PP Anxiety/OCD: I hate that I still fall into this trap.

bhession

Just need to get this off my chest; I apologize if it sounds crazy. I have been doing wonderfully in the last few months in conquering the frightening thoughts that began last summer in realtion to the possibility that I could do something to hurt the person that I love the most, my daughter. I have made excellent progress with medication, therapy, and self care in being able to see my intrusive thoughts as irrational fears related to OCD and anxiety, not pyschosis.

All this being said, I found that to ease my the occasional obsessive thought that I might have, I go onto the internet and look up articles on PPOCD, just to make sure that that is what I have. I trust my doctors, who have all assured me that I do not pose a threat to my child, and the thoughts are simply related to acute anxiety, but sometimes I can't control the urge to ease my fears by "researching" my illness.

My fears, as many of you might have read, centered around the fear of something happening to my daughter in water. Drowning scares the heck out of me, which is strange because I love to swim. I remember when Andrea Yates drowned all five of her children in the bath tub; I was in high school and deeply, deeply disturbed and sickened by what she did. I understand now that she suffered a variety of psychotic disorders, none of which I have thankfully, that led her to commit such a horrible act.

Even though my rational side knows I am not at all in the same situation that Andrea Yates was, I sometimes find myself looking her up online, and other women like her....not a lot of time, but some. I seem to do it just to reassure myself that my situation is different than hers, and there is no way that I would ever carry out any of my scary thoughts.

 I read about her last night, and literally felt sick to my stomach while reading. It reassures me that I would never ever do what she did; however, the images of her poor babies struggling play in my head and I end up just feeling panicky, sick and anxious, which counteracts any reassurance I might have received. Does this make sense to anyone? I read these upsetting articles about extreme cases of PPD to make myself feel better about what I am experiencing, but at the same time torture myself by imagining these horribly disturbing crimes.

Am I totally alone in doing things like this?

angelicalopez29

Dont do it, it is well known that its recommended to avoid conversations about accidents, murder, and horrible stuff that might boost your anxiety, reading stuff about mothers that hurt their children, or even watching scary movies, boost your fear of yourself towards your child, and boost your anxiety, so stay away from those stories, as much as it seems that reading them helps you realize that you are not in that situation, its more destructive than helpful.

 

I would also read that kind of stuff, just to feel reassured that I was not like those women, but then I started to have so much fear and anxiety about them, and decided I would not read about it anymore, watch videos on you tube about abused children, or read bad news about families. 

bhession

You are so right. I know that it just feeds the anxiety. I have been doing so well, and I don't know what compelled me to read about the Andrea Yates case last night. If my doctors were worried that I was in a similar situation, they wouldn't tell me otherwise. I have to trust in them, but most importantly, myself.

I guess in some ways it's like hand washing. If I read something and reassure myself that I am not "crazy or abnormal" it temporarily relieves the anxiety, but in the long run perpetuates the cycle of anxiety and gives the fear/obsession greater power.

I'm glad to know that someone else can attest to doing the same types of things, and I am also glad that you've stated the need to stop it. I know it myself, but sometimes need to hear it from someone else.

jenny1980

Hi there! Fellow OCD sufferer here and know exactly what you're talking about and why you're doing it.

Researching is a form of ritualization/neutralization and is feeding the OCD beast. By trying to seek reassurance that you're really not crazy, that all you have is OCD, etc. etc. you are reinforcing your brain's signals that these thoughts are to be taken seriously and to be feared.

The problem is that you're **never** going to be able to conclusively determine whether you have OCD or psychosis--that's why this is called the "doubting disease." Each time you feel a bit better, your brain will say, "Well, maybe I really don't have just OCD because...."

The first step to attacking OCD is to stop the compulsions: researching, asking for reassurance from your husband or family, telling yourself you're not crazy, etc. Simply let the thoughts drift in and out and preoccupy yourself with something productive--letting these thoughts take over gives them power and will increase the anxiety.

Hang in there--I am experiencing a bout of OCD right now (after being pretty symptom free for almost two years) and it's really hard. I know.

 

mintea

jenny1980:

Hi there! Fellow OCD sufferer here and know exactly what you're talking about and why you're doing it.

Researching is a form of ritualization/neutralization and is feeding the OCD beast. By trying to seek reassurance that you're really not crazy, that all you have is OCD, etc. etc. you are reinforcing your brain's signals that these thoughts are to be taken seriously and to be feared.

The problem is that you're **never** going to be able to conclusively determine whether you have OCD or psychosis--that's why this is called the "doubting disease." Each time you feel a bit better, your brain will say, "Well, maybe I really don't have just OCD because...."

The first step to attacking OCD is to stop the compulsions: researching, asking for reassurance from your husband or family, telling yourself you're not crazy, etc. Simply let the thoughts drift in and out and preoccupy yourself with something productive--letting these thoughts take over gives them power and will increase the anxiety.

Hang in there--I am experiencing a bout of OCD right now (after being pretty symptom free for almost two years) and it's really hard. I know.

 

THIS exactly. The research is another compulsion- something you're doing to alleviate the anxiety caused by your obsession. The temporary reassurance you get from your research only reinforces the OCD. You will never read anything that will convince your brain that it has found the "answer" to your doubts.

I like to think of it like this: Scratching the itch might feel good right now but it just opens the wound further and sets back the healing. If you can sit with it, and ride the itching out, you will be more healed and not have to deal with the itch anymore.

BTW, have you tried any exposure and response prevention therapy? If you did it with a qualified therapist it could be so helpful in a case like yours I think. I can just think of so many good exposures for that obsession that could really help extinguish it. 

 

Basil27

Is it possibly to stop using the internet? do you need it for you job etc? our internet was down for four months and I found that not having the internet and not watching the news and or scary movies helped alllllooooot! but the internet the most since it can be an evil evil thing...you can find anything to feed your illness I know I did! I would say I was trying to prove I didnt have something but then all I did was put those symptoms in my head for later and then later I would almost give myself those symptoms! 

Tsao21

You are not alone! This is something I still find myself doing... although I don't do it for hours upon hours anymore. I try to retrain myself from googling anything and sticking to websites like postpartumprogress.com if I feel like I need a little reassurance.

 My Doctor told me: If you feel like you are crazy, you're not. Crazy people do not know they are crazy.

 

hugs.