How will/do you "parent" differently than your parents?

ffejsGirl

Someone asked this on my Oct BMB. I thought it was a good question. Here's my answer, anyone else? 

 

 To preface, I think my parents did a good job overall parenting me and H's the same. There's just a few things I know for sure I'll do differently.

 

I plan to be around more. My parents were both self-employed and crazy busy. They never missed a sporting/school event, but they weren't really playful with us. We never went on vacations because of their schedule. My H and I have both agreed vacations and bonding time are really important. 

Also my parents never explained anything, couldn't be reasoned with and were so modest. I plan to be open with my children about sex, drinking and drugs. I don't want to just say "if you do it you'll be grounded for life!" I want them to understand how to have safe sex, why it's important to wait and how dangerous certain drugs and binge drinking are.

We want open discussions in our house, and we want our kids to feel like they can come to us, with any problem, to work through together.  

Also we both agree we want them to behave appropriately because they respect us, not because they fear us. 

Lastly, there are no favorites in my house and never will be. Parents that play favorites make life so hard. I've watched my dad's parents do it with him, and mine do it with me and my sisters. I'll do everything in my power to make sure all my children know they are equally loved and respected. 

Doodle2011

My parents were great, but a little too strict which did nothing but cause friction between us for a few years, because I went ahead and did everything anyway despite their rules.  I would like my kid(s?) to understand WHY we have the rules we will have, to know there are real dangers and repercussions, that we aren't just wet blankets out to stifle their fun.  We are also much more affectionate with each other around LO then my parents ever were around us.  I think it's nice to set an example for her in that way (that daddy and mommy love each other). 

I also want to be more into things like shopping and clothes with Shiloh than my mom was with me.  Assuming Shiloh even cares about stuff like that, of course (if she doesn't that is fine).  I remember being in high school and my mom waiting in the car at the mall and giving me 30 minutes to run in and buy clothes for school, because she hated shopping so much.  I want to have mom-daughter time with Shiloh, and if that includes shopping or mani/pedi's that would be cool, if it's doing other projects or maybe even working out or something, that is fine too.  One thing my mom did that was really cool that I plan to do too is she took me on a trip to NYC when I graduated high school, just the two of us.  She also drove me across and up and down like 3 states checking out various colleges so I could see the campuses in person.  We must have gone to 15 schools.  It helped me pick where I went because I could actually picture myself there.

CaniacMom

I don't have a daughter so that takes a lot of the things I would 'change' out of the equation.  There were so many things that they thought 'girls' shouldn't do - the one that killed me was that girls should not let boys know that they were smarter than them.  I was very competitive academically and excelled in math & science.  If I had a daughter I would never let her think that it was not ok to be the best you can be in any area.  They also thought girls should not call boys -EVER! 

My parents were also the type who gave the rules but no reasoning behind them.  The best thing I heard from a friends mom about drugs was drug-dealers are criminals- do you want to trust a criminal to give you something to put in your body.  That made so much more sense than anything else you could have told me.  With Justin we have laid out the rules but tried to give real-life examples of why we do things that way.  Waitiing to have sex was easy to explain when I got pregnant while on birth control.

My DH is a preacher's son in a small community.  Back when he was growing up the church did not have an associate pastor or anything and did not pay very well.  Of course that kept his dad very busy in the happenings in the church. He goes out of his way to compensate for what he considers the short-comings from his upbringing.  His dad (and his mom a lot of the time) was always  tied up in something with the church so they missed Little League games and other activities like that.  Plus clothes were hand-me-downs or low end.  He buys Justin clothes & shoes only from the 'cool' stores.  Justin is lucky dad does that  - I would use the compromise method- you get a couple of  items from those stores and the rest can come from a regular department store.

 One thing I really appreciate that my parents did was let me go to college at UNC.  My family is very conservative & the school is very liberal -actually called the Berkley of the East Coast.  I asked them about why they let me go there after I graduated and if they realized what the leanings of the school were.  They said they knew that but trusted me to hold to my values.  I took ownership of the values I hold during those years- some may lean a lirttle bit from my parents but I walked out of college understanding what I believed & thought instead of just holding to it because mom & dad said so.   Plus it was an excellent school and just holding a degree from there has helped open doors for me in the past.

The other important thing that DH & I try to model for our children is service to others - my parents did not see that as an important activity.  We have done family mission trips with Justin with he was younger through our church, I was in Jr. League for 4 or 5 years and Justin got to see me participating in community projects in that way and the little things like teaching Sunday School, taking our turn at nursrey duty even when we did not have a kid that age, etc.  Even though we are not rich by any means we want the boys to appreciate how good our family does have it and that we need to reach out to others. 

