Missing her firsts - hows do you cope?

MrsRucinski85

I had my beautiful little girl Jan of this year. My mat leave is over the end of this week and Ana starts day care next Monday.

I am wondering how do you working mamas deal with missing out on your LOs firsts? Like rolling, crawling, walking, talking... I mean I know I have a little bit of a way to go before she is crawling, walking, talking... but I cant help but wonder. She's at the point where she should be starting to roll over soon and I feel like I am going to miss it.

She will be at day care for at least 40 hours a week and I cant help but think she will be doing a lot of her "firsts" in the presence of the day care workers and not me. I know once she has been going there for a while I am sure I will become more comfortable/friendly with the workers. But it still breaks my heart to think that I'm going to miss those "firsts". I'm honestly tearing up just thinking about it.

So how do you ladies do it? Do you just suck it up and know its going to happen? Do you ask the day care workers not to tell you and wait for your LO to do it in front of you? Do you ask them to video tape it? Am I being silly?

Thanks ladies!

Ago

Not silly, but you'll be okay.  It is one of those things that I was so excited that she achieved that goal, I was okay with the idea that I wasn't the first to see it.  And, I told the daycare not to tell me, which I know they might have done a couple of times because once when I told her the "first" that my daughter did for me, she replied "Oh, does she do that for you now?" almost like she had maybe seen it a couple of times.  Also, remember that 2/3 of her week and all of her weekend are at home with you, so the odds are in your favor!

AZ123

How do I cope? By the memory of seeing LO's face when he sees MY reaction to him achieving his firsts. Nothing is like showing your first walk or singing your first song you learned to your Mommy. Mommy's reaction is a million times more rewarding for the child than a caregivers, in my opinion. So that's how I cope. I know they'll do things when I'm not around but when they do them for me? well, no reaction on the earth tops mine with smiles, cheers, hugs and kisses from Mommy. And now that DS1 is older, he hears me bragging to grandma and grandpa or daddy about how proud I am of him. That moment of them doing their firsts for just me and my husband is so sweet and special that nothing else compares....

madhatter2003

It will ALWAYS be a first when you see it for the first time, even if she's done it a million times before.

 

Things can happen anytime, and most are VERY VERY gradual. It's not like they just *boom* roll over/start walking/start talking.  It's a very gradual process until the 'first' for something.

That being said, I missed my DD rolling over for the first time because I was at home with her on the weekend but was in the shower. So DH saw it but not me. It wouldn't have mattered if it was during the week or not since it was still cool when *I* saw it.

 

MirandaHobbes

Our daycare provider always kept those things to herself so when I saw it, it was a first! It's sortof an unwritten code. You have to let go of the things you can't control, unfortunately. I honestly never felt like I "missed" anything. I saw DS crawl to a windup talking pig for the first time and I'll never forget that!!

KathrynMD

alot of people follow a little strategy w/ their daycare teachers where the teachers (or grandma, etc.) won't tell them if their LO does something "first".

IME, everything was an process.  Its not like one day - DD went from totally not crawling to totally crawling - kwim?  Like she slowly started figuring out how to coordinate herself w/ crawling, walking, pulling up, eating, etc. The other thing for me is that there are 100 billion FIRSTS your child will have their whole life - first time in the swing/slide/ride a bike, make a basket, first time they go potty themselves, first time they get dressed, go down the stairs, etc., etc. not to mention all the older things - graduations, dates, jobs, cars, etc.

Its never really bothered me if she did something for someone else first, I figured its "her" milestone, not mine.  I'm her main audience, but its her life and her achievements, I'm just honored to see them.  I love too knowing that others are almost as excited and proud of her as I am. 

Also - remember even if you were home all day, you might miss stuff.  DD turned over for the first time the day before I went back to work - I was in teh kitchen making a sandwich and totally missed it. .. .

ss+el

MirandaHobbes:

Our daycare provider always kept those things to herself so when I saw it, it was a first! It's sortof an unwritten code.

This. As far as I know, I saw all of his "firsts" myself, but I really wouldn't be surprised if he showed some of them to someone else before me. If he did, they never told. 

MrsRucinski85

Thanks so much ladies. Your responses made me feel a bit better about it all.

laurakaz13

I couldn't care less if she does something first at daycare.  I consider the first time I see it as the first time. 

Iblamethebeer

DD rolled over for the first time while I was still on maternity leave.

I missed it because I was brushing my teeth.

I committed that moment to memory.  Not working isn't a golden ticket to seeing every big moment. 

emberlee3

I worked 80 hrs/week for DS's first year, but somehow I got to see all his firsts.

My sis is a SAHM.  One of the first times she left her DD2 (who wouldn't take a bottle), she was at Target for an hour and missed her baby rolling over for the first time.

