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Single Parents
When is enough, enough?
I am really in need of some "logical advice". Little background, my husband has always been on the selfish side. He comes home and says, "hey babe tomorrow I'm gonna go fishing", or things to that nature. He's always been stingy with his money. His money is his, mine is mine. We put 80% of both our checks away for bills but he gets HUGE bonuses 4 times a year and I'm lucky if I get a "hey babe lets go out for dinner". When LO came along I noticed a little change. He was such a happy parent. Loved her and was obsessed with her. Now... I'm lucky if he walks in and wants to hold her after a long day.
For the past months, I've been keeping documentation bc I'm about fed up. Every Friday and Saturday night he's gone out, iether to a friends house to watch a game, play guitar, something. Me and LO are stuck at home by ourselves. I LOVE my daughter don't get me wrong, but after 2 weekends of him going out both nights and working all day saturday and sunday, i'm exhausted and I would just like 1 hour to myself. Tuesday I told him I was going to start a Zumba class at the gym. He told me it was ridiculous bc he never gets time to work out! WHAT? Are you kidding? If he stayed home for a night he could or even when he gets home from work he could because he's certainly NOT helping me with LO. From the time I get home until I lay her to bed, I am the one doing everything. I'm thankful if he makes a bottle every once in a while.
I don't understand what has changed, and I've talked to him several times. Telling him I need help, etc. I was specific on what I needed help on. ITs getting to the point where I'm resenting him. I can handle him treating me the way he does, but not my little girl. I swear sometimes she doesn't even know who he is! If I need 5 mins to do something I'll literally plop her in his arms and 5 mins later, she's screaming.
I'm talking to a lawyer next week, I just want to get all my bearings together so I can do things the right way by the law... But I'm constantly asking myself... Am I overreacting? Should I wait it out a little longer?
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Re: When is enough, enough?
I've asked for counseling in the past and he refused to go. About 2 years ago, we went through a period where I didn't feel loved or appreciated because as I gave an example of above, he is off living this seperate life doing things he wants to do, when he wants to do them. They weren't this bad when we got married, but its just gotten so much worse. Anyway back then I told him that I didn't love him anymore and I wanted to find love and wanted him to find someone deserving of him, bc obviously we weren't doing it together. It really seemed to affect him bc his "hardness" wore off and he started to cry and told me that he didn't want to loose me.
All through our marriage, I'm the one that cooks, cleans, does laundry, pays bills, manages finances, does our taxes, everytihgn! Now I have a child on top of that. And he doesn't seem to understand its more than I can handle!
I honestly am just "numb" to him right now. I dunno. I don't know if I'm at that point where I was 2 years ago, but I feel abondoned. For both of us. I just feel like I talk and talk, ask and ask for help... and nothing. I don't know if that makes any sense. Its just the way I feel.
Are you still in love with him?
Could you ever fall back in love with him if you aren't?
Sounds like we were in very similar situations. My EXH was VEERY selfish and I never saw a cent of my own money and he ended up not wanting kids after he told me he wanted children. He has been out of a job since Aug 2010 and not getting unemployment. he spent all his time and money with his hobby and not with me or our daughter. Also, I was not sexually attracted to him at all. We were more roomates then husband and wife.
If you ever want to talk send me an email to cara dot williams at siemens dot com. I can give you some insight!
I knew enough was enough when marriage counseling didn't work, and he wouldn't admit to his depression, drinking, money spending, starting fires, etc...it was horrible...I had to get my daughter out of a bad situation that kept getting worse.
GL!
Yes these are all things that I feel. Life is so short and I don't want to "stick around" and waste my time. But I really could care less right now. I know financially it would be astronomical, but I don't care. If I wouldn't haev to hear his lip about "you put your laundry away, why can't you put mine away"? MFer, you're lucky I still do your laundry and fold it for you! Sorry - vent.
I agree with achase. It would read differently if you wrote he had gone out every night since baby came along but 2 weekends isn't enough imho. If your ticker is right then you may want to check with moms on babies: 3-6 months. I remember a lot of moms bitching and feeling alone around that stage. They also used some twisted fun humor to cry our ways thru that stage sometimes. Also why did you expect him to start doing any of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, ect if you had been doing it all up to this point? I'm not saying that he shouldn't help but you created the monster of no help. If you think meeting with a lawyer and going thru a divorce is as simple as that emotionally or physically your in for a bigger wake up call then your husband.
I'm sorry if this comes across harsh. Good Luck. We will be here if you need us with either choice you make.
Thank you ... but I think you read that wrong. I said for months he's been doing this, but the past "2 weekends" was when he worked all day + went out. So for 2 weekends I've been absolutely exhausted. That's what I meant.
I agree, a conversation needs to take place first before making any decisions. I'm definitely not filing for divorce next week. I'm just always a person who tries to prepare for everything I encounter, and I just want to have my bearings as far as what I can/cannot do to make a better case.
Yes, its my fault bc I thought I was being an awesome wife doing all those things, I loved him more than anything and wanted to make his life easier. OK, I'm a sucker. I know... but I did it all out of love and now I'm being punished for that. Its still not fair.
I'm not saying divorce is easy. I know its not. My parents divorced and it sucked... but I also (now) see why they did it. I was more miserable with them together then I was afterwards.
When you ask the question is this enough...it usually is.
Do yourself the favor of going to marriage counseling alone. Find a friend or bring the baby with you for the hour a week.
And go on strike.
ONLY do for you and the baby. Wash only your clothes, only make your/baby's meals. Find another bank and start putting your money in it. DON"T JUST OPEN ANOTHER ACCOUNT AT YOUR BANK no one wants some helpful clerk to link the acounts together.
And when he comes home and announces he's going to a friend's house, fishing, analyzing his belly button, etc you just turn around and say sorry that doesn't work for me, you will need to stay home and be with our daughter b/c I have plans.
THEN GO TO THE MALL ALONE, GO and have a coffee by yourself or with a girlfriend you haven't connected with for a while.
Start being just as independent as he is and then find out if he starts to change in reaction to your change or if he stays the same BUT YOU HAVE CHANGED and your answer will be clear b/c you will be independent again and realize you can do this and you don't need him
He's the one that has to keep up or get out of your way.
Thank you "Tifanico". Its not one clear thing that makes me think about leaving its all the things. He doesn't beat me, he doesn't yell at me and he doesn't do anything illegal... so yes the "gray area" would be that I'm just not happy anymore. And he's ripping my heart out seeing what he's doing to our little girl.
Sweetie0228, thank you. That is a good idea... however I know it will cause more confrontation. But yes, I will try that. He's not used to me pushing back. And I guess that will be me "saying something" without saying anything. I like that... Keep up or get out of my way.
Stick around.....these ladies have a lot of wisdom to hand out. And it seems like you are open for opinions/advice! I say good luck to you, I'm sure if you follow Sweetie's advice you will have your answer sooner than you think!!!!!