MarSamWhitney

Doodle2011:

My parents were great, but a little too strict which did nothing but cause friction between us for a few years, because I went ahead and did everything anyway despite their rules.  I would like my kid(s?) to understand WHY we have the rules we will have, to know there are real dangers and repercussions, that we aren't just wet blankets out to stifle their fun.  We are also much more affectionate with each other around LO then my parents ever were around us.  I think it's nice to set an example for her in that way (that daddy and mommy love each other). 

I also want to be more into things like shopping and clothes with Shiloh than my mom was with me.  Assuming Shiloh even cares about stuff like that, of course (if she doesn't that is fine).  I remember being in high school and my mom waiting in the car at the mall and giving me 30 minutes to run in and buy clothes for school, because she hated shopping so much.  I want to have mom-daughter time with Shiloh, and if that includes shopping or mani/pedi's that would be cool, if it's doing other projects or maybe even working out or something, that is fine too.  One thing my mom did that was really cool that I plan to do too is she took me on a trip to NYC when I graduated high school, just the two of us.  She also drove me across and up and down like 3 states checking out various colleges so I could see the campuses in person.  We must have gone to 15 schools.  It helped me pick where I went because I could actually picture myself there.

I could have wrote that exactly.  I think I was too sheltered, so from 18-22 when I got out into the real world, I went wild.  I hope that doesn't happen to W.  I imagine will be almost as strict as my parents were, hopefully I can find a happy medium.  My dad is not affectionate, so I hope to H will show W that. 

 

I talk a good game, I should write all ths in my journal. I am very curious to see how this will all play out! Especially her being an only child.  (She does have  14 yr old half brother, but that is a huge age difference)

freeatlast2014

I didn't have a "dad" growing up (didn't meet my biological until I was about 27) so the fact that JT will have his dad to help mold him will be the biggest change of all. And if we have a daughter she will have what I always dreamed of having (a dad to go to the father/daughter events, a man's perspective when she needs advice, etc.)  I wish I were the affectionate type because I think that would help, I have to work on that. My DH would be affectionate but I guess I find it awkward because I never had it or saw it with my mom and stepdad. Plus, he (SD) was an awful evil person anyway so it was a weird dynamic.

I was always a good kid, did great in school (always top of my class) and hung out with a good crowd (most of which had political pull..ie. relatives were principals, teachers, cops, etc.) However, that also meant when we got caught getting in trouble we actually didn't get in any real trouble so in that aspect I also got lucky. My DH, on the other hand, got in lots of trouble. Always got caught, hung out with the wrong crowd.  His parents didn't know what to do with him.  I know JT will experiment, but I will make sure that I know his friends very well so I can ensure that he gets in as little trouble as possible.

I want open communication about everything. I was close with my mom but there were just some things I couldn't bring myself to tell her before it was too late. I want to try to catch those things before they can happen - I know JT has his own destiny and mistakes to make but if I can help prevent just one I know that will be so important.

I also don't want to limit JT's school opportunities. I couldn't go to my first choice school (Boston College) even though I got in early admission because we couldn't afford it. I would hate to have that discussion. My DH also wasn't really pushed/encouraged to complete school and I think that is very important so I hope to instill that desire and motivation in some way shape or form. 

Most importantly, I want to teach my kids how to save. I never learned and still svck at it. So does DH. Not sure how I can teach something I don't do well at myself but I'll find a way!

Oh, and lastly, my mom worked like a madwoman to support our family. She missed many events of mine. I don't want that to happen. I'm SAHM now but when I go back to work I want to find a job flexible enough where I can be everywhere I want to be for my kids. I also think having 2 kids (my mom had 3) will also help me to better manage my time. With her working so much I think it was hard to give time to all 3.

I second what PP mentioned about not favoring...there was a lot of that in my family and DH's. I don't want that for my kids. 

RedZee

In an effort to not push pressure on us, my mom said we shouldn't date until we were 15. So we ended up being kind of secretive and not feeling like we could talk about those things until we were older. In general, my parents end up sweeping things under the rug and not having open discussions because they hope if we all drop things we'll get along. In our family, we hope to have our kids talk out their issues so that they can have real relationships. We're also hoping to teach our kids to be proud of each other's accomplishments and enjoy giving attention to each other so that they won't fight later in life. (We hope.) We both have issues with our older sisters so we're hoping not to treat DD the way our parents treated our older sisters.

Also, my parents didn't give us chores really. We were asked to help out, but it was different things all the time and we often didn't really do those things. I think it's an important way to learn responsibility. [DH's parents did this and I think it's about the only thing I'll do that they did.]