loved to have had back up; as it was I selfishly didnt let him leave my side.  I have a friend who was at her sisters labor and delivery (the father not in the pic) and she found the doula to be invaluable, both to her laboring sister and to her, as she found labor to be more emotional and draining than she expected. 

carlinlp

The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin would be a great read for you both. It addresses how to support a laboring woman and the husband/doula relationship in detail. 

EMOmamma

Lots of great points in these replies!  I second "The Birth Partner" - good book for both of you.

The first time my H wanted a doula and I said we didn't need one.  Things didn't go great so this time I asked if he was still interested and he was practically jumping for the phone.  His thing was/is if something goes wrong he didn't want it to be his fault.  He didn't want me to resent him for not knowing what to do.  I tried to assure him I would never do that but I don't want him to feel that fear. 

A good doula won't marginalized your H, she'll help him feel like the best birth partner in the world. 

ateal2490

Its all about who's up for (and qualified to) be your advocate. Although I'm sure YH is capable of doing so, someone with the vast bank of knowledge (like a doula) can be in a million places at once assuring that your birth goes just the way you want it (as far as other circumstances allow, of course). Your H can enjoy the experience with you while your doula deals with the technicalities and stands up for you in any moment of weakness you could possibly have.

Found these when I went looking for stats:

 

26% less likely to give birth by cesarean section 
41% less likely to give birth with a vacuum extractor or forceps 
28% less likely to use any pain medications or epidurals 

33% less likely to be dissatisfied or negatively rate their birth experience

https://www.alldoulas.com/forums/general-doula-discussion/24964-what-latest-doula-statistics-about-benefits-during-labor.html

 

https://www.childbirth.org/articles/stats.html 

(slightly outdated, but makes the same point, regardless)

 

 

Effects on Birth Outcomes:

• Labors are 25% shorter.?
• There are fewer complications.
• Cesarean rates are reduced by 50%.?
• There is 40% less need for oxytocin to speed up labor.?
• Need for forceps is reduced by 40%.?
• Women request 30% less pain medication and 60% fewer epidurals.?

Effects on the Mother:

• Greater satisfaction with their birth experience.
• More positive assessments of their babies.
• Less postpartum depression.

Effects on the Baby:

• Babies have shorter hospital stays with fewer admissions to special care nurseries.
• Babies breastfeed more easily.
• Mothers are more affectionate to their babies postpartum.

Effects on the Health Care System:

• The cost of obstetrical care is dramatically reduced.
• Women are pleased with the personalized care doulas offer.
• The Benefit of continuous support in labor is recognized by:
• The World Health Organization
• The Medical Leadership Council (an organization of over 1200 U.S. hospitals)
• The Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada

From https://www.beginswithbirth.net/statistics.shtml

 

HTH! 

 

Sawyerplus1

EMO-mamma:

A good doula won't marginalized your H, she'll help him feel like the best birth partner in the world. 

Totally!  

doreo3

My H had a hard time understanding why we needed one as well, but after meeting her he was totally on board. She made sure to emphasize that she was not there to replace him, just help him to help me. Also, and this was big for him- she said he wouldn't need to be the bad guy...For example, if I was in labor and I wanted the epidural and he tried to encourage me not to get one, I could get mad at him later for not "letting" me get one. And if he "let" me get one, I could get mad at him later for letting me cave. She was basically making an example of how SHE could be the bad guy and he didn't have to be...it was more or less a joke but I think that example really hit home for him.

We both agree she was amazing to have. We're using her again for this birth, and H was the one who made sure I had contacted her. When I told him she had raised her prices, he said, "I don't care! Book her!!"

TrendyTina

This is some info from my doula's website: 

Here are some of the statistical benefits of hiring a Doula:

50% reduction in cesarean rates
25% shorter labors
60% reduction in epidural use
40% reduction in pitocin use
30% reduction in analgesia use

40% reduction in assisted delivery

What is a Doula?

The word Doula comes from the Greek and translates to ?Mothering the Mother.?

There are two different kinds of Doulas:

The Birth Doula helps you through pregnancy, labor and delivery with physical and emotional assistance. She is trained and experienced in childbirth education and support and will be with you for your entire labor and delivery.

The PostPartum Doula will be there when you bring your baby home. She is trained in newborn care as well as breastfeeding and also gives physical and emotional support during this transition. This is the person who will help take care of you so that you can focus on taking care of your baby.

