Everyone is laughing at me
hcurley03
member
I've posted a few times on other boards but this is my first time posting here, I've been reading a lot of different threads though and they have been very helpful. I recently decided that I want to have a natural birth. I told my mom a couple weeks ago that I wanted to have a natural and she laughed at me, and doesn't seem to think I can do it (she didn't say that but that is her attitude). Then she started telling other people in a "My daughter is crazy, she thinks she is going to have a natural birth, yeah right." kind of way, and in response people usually laugh and have some sarcastic comment. My husband is supportive and everything so that helps, but I'm getting worn down by all the negativity. I'm not letting that change my mind at all though, I still want to have natural birth. I also understand that things may not go exactly as planned and that I should have an open mind and I do. But has anyone else experienced negativity when you say that you want to have a natural birth? How do you handle it?
Re: Everyone is laughing at me
That's just how many people have learned to view childbirth -- a painful, traumatic, impossible experience that needs drugs/medical intervention in order to be successful. It's what our society has taught them, and continues to reinforce through media. Our society is one that places zero value on "old fashioned" ways of doing things (like how women have been successfully having birth without medical intervention for 100,000+ years), and way too much value on "technology", "innovation", and being "advanced", even though many times those things are actually quite detrimental and/or unnecessary.
Add that to the fact that birth is an extremely personal and emotional experience for women. For someone to show confidence in doing things differently than they did can make many women feel secretly insecure about their own choices (or lack thereof). But instead of confronting those insecurities, it's easier to mock and belittle those who are making them feel that way -- basically knocking them down a peg in order to feel better about themselves.
So, don't take it personally. Their reactions aren't about you or your ability to have success with your choices. It's about them and the way they've come to perceive themselves and the world around them (which is really a pity for them, if you think about it).
Mama's Clone - 07/18/12
Well, I have to admit that was part of my determination to go natural with my 2nd. Everyone laughed and said "we'll see." So I was so darn determined to prove everyone wrong that pain meds were not an option.
And I stopped telling people, since haters are everywhere:-)
I'm so sorry that your mom reacted like that because I'm sure it's discouraging and just plain annoying too. My husband isn't fully on board with the idea of NB and I had to talk to him when he made a comment about how crazy my plans were to my MIL. It really hurt me and even though he still doesn't believe in all the merits of NB, he's agreed to publicly support me- maybe you can tell your mom how much it bothers you and she'll keep her mouth closed.
As a PP said, I don't really advertise my NB plans unless someone specically asks and even then, I kind of down-play it- like, " I hope to go without meds." Part of me feels like I'm letting down the NB community a little by not going around shouting the benefits of NB from the rafters, but I'm going to wait until I have my successful NB to do so. : ) If someone is interested in talking, I try to educate a little bit about the risks of interventions and the high rate of c-sections. (My nurse MIL was baffled when I explained to her how many people get induced now and how 1/3 of births in the US right now are c-sections...although I think she still may make a little fun of my NB plans behind my back.)
Just come running back to us when you get sick of the negativity out there in the rest of the world! : ) That's what I do.
Thanks everyone.
Like a couple of you said, I don't really do around broadcasting it either, it's my mom that's doing that.
I also agree that the fact that they think I can't do it makes me want to do it more!
I had a NB with both my boys and the reaction each time was very different. With my first my mother and aunt were saying "Just you wait, you'll be crying for the epidural" And the nurse I had in labor kept asking me if I wanted the epi and I kept refusing. Then I had my son without.
The second time not one person batted an eye. And when I went in for the induction, the nurses never even asked if I wanted the epi. They let me do what I needed to do to get through and it went just as well as it had the first time around.
This time, my mother has my sister (who is pregnant with her first) to mock and laugh at. She knows better than to try it with me, because I've proven her wrong twice.
I've gotten similar reactions for a few of my choices. My best friend laughed and called me crazy, while being supportive, even though I watched her labor in horror last summer as the hospital kept yo-yoing her on epidural and pitocin, which I believe led to her lengthy labor and eventual c-section.
I've also been called crazy by several people for my decision not to have any ultrasounds or diagnostic tests done. It's like the whole world has been brainwashed into thinking that what's "natural" is a pregnancy full of 20-30 tests and a ton of intervention in labor. I think they're crazy, personally!
