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Blended Families
MIL that oversteps the boundries
Hi all, I am semi new to this board, I have posted a few times. I am pretty new to being in a blended family and although SDs and I get along great, it seems to be the outside factors that get me all the time. I needed to get this vent out and I didn't have the heart to go off about it to DH.
This year is our year to have the girls for Easter, so I thought it would be special to have some girl bonding time and shop for our Easter dresses together without Dad (and also take some pressure off of him). There were apparently some bad feelings between his parents and his ex and they stayed away for most of their marriage. So, we were having dinner at his parents house last night and I called the girls into the kitchen and told them that this weekend we would be going to the mall to pick out something to wear.
Out of no where, MIL starts yelling at me that she had planned to take them and why would I do that to her and I am just like EX and I wont be taking away her grandchildren again and yelling at DH. Never did she tell us that she wanted to do this and she always seems to think that she is the mother overstepping DH and my authorities.
I had no idea what to do, she caused this HUGE battle in front of SDs putting down me and their mother!
Anyone else have trouble with MIL overstepping ??
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Re: MIL that oversteps the boundries
I have two (future) MIL's that do NOTHING but overstep. It is honestly sooo hard on us and especially me because I don't want to say anything to them to start a fight so if i say anything about any overstepping i say it to my fiance, which he feels i should just say something anyways and not worry about the MIL but from his mother i already get blamed for "taking him away from her" and his step mother is just a coniving rude drama queen who only ever wants to see us to take pictures of SD to post on facebook. Honestly, all MIL's will ever do is overstep i guess it's just on us how to deal with it you know?
How does your husband feel about what happened? I say take your girls and not worry about MIL who made plans with you without asking.
I have two (future) MIL's that do NOTHING but overstep. It is honestly sooo hard on us and especially me because I don't want to say anything to them to start a fight so if i say anything about any overstepping i say it to my fiance, which he feels i should just say something anyways and not worry about the MIL but from his mother i already get blamed for "taking him away from her" and his step mother is just a coniving rude drama queen who only ever wants to see us to take pictures of SD to post on facebook. Honestly, all MIL's will ever do is overstep i guess it's just on us how to deal with it you know?
How does your husband feel about what happened? I say take your girls and not worry about MIL who made plans with without asking.
We talked breifly about it when we go home and thinks that she was out of line and tells me to just take them. But like you said it is hard because you dont want to cause any further drama than they already do. When ever something like this happens he always tells me that this is why he and his ex never came around. I can't blame them honestly. MIL is the same way with the pictures. It seems as if she is more of a grandparent for show than a genuine reason.
It is frustrating and even more so when a blended family takes twice as much work than the average family.
My first thought is that perhaps the "bad feelings" between ex and MIL were not all of the ex's fault!!!
Don't let MIL boss you around. She was acting inappropriately.
I would take the girls out shopping as planned. Without MIL. Don't call her and tell her this, just follow your own plans and DO NOT bring her along. If you bring MIL, you will just be miserable, and you need to teach your MIL that if she has plans, she needs to consult you / H beforehand, and not by screaming at you. And consulting means asking, not telling. Plus, she seems to be all about the drama, so G-d forbid you or your SDs like a dress that she doesn't care for - it could start WWIII in the middle of the store.
To be honest, it is more important that YOU bond with the girls than them spending time with their grandmother. If you want to throw MIL a bone, perhaps she can take the girls out to get a manicure or something special. And she can "bond" with her grandaughters any time, not just at Easter. My mom just took DD to the St. Patrick's Day parade. I realize MIL only gets "half-time" to plan, but there are movies, trips to the park, etc. that she can plan with your SDs.
It is really good that it sounds like your H is supportive of you. That is the most important thing. I think it is a balance of you building a relationship with her and feeling like you can tell her when she oversteps. If you don't feel like you can do that right now your H should be the one to speak to her about it.
I had similar issues to yours when FI and I were together. We are not together anymore and I loved him so much I would give anything to go back in time. Hindsight is 20/20 and dealing with in laws and those sort of things you just need to work on and not let it get to you too much. Just try to keep some boundries and do the best you can.
I think it is really good for you to spend one on one time with SD's. And MIL should not be there all the time or involved in every decesion.
Honestly i can't agree with this anymore!! This is our first easter to actually be able to do something and by gosh we are going to! FIL and MIL called about two weeks ago to "make plans" however they just TOLD us what were going to do for easter, which involved going to their place (Which we don't do because of a huge falling out we had over 6 months ago) so SD can do "easter things" which means have MIL take a million pictures while SD goes through an easter basket and whatever else nonsense they have for her then rush off to upload them to facebook. I was very upset that we are going because this is our first time to do real easter stuff since she is almost 3 and last year she was sick for easter. So my FI told them we will make it over there once we are done with our stuff and gave no time limit, which pissed FIL and MIL off which in turn pissed FI so he told them we just wouldnt come which changed their tune completely. So go ahead and do what you wanted with your girls! and Have a blast! Don't worry about the drama, because i know the girls will have a wonderful time with you and wouldn't trade it for anything!
From what I've heard, my IL's didn't have a good relationship with BM. Supposedly she was snotty and her family thought they were "above" DH's family so they didn't see the kids much. So now I get to deal with all those hard feelings. MIL is VERY sensitive and constantly makes comments that she doesn't see her grandkids anymore. There are so many factors to this though. My SIL doesn't work outside the home so she's always taking her kids to see MIL. And now MIL expects the same from me, even though I have an FT job. And DH's birth parents are divorced and remarried, and DH recently got back in contact with his birth dad. So now MIL is super jealous that we spend time with her ex husband. We've explained to her many times that we only have the kids half the time as it is, and we're still trying to establish ourselves as a family (we've been married for 7 months).
This is how it goes: we all go to the IL's house for birthday celebrations and no matter how long we've been there, when it's time to leave MIL makes a big fuss about it being too early. Seriously, we'll be there for like seven hours and it's not enough! When we go to MY parents' house we usually stay around 3-4 hours max. We've started coming up with reasons for why we can't be at the IL's house all day, but it sucks that we have to feel guily every time we leave! And I feel like I look like the bad guy! When we go there all we do is sit on the couch and they don't even play with the kids so I don't see what the big deal is. I always just sit there and think about all the things I could be getting done at home... Don't get me wrong; I love my IL's. But there needs to be limits! (sorry, this kinda turned into my own rant!)
Rachi, it seems like the same things are going on, did we enter the same family?
I try and keep telling myself to let it work out and ignore the comments and put downs and that they are just finally able to make comments about the past that they were never able to make before, but enough is enough. Ok, so you and his EX did not get along and you had a bad relationship but do they understand they they are going to have a second DIL with bad feelings toward them??
DH amd I cringe everytime we have an event where we have to see them and wonder what the problem will be this time. I don't want to be the one to say I don't want to go but they are making it extremely difficult to enjoy their company.
Part of me wonders if they were this bad to his first wife, or any ILs were as bad to the first wives as they seem to be to the second wives or soon to be wives =/
I agree that you DH needs to have a little chat with his mom. But he also needs to re-assure her that she will not be ousted like his ex did.
At some point you too should re-assure her and include her in things as well. Maybe not dress shopping, but maybe you should invite her over for dinner more or to the kid's activities so she feels included.