burn out Vent LONG

bluerevolution9

Ok, so a disclaimer - I haven't posted here in a few months.  So I know Im not a regular member of this community, but I really need to vent somewhere or I feel like I am going to loose it. I thought this board could be the right place.  

 I feel like I am free falling. My life is out of balance and I recognize that.  The problem is I don't even know where to start anymore to fix it  DD is 6 months old.  We had a beautiful home birth in Israel where my husband is from and where I lived for the past 7 years.  We had a great life, but my husband's job wasn't paying enough for us to survive as me as a SAHM.  I am a doula, but since becoming a mommy its not something that I can do while EBF (our DD won't take a bottle, we are still trying, but not succeeding with it, so for now mommy has to always be near by and can't just take off for a birth).   We decided to move to America to be near my family in thinking that having family support would help make raising a baby easier and when I am able to go back to attending births I would have the support I needed to do so.   So we moved here when DD was 11 weeks old.  Since then we have been living in my parent's house.  DH got a job here, but its not paying enough for us to move out.  It is a huge source of frustration and anxiety.  

Since moving here, I feel like my relationship with DH is crumbling.  We are almost never intimate (we bed share and being that we live with my parents it doesn't really afford many options for being together).  When he isn't at work (which is at least 6 days a week) we are usually arguing.  He leaves an hour after DD wakes up, and comes home about an hour before she goes to bed.  In that morning hour he almost never helps me out.  In that evening hour he is tired and wants to relax.  I feel like I am responsible for about 99.9% of parenting.  When she was born he was working 80 hours a week, and since she is EBF he just never felt like there was anything for him to do when he was home.  Now I feel like there is so much he can do, but he doesn't want to.   If he does take her for a while to play I feel like he ignores things... like he won't change her diaper unless I specifically ask or he will pay more attention to something other than her and since she crawls thats dangerous.  When I ask for help I feel that it is always met with a reluctancy to pitch in.  I get that he works really hard, he does deserve to sit back and watch a game. But I also deserve help.  I deserve some time to rest, some time to myself, sometime to shower! (my parents don't help, but that is another story that I don't want to get into, so its not an option). I need his help to get things done. Sometimes I feel like he just expects me to be super mom and be able to get the laundry done, grocery shop, cook, clean, play with baby, entertain baby, feed baby, ect all on top of trying to study (I am studying to be an CLEC.  Another one of the reasons we moved here is so that I can study to be a midwife, but I don't see how on earth I am going to be able to do that if he can't help me out now.)

I feel that he has no understanding of what I have to get done everyday.  He plays with her for an hour and is already overwhelmed, but just thinks that for some reason I should be able to handle all childcare round the clock for the past 6 months and there should be no reason why sometimes I just and too overwhelmed.  I haven't slept more than 2 hours a time since she was born!  Not even once.  I am TIRED.   I tell him that I need help.  I try to be very open and clear about my needs but I feel that he just doesn't get it.  That somehow its not as much as work as I say it is, or maybe that he just doesn't really get what I have to do every day and every night.  And then if we are fighting its even worse. He just shuts down and won't help out at all.  Tonight I had to the bedtime routine alone.  And he knows it takes two of us, but he just sat downstairs watching tv.  I don't even know where I am going with this anymore, and I know its super long.  I read Dr Sears AP book a while back, and I read the parts about mommy burn out- where there is mother burnout there is not enough father support (something like that).  I asked him to read parts of that book, because I felt that if it came from someone else (even if that someone is a book) that maybe it would click for him that I just need more help with things but he refused to read it.  And by help I mean the kind where if there is a big pile of laundry that needs folding, can't he just fold it? Do I really have to ask him 5 times? I know that there is laundry to fold.  Its sitting right there!  Why is it that he can look at it and just not think "o hey, I should help Ariel out and just fold this laundry".  Why does he think his time is more valuable than my time?  Like when he says " Im tired I don't want to do x"  Well Im tired too.  I woke up 5 times for feedings last night.  

I don't want my marriage to fall apart.  But I don't know how to make things better right now.  

KahlansMom

Oh my.  I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.   I saw that he wouldn't read parts of the Dr Sears book, but do you think you could sit him down and let him read this?  I think it might get through to him if he sees it typed out like this.  You need some time to yourself, even if its just a couple hours grocery shopping or running errands, and he needs to give you those breaks.  You need time to interact with other adults without a baby needing your constant attention.  You need to work as a team or else it's not going to work in the long run.  Why don't your parents help at all?  Do you mean they don't ever play, or change, or interact with your LO at all?

JoannaJes

I do feel for you, because it sounds like the situation that was created is very stressful. But is your H still working 80 hours a week? That is hard. Not to mention that he moved to a new country to live with his in-laws who apparently have napeseen helpful. 

You say you can't work because the baby won't take a bottle and you are exhausted because you are feeding the baby non stop at night. Well, those things can be changed. And especially in the situation you are in, it sounds like you need to start attending some births so you can make some income and perhaps move out of your parents place. 

Good luck. It might be helpful if you find a way to do something that gets you out of the house once and awhile and leave your LO with your DH.  Also, it might help if you just have DH be in charge of particular chores...that way you don't have to ask him five times to fold laundry.

bluerevolution9

DH isn't working 80 weeks anymore.  He works 40-50.  Its uncomfortable for both of us to be in my parents house, but I just don't feel like its a reason for him to just shut down on parenting help.  

My father is gone from the house almost everyday during the times that DD is awake.  My mom is home.  SHe doesn't work.  I ask her to help sometimes but she is very non-committal about it.  She will be like "well maybe, but I think I might want to go out, or clean something, or whatever"  which is fine, I mean, its her life, I don't expect her to be my babysitter, but I have told her that I would really appreciate it if maybe a few times a week she could just play with DD for even an hour that would be so helpful.  The problem is that she wants to play with her only when its good for her and only for like 10 minutes at a time.  So it hasn't been a real help or solution.   

I went to a lactation consultant and to LLL for help with the not taking a bottle issue, but so far we haven't been able to get her interested in one.  I plan to keep working on it, because it is obviously important in terms of me getting to be able to work.  

 I am just so afraid that my marriage is crumbling. We have been together for 10 years. I love my husband, but some times I just feel like I don't see how I can keep burning the candle from both ends so to speak. I feel like something will give.