Why should I hire a Doula?

Having a Doula helps make childbirth a positive experience. When birthing your baby is a positive experience it increases feelings of empowerment, both as a woman and as a mother. It also affects your relationship with your child and partner in a positive manner, as well. Hiring a Doula helps you and your family through this amazing transition by providing unconditional support.

An Angel Doula will provide you with all of the tools you?ll need to allow you to make the most informed choices with regard to your pregnancy, delivery and infant feeding. A common misconception about Doulas is that they discourage the use of pain medication in labor. 

At Touched By An Angel, we realize that this is YOUR birth experience and it should be the way YOU want it. When you hire an Angel Doula, you receive unconditional support for all of your decisions.

At Touched By An Angel we will work with your partner to help you BOTH have the birth experience you want.

Your Angel Doula has professional knowledge and will provide you with the education you need to make informed choices about your birth.

Your Angel Doula will provide physical support though various comfort measures during labor.

Your Angel Doula will provide emotional support by remaining with you at all times during labor and delivery. Working together as a team, she will help you and your partner relax and enjoy the birth of your baby! 

lcourter24

My husband was the same way!  But you ask him now and he'll tell you it was the best $500 bucks he's ever spent.  He puts it like this, a doula is like a personal trainer and the husband is like your work out buddy.  I had a rough labor and he was there for me but my doula was the one that was reminding me to change positions, drink water, pee, breath.  And when I got frustrated she took my attitude and knew how to calm me down, my DH and I would have butt heads I think.  Having her allowed him to really be there to just support me.

MLKuykendall

I had SO watch More Business of Being Born with me, and it struck a key with him.  You can watch the movies on their website www.businessofbeingborn.com.  It really just breaks it down to say women need the support of other women that know what they are doing when in these types of situations. 

xnbride

Well I am a pretty practical person and the way I see it is that a c-section would cost about 1000-2000 more even with insurance so having the extra support and knowledge of a trained doula can definitely help to prevent the additional cost of a possible c section. Not to mention that babies born from a c section sometimes will require a longer stay including the NICU and that is another additional fee. It just makes sense from a practical standpoint to hire labor support if you have the resources to do so. So basically spending 500 may help you save a couple thousand. Makes sense to me.

ncjulia12

The doula was a hard sell to my husband too and he's still not completely sure about it.  (Even though we've already hired one.)  He is still- despite all the information I've provided and advice from you ladies- not even sure about NB.  In his mind, if I get the epidural, I won't need the doula, so she's just an "extra hassle."  

I've had a LOT of issues planning for my birth because my husband would just really prefer it to just be him there and part of me understands that because he is a very private person and this is our (not just my) baby, so I feel like he should have some say in the matter.  

But the bottom line is- my husband is NOT prepared to be my birth partner.  He will love me, he will stay with me, he will try to help, but...

-he does not have enough knowledge about the birth process or pain management techiques to help me (he happily went to the 3 hour overview class at our hospital but was not interested in a longer more detailed course)
-he has a weak stomach and will probably vomit at some point
-he does not support my NB plans, which means...
    -he will not resist nurses or the ob if they bring up interventions
    -he will not encourage me to resist interventions if I start to get a little discouraged 
-his idea of a massage is rubbing my shoulders for a minute or two...if I have back labor or otherwise need a lot of hands-on attention, he will not be a great asset
-he has never attended a birth before (though he's watched several on TBOBB and the internet) so I'm afraid he will pretty much be freaked out from the beginning and not help to relax me. 

Wow, sorry to ramble so much- I guess I haven't written out my doula justification like that before, but it makes it even more clear to me why we've got one!  

Luckily, we're working with a doula-in-training, so we're only paying her for gas money, so I think that's helped my argument a lot!   

GL with your decision! 

PansyPants

I don't have proof other than my experience.

My doula was invaluable to us. She challenged the doctor to let me in the tub even though my water had broken, she knew the hospitals policy better than the nurses and my doctor and insisted that they look it up. That lead to me being able to skip transition because I was so relaxed/exhausted in the tub for the last couple cm's.

She came into the process at a point when I felt like I didn't know how to continue dealing with things and she helped me regain focus. I love my husband but after around 10 hours, he didn't know what to do anymore. He's not a professional, he doesn't do it dozens of times a year. She did and she helped me stay on path and stay relaxed.