Terrible relationship with MW...a threat to my birth plan?
ateal2490
member
A little mini back story:
I am being seen by a team of midwives (there are 5 and one OB) and delivering at the local hospital. The midwives rotate so that you can meet each one (seeing as any given MW could be on call when you go into labor) but recently I've been put with one particular midwife who's made the rest of this process nearly unbearable.
Despite the fact that my records clearly indicate that prior to becoming pregnant I was diagnosed with a eating disorder (that had lasted 10 years prior) this MW didn't hesitate to scold me on my weight gain and advise me to cut all carbs from my diet, lest I end up a "fat vegetarian." That appointment had me in tears. I've seen her twice since and she hasn't been any nicer. I've requested to not see her anymore, but with the clinics workload, that request can't be filled. Even if it was, she could still be the one on call when I go into labor.
I have this terrible feeling that her presence could really mess up my plans for a natural birth. I am not comfortable with her, nor do I trust her, and the very thought of her delivering my baby makes my skin crawl.
Changing OB's isn't an option because this clinic is the only one with midwives that will deliver at the local hospital and is covered by Tricare (military insurance). Otherwise I'll be forced to go to the on-post hospital and the atmosphere there does not at all seem natural birth friendly at all.
What do I do? I haven't even had the chance to talk about my birth plan at all, as this MW has seen me for my last 4 visits and always walks right out after she measures my fundal height and checks LO's heart rate. She asked if I had any questions once...as she was walking out the door.
Can this really threaten my birth plan? I'm terrified that it will and don't know how to proceed from here. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation?
Re: Terrible relationship with MW...a threat to my birth plan?
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a horrible experience with your midwives. I'm a Tricare beneficiary also, so I know how rough it can be to find a practice that you like. I too had a midwife that I did not particularly like. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I became high risk though and was able to request to see the one midwife consistently - until I was induced.
Have you talked to people who have delivered on post? Have you gone in for yourself to check it out and ask questions? I delivered on post. I had heard some great stories, and some not so great stories so I was feeling very apprehensive about delivering at the base hospital. But when I went in for the hospital tour and my lamaze classes, they answered all my questions and I felt very comfortable there.
I was going to have a natural birth, I had some medical reasons why I wasn't able to, but the on post hospital that I was at was open to natural birth plans and none of the midwives/drs tried to talk me into anything that I didn't want.
If you haven't made an appointment to check out the on post hospital, I high suggest that you do. And if you have and you still do not like it, I am so very sorry.
I really do wish that our hospital had an amazing labor and delivery wing...this would be so much easier. The reason I went for the other option was because of the experience my friend had delivering there. She did say that the staff was friendly, but she did end up sharing a room and her H was not allowed to stay the night after her LO was born. He had to leave at 10pm. I really don't understand the reasoning for that, but it really turns me off. I want H to be allowed to stay with me...its crucial for the bonding time... I want us to be able to enjoy our new family...all three of us. If I hadn't heard her story, I think I probably would have switched back over to Prime and just started fresh at the on-post hospital... I would have to give up my water-birth, but with the way this MW acts, it would almost be worthwhile.
I sort of assumed they weren't NB friendly because of the eyebrow raise I got when I went in and asked if there were any NB classes held there (there aren't) .
But if this gets worse, I may have to seriously consider a switch...whoa, that idea is scary at 35w....
I would be telling the receptionist I am not going to see that MW and I would also be filing a grievance over it. Every place lets you file a complaint/grievence. Usually the head people handle it.
You had an eating disorder and she's saying you're going to get fat because you're eating healthy and gaining weight. She needs to get an effin clue and learn how to be professional! If it wasn't for patients that MW wouldn't have a job and she needs to stop being rude! Doctors aren't allowed to be like that so why in the hell would she think it would be acceptable for her to do that crap?
I'm mad for you!
oh my goodness, honey, i'm so sorry. this blows my mind. how could someone who has gone through so much training about probably worked with so many women still be so clueless and insensitive not only to someone who has struggled with an ED but someone who is trusting them and their facility as a place to bring their babe into the world?!! absolutely ridiculous.
i agree, go above her head and let someone else know what's going on. you may not be the first person to complain and maybe something can be worked out so that any of the other 4 MWs can assist you. And if, for some reason she does end up being part of your beautiful birth story just remember that this is your birth and no misinformed, insensitive so called MW can take that away. she's supposed to be working for you!
I think you need to write to their office in a polite but firm manner. Express your desire to remain a patient and your general happiness with their services, but outline the issues you have had with the specific MW including dates where possible. Don't overstate or misstate anything that was exchanged between you, but tell them that your concerns are for subsequent appointments and for deliverly. On a going-forward basis you would like to see an improvement in your relationship with this particular MW, express how that can be accomplished in very specific terms, but also with the recognition that a MW has a job to do and can't always accommodate.
For instance, she may feel she's doing you a disservice by keeping her mouth shut about weight gain. She may feel obligated to mention something, but her method is all wrong for your case. Perhaps requesting an open discussion about weight gain rather than a lecture from her is what you need. Obviously she also needs to temper her comments... you're not besties afterall, you're a patient and a medical professional. Calling someone "Fat" or telling them they're going to be "fat" in a clinical setting is not appropriate.
At the end of the day this is a service that you are paying for, the group is not being charitable with you and you don't have to put up with inexcusable behaviour simply becuase your options are limited.
I agree. If the compliant process doesn't work, I agree that having someone who makes you feel uncomfortable at your birth can affect your birth. Isn't that the premise of Ina May's sphincter theory?
If you can't change practices and might end up with her despite your complaints, I think you should get a tough woman (doula, girlfriend, sister, mom) who will stand up to this midwife if you are feeling threatened during labor. It will help empower you and most friends/doulas love to help a laboring mom feel supported even if they have to step on toes.
...baby #3 is here...
Agreed 100%!
I saw a team of 8 CNMs and there was one I never liked. Not anywhere near as bad as yours, but just rubbed me the wrong way. I knew 2 other women who went to that practice and they felt the same, loved all of them but her. Figured there was only a 1 in 8 chance of having her catch my baby so the odds were in my favor. Wouldn't you know it she was the one on-call that day! Thankfully I had an L & D nurse who was beyond fabulous and DH and MIL as my support. Plus the hospital was very pro-natural childbirth, so I knew I wasn't going to have to fight the system. I only saw my CNM 3 times in the seven hours I spent at the hospital and that was just fine with me. She did fine catching DD and I had a great experience overall. I think if you can stack the odds in your favor by surrounding yourself in a warm bubble of support, you will do just fine. Besides it might not even be her!
Ugh, so sad to hear things are not any better with her.
My only suggestion for the birth plan would be to print out six of your birth plan and ask the receptionist (if they have one) or whoever you see when you first arrive how you can get a copy to anyone involved in your care on the big day, so they have it in advance. If they won't look at it yet, you should assign your H the job of making sure your care provider gets it and reads it while you are in triage (if that's how they do it there). You should not have to worry about this when you're in labor!
As far as seeing that MW, can you find out the rotation ahead of time? If you labor at home for as long as is appropriate and see that waiting an extra half hour to go in means you won't have to see her, maybe you can stick it out that extra half hour or something to make sure you don't have to deal with her. I know that even if you find out, the information may not help you, but then again, it might.
Good luck!
That's a great idea! I think they each have their own days that they are on call. That would be so much better.
And as far as the tough doula goes, hopefully my mom can make it. She knows her sh*t and wouldn't allow the MW to continuously upset me.
Great suggestions, ladies! Thank you