Thankfully my husband and family are very supportive, and my mom went through natural pregnancy and birth with both my sister and me, so I have a great support system. Hopefully you'll find support somewhere, too. Feel free to message me if you want a like-minded person to talk to and offer support! You CAN do this, just as women have been doing it for thousands of years!
See for me it depends on who it is. That determines how I respond. If your nice and respond back with your opinion nicely I'm ok with. If your ass, I'll rip you a new one. Thank god my bf is prepared to help me and support me in our decisions.
My dad wasn't on board with the idea until I talked him through it. My mom was never big on dealing with pain and never minded having a surgery. I also told him, I don't care if you agree. You need to support me and think and speak positively. I reminded him that's what he's always taught me to do as a Christian. So now he is fully on board and happy that I'm preparing as best as possible.
I am actually thinking of having him there at delivery. My dad and I are really close but not in a creepy, lol.
So, I think if you tell people and they are rude, be rude back. Everyone likes to think they know it all.
Ugh, I hate this crap for you. I don't understand why birth has this big awful ugly reputation. SOME births are totally pleasant, manageable experiences. Why shouldn't you hope and plan for that, while keeping in mind that SOME births are not and there are other options available if needed? Why wouldn't your mom hope that for you and encourage you? Why would she want you to be fearful? I don't understand. I just want the whole culture of birth to change. I hate it so so much.
Just know you CAN do it. Don't listen to her. Don't share any more with her. Come here for support. Keep her comments deep in the back of your mind so that when it's hard, you can draw strength from that.
My husband and I decided at 8 weeks that we wanted to have a natural birth, and a few weeks ago settled on using the Hypnobirthing method. We also decided at 8 weeks, however, that we weren't going to tell anyone our decision unless they asked. Everyone just assumes that we'll be going the medicated, epi route, since they don't know anyone who hasn't. Both of my sisters-in-law did, and we knew that they would be very sensitive to our insistence that we are going natural, thinking that our opinion on that is meant to demean their abilities as mothers. Of course, it's not, we are just doing what we think is best for our family, and expect that they do the same for theirs - no judgement. But based on their reaction to our announcement that we are going to cloth diaper, we have a good idea of what their reaction to NB would be. My mother would also have a similar reaction. My MIL would be supportive, but would tell my SILs, so that's out.
If someone point blank asks us, we tell them that we're not planning on medication unless it's necessary and just leave it at that. Everyone interprets that differently, and we don't have to put up with long lectures.
If we do it naturally, which we fully expect we will, we will tell people afterwards, very casually. If not, no harm no foul and we don't have to put up with the years of judgement.
Absolutely, though not VERY negative. Mostly what I got from friends who have had children was my saying "I don't want an epidural" and them coming back with a shocked "Oh my god, dont' be brave! Get the epi!"
It took a while for me to make them understand that I would have to be way braver than I am to get an epidural, because I am scared bleepless of anything touching my spine as well as being unable to feel free to move around on my own. THAT scares me way, way worse than pain ever could!
In my experience, doing the labor and delivery without pain meds was probably on par, pain-wise, with a really bad migraine. But unlike a migraine, the pain went away predictably (except during transition phase) and it was in my body and not my head, so I could kind of go into my head to escape the pain (it's really hard to tune out migraine pain, so much easier with contractions).
I was also very lucky that due to rather specific health concerns (allergy to lidocaine, blood clotting factors) my medical professionals were all on board and supportive with making my labor and delivery as intervention free as possible, as EVERYONE on my team wanted to avoid a c-section. The birthing center even made sure that the nurse assigned to me on the day I delivered was a former midwife who had the most experience with natural childbirth.
Oh yeah, and remember, they're only laughing at you because they weren't strong enough to do it, and by telling you that you won't be, they're trying to make themselves feel better. Because if you can do it, then that means that they chickened out/can't handle the pain as well as someone else. (This is not to snark on women who chose to get epi's, etc. Your cooter, your choice. But then turning around and telling other women what they can or can't do? Not cool. Not cool at all.)
This!
Breastfeeding and pregnant!