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Working Moms
If you could SAH...
If you could stay at home, would you?
Meaning: your lifestyle would be comfortable, you'd still have funds for the "fun stuff" and you wouldn't be hurting for money, and you had the complete support of your partner and family.
Would you do it?
My husband makes a generous salary, and I'm on my second week back at work and miss my little man SO much. I never thought being a SAHM was for me, but now I'm finding that's what I think I want to do.
What are your thoughts? Which parts of staying at home do you think would worry or annoy you? Which parts do you think would be best?
My little miracle baby!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: If you could SAH...
I've kind of done it all since having kids. I've worked 32 hours a week, I've worked 15 hours a week, and recently started SAH full time.
I'd give you 2 pieces of advice if I was in your shoes. Give work another month or so and see if your feelings change. I think going back is hard in the beginning when your LO is so young. I would give it some time before making such a life altering decision. If in another month or 2 you still have a strong desire to SAH, maybe explore if you could cut back to part time, whether it be at your company in a different role or another company. That is a really nice balance I think.
To give some insight of the upside/downside of SAH, I really like having my own schedule. If it's rainy out, we can SAH all day in our pjs. If it's nice, we can spend all day outside. I do miss the adult interaction/challenges of working, but I think you can find ways to satisfy those urges in ways other than a full time job.
GL with your decision!
nope, not at all.
I'd STRONGLY suggest giving yourself much more time. You are 2 weeks into a new routine with a very young baby. Things change as time goes on.
I'd personally miss what I do, I'd miss my coworkers and clients and a part of life that is 'me' apart from being a wife and mother. I'd miss talking to people all day....I work at home now with my kids in preschool and I even miss going into the office to be honest.
I'd consider going part time but never stay at home full time. I don't have the right personality to immerse myself and do the SAHM things like classes, playdates, running errands, etc. I need my 'me' time.
I think the ideal situation would be to work part time, like maybe 15-20 hours a week. Even if daycare costs meant I broke even I would still want to stay in the working world a little bit. Either that or do freelance from home with a sitter. I think there are other ways to get adult interaction, so that is not my purpose for working, but I do find that I need my own projects and something to stimulate my brain outside of caring for others constantly. Kids are wonderful to be with and I do miss mine when I'm at work, but I also think it can get monotonous very quickly being at home all day.
I also like that I can feel needed for things other than motherly jobs, it gives me self-confience and makes me feel like I'm always learning new things. When I was on my second maternity leave I started to feel kind of out of touch with my working friends and family.
Also, it took me a good 6 months to get back into the swing of working and liking it after having DS#1 so if you think you might want to stay full time then I'd give it at least that long.
If you would have asked me two weeks ago, I would have said yes. In fact, the plan was for me to SAH in about a year. Then DH was let go last Monday. I have no desire to SAH ever now. I am so very glad to be a WM.
We all work for a variety of reasons. Give it a couple of months to get yourself in a routine. GL!
I could stay home. My husband makes well into the six figures. I would NEVER want to. I love my career.
I love my DD more than anything, but I do not enjoy being with her 24/7. I need a break from her and daycare provides much more creativity than I ever could. Plus, I need outside enrichment in my life and my career provides that.
I'm SAH against my will so to speak since I was laid off after DD was born. While I'm so very grateful to have had this time with DD, I pretty much hate it most days. I can't eat when I'm hungry or drink when I'm thirsty or pee by myself. I have a very needy child who doesn't do much (safely) on her own and she takes horrible naps. DH isn't very good about giving me "me time" although he tries... it's not enough. He also feels that, when he is home, we should split the parenting stuff 50/50. I say, if we were both working that would be appropriate but since I do 100% of the parenting most of the time, he should do more than I do when we are both home. It is rare that he is home with DD and I am not.
Hmmm... so I suppose if DH did a little more and we had money for me to hire a mother's helper for a couple hours a couple times a week, I'd be happier... every body is different. I miss working so very VERY much.
This! (except DS)
This exactly. Of course I'd have to step down from manager but thus far (back for ~5 months) I'd be okay with that decision... sigh.
Give yourself A LOT more time. I loved my job/career before DD but I was miserable for about 6 months (the entire time I was breastfeeding) after returning to work. I'm back to loving working.
