I am going to strangle the kid
Ilumine
member
So, SS has had issues with doing his homework. We got on a routine, where I would check his assignments before he got home and then would ask him if there was anything for that evening.
He would be totally upfront and go in and do the homework.
So I started being a bit lax, since more often that naught he would tell me that he had something to do and go in and "do it".
Turns out he was not doing everything assigned. His excuse was that he was in the office (for which ever perceived issue of the day). However, he was NOT in the office for each day of missing work.
So when he came home today, I showed him his grades and the missing assignments on the web. I started listing the various assignments that were missing and started to explain that he would have to make up these assignments THIS WEEKEND.
And he went off. Why should he be punished if he can make them up. As I tried to explain to him, the consequences were for the fact that he DID NOT DO THE ASSIGNMENTS TO BEGIN WITH.
He was told that there would be punishments if he did not do them when assigned. So this should not be a surprise, nor will doing them correct the poor working behavior.
Then he started in on how I am an evil, mean horrid woman. I asked him (well goaded actaully) how I was evil? It was not MY homework. It was not my responsibility to do it on time. It was not my rules that there would be consequences if the homework was not done.
He actually tiraded that I was evil because I took his dad away from him. I know I should not have responded, but I did ask him "Weren't your parents divorced for the past 7 years and weren't you living with your mom since you were 5? How did I take him away.
Then he threw one of his beeniebabies at me.
I am so over this kid right now. I am getting a glass of wine and carving my pumpkin.
Re: I am going to strangle the kid
This is the perfect time to use this analogy: He is the consumer and he orders what he wants. If he wants to order no dinner, no TV, no playtime, etc... his actions will get this.
You and your DH are the delivery truck - UPS if you will. Whenever HE places HIS order, he will get it delivered. Are you and your DH in control of what he orders? no because it's him that is the consumer. HE purchased this, all you're doing is deliver what HE wanted.
Ah yes. The good ol' "you took my dad's attention away from me!" guilt trip.
*sigh* what's a step mom to do?
Update - he wrote out an apology and has accepted his consequences - which are no trick or treating (yes we had already said no, but he was not to even bring it up) and he has to do ALL of the homework before he can do anything.
And there is A TON of homework to make up. To include somethign that he "swears" he turned in. However, since it was not counted he has to do it anyway.
As for the "you took my dad away", I think that my quick response that since HIS MOTHER LEFT HIS FATHER (I will not let him ever think that the decision to end the marriage was his dad's), he needs to direct his anger at the right person - HER.
SS acknowledged in his letter that he knows that I am not standing between him and his dad. He also stated that I am the best thing, even more than his Dad (who he fears will leave him again) or his Mom. He just wanted to hurt me to divert attention (which he SEES after the fact, but cannot control while in the moment).
He is always truly apologetic and genuinely remorseful after the fact. He just cannot stop himself from doing/saying the wrong thing when in the moment. ARG.
At the very least, it is a good thing that he knows what he says is wrong and he means his apologies. Sometimes I wonder how you teach kids that filter, or if it is just something they learn on their own. How many times does it take of saying something hurtful, before they learn that it is wrong?
He sounds like he has a pretty good grasp on emotional issues (knowing he wanted to hurt you to divert attention) or he is a master manipulator. Either way, it is rather interesting, and I am sure does make you want to strangle him.
Can I also say I am soooo glad EDline did not exist when I was in school-yikes.
I think I have a great way of handling the hateful words.
He will try to hold past issues with his sister, aunts and grandmother against them. He still gets worked up by things that they said/did from 3 years ago (his mother egged him on with that too).
Every single time he will bring up how he does not love his sister/aunts/grammy, I am quick and firm to remind him that he has actually said/done WORSE to me.
So either I will start holding his comments/actions against him or he has to let go. Either way, I will not HEAR him talk that way anymore.
At least he is starting to forgive his sis/aunt/grammy.....
He's doing the same thing my SD did. Accusing me of taking her dad away and then when she's calmed down - or wants something - says that I'm the best thing, and more of a mom to her than her own.
I hate to say it, but it's a game. But one that is rooted in real feelings. You just have to try and see it for what it is in the moment and not take it to heart. You are obviously doing what's best for your SS. You know that.
Honestly...I'm not so sure what he did is any different or worse than what any kid would do with their bio-parents. Next time, try to remember that he's seeing you as a parent...and that's the best compliment any step kid could give a step parent.
Well, now you know, if you did not already, what a manipulative little shitt he'll try to be; good for you for not caving.
As far as his remarks? I would not have answered them except with a laugh. YEP I'm a great big meanie evil woman; NOW DO YOUR HOMEWORK while I think of how I'm going to punish you.
And the homework would not be the punishment. He's already supposed to have done that. I'd take something he genuinely values, and I'd get rid of it. Cell phone, lap top, whatever. He lied to your face for weeks; having to do the homework as punishment is insufficient.