You never know when these things are going to happen.  It will be ok!

warriormomerin

MirandaHobbes:

Our daycare provider always kept those things to herself so when I saw it, it was a first! It's sortof an unwritten code. You have to let go of the things you can't control, unfortunately. I honestly never felt like I "missed" anything. I saw DS crawl to a windup talking pig for the first time and I'll never forget that!!

This is what I did with my first child. I was home with my second, but honestly didn't feel like it was a huge difference. Seeing my second child's milestones firsthand wasn't any more special than the first time I witnessed milestones with DD, even if it was the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time she had done something. My point is that they're all special, no matter what.

newenglandmomm

Im an infant teacher and no your not being silly ALOT of parents come in asking this and the get teary eyed too. We cant video tape anything in my room but we can take plenty of pictures! Most of our parents dont want to know if their child is doing anything. I have a little girl now in my room shes 9 months and shes starting to take her first steps. I want to tell the parents so badly its killing me but I cant. So everyday when they pick up I ask them/tell them

 "has she taken any steps for you at home? Shes getting soo close! She wanted to take one earlier but she couldnt so shes getting mad at herself! its really cute"

their response every day is "No not yet but were working at it."

As a parent and a teacher it makes me so sad when I do see something first. But if you think about your childs "first" might happen at any time and you could still miss it because you ran to the bathroom or went to the kitchen to grab something.

 

matchboxdaisy

By filling my office full of pictures of my baby in all stages of his development. Knowing that he knows I'm his mommy and that I get to see him each and every night after work. That I too will see him do his milestones. Luckily rolling over first occured at home and so did sitting up unsupported. That helped a little, but having a great daycare person filling me in on his days and making me feel like I was a part of his day definitely helps!

erinruns

I have never missed a first anything.  When she was little, they did all of those firsts with me, not the nanny.  Regardless, the first time they did it for me was the first as far as I'm concerned.  

jnealet

Kathryn hit the nail on the head for me too - its usually a process and its much more fun to watch them try to figure it out than defining the actual "first" time they did something.

And I don't know about a lot of other moms but my children seem to practice when its quiet - you know, in the middle of the night in their cribs.  So I will hopefully miss a lot of firsts, I just get to hear/see the aftermath and help them get out of their prediciment.  D2 rolled a few weeks ago, around 2am and then cried because she couldn't get back.  It was cute the first time but after a few nights of it, I was ready for her to learn to roll the other direction.  She still hasn't figured that one out but she's stopped rolling at night...now she's sucking her hands and looking like she's teething.

If it means I get a good night's sleep, then I don't mind if she does it at daycare first...just don't tell me about it until I mention that she's done it at home.

aliska

Even if you are home, you may miss the "firsts".  DD rolled over for the first time while I had my back turned.  It will always be the first for you when you see it.  Yesterday she learned how to clap at daycare.  They told me when I picked her up.  I was able to get it on camera when we got home.  It was great!

catsinawindow

I was super worried about this as well, but it turned out to be a complete non-issue.  I haven't missed a first.  Not a single one.  I'm not sure if it's b/c our daycare lady doesn't tell us when he does a "first" or if he just tends to do them when we're home, but we haven't missed one yet.

On top of that, most of the "firsts" that you think about are a process, not something that happens all at once.  For instance, walking.  DS just started walking this month.  It didn't happen all at once, first it was one or two steps if we let go on his hands, then it was one or two steps between objects, then the distance became greater and greater.  DS's "first steps" probably spanned across a week or two.

Talking and crawling are the same way, so is rolling to a certain degree.  They all happen gradually.

CozyHeart13

I saw the first time she rolled over and missed every first after that until the first time she walked. I'm military and deployed before she was even 6 months old and came back just before she started walking. Sadly I was working late that day and missed even that first. It sucked and I hated it at the time, but I've learned to make a big deal out of all the things I do get to do with DD. The first time she used a big girl potty, the first time she went to the circus, the first time she helped make waffles... Maybe it sounds silly, but every thing is a first at some point. And I cherish every moment I have with her because they are all special.

Jan312

I just have to say THANK YOU to everyone! Reading these posts has helped me too! I am a new mommy and I'm currently on maternity leave. Going back to work full time in 8 weeks.  It kills me to think I won't be the first to see everything, but you are all so right.  When I see it for the first time is what matters! This definitely helps me cope. THANKS!!!

angelrue522

AZ123:

How do I cope? By the memory of seeing LO's face when he sees MY reaction to him achieving his firsts. Nothing is like showing your first walk or singing your first song you learned to your Mommy. Mommy's reaction is a million times more rewarding for the child than a caregivers, in my opinion. So that's how I cope. I know they'll do things when I'm not around but when they do them for me? well, no reaction on the earth tops mine with smiles, cheers, hugs and kisses from Mommy. And now that DS1 is older, he hears me bragging to grandma and grandpa or daddy about how proud I am of him. That moment of them doing their firsts for just me and my husband is so sweet and special that nothing else compares....

I love this comment Great answer.