I'm sure it's different when you SAH but even today I had to leave work early to relieve a sitter taking care of DD (who was too sick this am for daycare...I don't even stay home when she's sick these days) and the 3 hours until DH got home took a long time. We were at the park most of the time but my back hurt, I was hungry, and I had to pee (I'm also 8 mths pregnant) and after 2+ hours at the park with DD, I was ready for DH to get home and get some of my needs met too.
Don't get me wrong...I love spending time with her, but I couldn't do it all day. (At the park, out of the blue, she said, "Mommy, you my friend. I love you.") Right now, there are opportunities working full time that wouldn't be available part time, but if they don't pan out, I would consider part time eventually. There is not a great financial reason that I need to work except the quarter million plus my education cost and having another income if DH were to lose his job.
This.. except I have 2 DSs with a 3rd on the way. I also happen to make decent money myself, so we are socking away a decent amount even with 3 in daycare. Also, I think that if I stayed home, I'd spend a lot more on random trips to Target, etc than I do now.
I might not like my job every day, but I love having a career. I love being a working mom and showing my sons that a woman can have a career and still be a kick ass mom.
4 Fresh IVF cycles + 1 FET where embies didn't survive the thaw = 2 perfect little men!
sFET 11/9/11 - Beta 11/18 BFP!
No--I think you can still teach your children important lessons when you're not there, for example, that it's important to pursue a career that's meaningful, and that women are equals in the workplace.
However, I wouldn't say the same thing if I had a terrible 60-hour workweek like some friends of mine have had. My job is manageable and I have a flexible schedule, so I am more privileged than most.
If we had a ton of money and didn't need my income, I'd rather save for a vacation house or early retirement so that we could all benefit together.
I am torn on this I feel like I should SAH so I could cross it off my list as something I experienced in life. I also think I should work part time.
However, I am not sure I can give up my current job because I am a manager and have quite a bit of input where I work which is great. In June, I go up the next bracket in benefits, and it is 2 days vacation and 1 day sick a month which if I use it that way is three 30 hour weeks and one 40 hour week per month (almost part time with full time salary). I also get 3 personal days, one birthday, and all holidays. Probably I won't quite use the vacation and sick time like that though so that I could save it up to go away or if we were sick for a week. My boss also lets me work from home occasionally.
No. Not ever. There is too much unpredictability in life. I like having a job, knowing I can support us if I have to, knowing I can carry benefits and insurance, am creating a pension for myself. I hate to put all the stress on my husband. There are way too many things that could possibly change and I would stay home thinking about all of them. Primary reason is that the divorce rate is around 50%.
Do I get a nanny and housekeeper?
I honestly couldn't do it. My guy is a SAHD, and he's mentally/emotionally equipped for that role. I go bonkers after about five hours. If I stayed at home, I would seriously need a nanny and a housekeeper, and I'd "work" on other stuff that I already do in addition to my full-time job -- edit my magazine, work on my own writing, etc.
So I guess I'd just really write/edit full-time instead of being a professor/writer/editor full-time.
Mac and cheese lover!
nope. I love my job, and I am a crap sahm.
Though I would stay home with my 3 year old and send my 1 year old to daycare right now
Did you really just say that? There is no point in making that comment other than to make SAHM's feel infierior. You can teach you child any lesson you want weather you SAH or work. Not all people that SAH feel like working mom's "don't raise their own children" so you might want to get your head out of the clouds before you get a nosebleed.
ABSOLUTELY! I never thought I would want to, but as soon as I took a look at my DD, I knew I would rather be with her than at work. It was much harder to come back than I thought it would be.
I would like knowing that DD was taken care of by me, I could give her my full attention, I would know what she's eating, when she's sleeping, why she's fussing. I also worry about her getting sick all the time being in d/c. I know it's typical but it's soooo hard sending her to d/c when she doesn't feel good. I would also love not having the stress and worry about working.
I think the parts I wouldn't like are making sure she is getting enough stimulation for her age. She gets a lot of good interaction at daycare and I'm not sure I could provide that kind of structured environment. I also worry about having adult interaction. The majority of my social network is through work, we don't have a lot of friends outside work, so I would feel isolated and I would have to seek out playgroups and activities for us to stay engaged.
I don't think she meant to bash SAHMs at all. I do think one of the most meaningful things you can teach your children is to pursue something that they enjoy in life and that they can be proud of. For some that is being at home, for some that is a career, for some it's a hobby, for others it's winning the olympics....that's how I took that comment. I didn't see her comment to mean that being a SAHM isn't meaningful...just that others find meaning in different ways.
I don't think she meant anything other than what she said. She's talking about teaching by example, which is really admirable. I know we have a wide variety of ages and backgrounds on the board, but being in my mid-30s and from a rural place, when I was a young child, I never saw women who had careers other than my teachers or the nurses at the doctor's office. And even if your teachers told you, "Women can be doctors, lawyers, etc." I don't think it would have meant as much as if I'd seen it, and what better place to see it than at home?
I think you might be being overly sensitive to what she's saying. I don't think she intended to make anyone feel inferior at all.
Mac and cheese lover!
Yes, thank you! I didn't mean that at all--I just think that one of the arguments people give for staying at home is that you can teach your children more yourself at home, which is one reason so many women stay at home, but I wanted to say that working outside the home also teaches them important lessons about work and life. So sorry if I caused offense.
yes. But the best situation for me is working part-time. Hope we could afford it soon.
about your question on what would worry or annoy me about staying at home? Maybe, burn out from chores or not having much adult human interaction. The best thing of course is being able to watch LO closely
I would not want to SAH full-time. I would be a terrible SAHW and Mom. It's not in my blood at all.
If we could afford it, I might move to a part-time position, but even then, I'm not so sure.
Yes, I would. I think my ideal would be to work like 2 days/week, but where can I find that?
Right now, I feel overwhelmed most of the time. I'm burnt out and don't feel like I'm pulling my weight at work, but don't care. I feel like there are always things at home I want to be doing. My DH is gone until after bedtime most evenings and usually works at least one weekend day. SAH seems like it would just allow us to do the things we need/want to do w/out being in a total rush all the time.I.e. I feel like I have FT+ tasks at home and am just letting stuff go.
I'd like to enjoy this stage more with my kids. I also would like to experience a "SAH" kind of life before I miss the chance--time flies so fast and I'll never have the chance to try this again.
I'd like to start more of a social circle in my own town. I work 1/2 hour away and my pre-kid friends are spread out all over the local area, but I'm too busy to start building a life here right now. I'd love to do some little classes and moms club stuff w/ my kids (and this assumes I have the money to hire a sitter for the other child!).
I feel like I could get things more under control and have a better routine at home, have more time to exercise, more time to make healthy meals.
Flexibility to work around DH's difficult schedule to get more family time.
I am trying to stick it out until we have a third child but these things are all the reasons I want to make a change at that point. I also don't want to go back again with a newborn and the total sleep deprivation and pumping and all of that..ugh!
All that said, I agree w/ PPs who said to give it more time.
What I worry about?
Enough patience. I'm really patient, and tonight I could hardly hold it together.
Being w/ the kids ALL the time w/ DH gone so much...I feel like we need someone here more b/c of his schedule, yet I think it's hard to have everything fall on me for SO much of the time!! SAHMs always talk about how happy they are when DH gets home and they can get a little "me time." I would plan to have child care one day a week if possible to run errands, meet friends for lunch, etc.
The idea of not contributing financially is weird.
Loss of the security of my income and benefits.
Loss of the connection I have now to the whole downtown business world. I work in fundraising and know many top players in the community, attend events, etc, and I would completely lose that sphere of my life. Whether or not I care depends on the day!
Loss of future career opportunities. I think I may want to change careers anyway, but I have a lot of opportunities now if I would stick w/ my field that I may lose by leaving my job.
Loss of financial independence to some degree. Right now, I feel like I can buy an expensive toy or book on Amazon here and there, or pair of shoes, or go to lunch, without really stressing. I have my own bank account and DH and I maintain a fair amount of independence. I think the transition to not having "my own" income would be tough.
Good luck w/ your decision!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Hell no. Coming to work is a nice break for me. I go nuts when I'm stuck at home. If there is one thing I've learned from motherhood, it is that I need a lot more personal time than I ever realized before kids.
ETA: I guess I should offer a disclaimer that I only work 4 days a week. There is no way I could work 5 days a week. Ideally, I'd love to get off maybe one hour earlier per day, or maybe half days on Fridays. Although, soon, my work starts its summer hours (work closes at 3 on Fridays). Can't wait!