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Blended Families
Small vent
I will first say, yes I am quite irritated with DH at times and his ability to let BM pretty much walk all over him.
I am not sure if anyone remembers, but last year we had temporary custody of SD, SS was at BM's still, lots of problems were arising at BM's house and she was calling SD a b**** and SD was hitting and yelling at her step sisters. We worked with SD for a few months, while her mom wanted nothing to do with her. One day SD said she wanted to go back to BM's. that everything was fine again. We talked to SD and said that it might not be as comfortable as she may think, but if she wants to go back then we are okay with that. BM had come around some and was going to counseling with SD and SD was doing good around her step sisters. In the end it ended up being fine for SD to go back and SD is very happy.
Well, we decided to move last Fall. DH was not finding any jobs and the job I had (it is work at home since I'm disabled) was not available in my state anymore, so we would have no money what so ever. We also were constantly being threatened by BM and her new husband (when SD lived with us BM tried to break down our door and her husband constantly threatened to beat DH up). We did not feel safe. Also, being disabled DH needed a support system to care for me if he needed help, which I have where we moved.
Things have been good, BM and DH don't fight, the kids are doing well and we talk to them a lot. The problem now is redoing the parenting plan. SD only wants to come for 3 weeks because we used to have her eat kids meals (when she was under 12) and we used to check her facebook and she says we lie to her (not true at all!). She is 15 and I expect her to be a teen and not want to spend her summer here. SS (he will be 12 soon) wants to be here for 4 weeks, since that is what BM will allow. We also wanted 2 weeks at Christmas every other year and spring Break every other year. BM will only allow 1 week at Christmas every other year and the Spring Break the other year. At first, she was only going to allow SS to come for 3 weeks, but DH said it was unfair to limit SS because SD is only wanting to come 3 weeks. He wants SD here longer too, but BM says she will not make SD come any longer than she wants.
I have told DH to just file with the courts and go through a judge so we can get more, but he doesn't want there to be a fight. We would love 6 or 8 weeks and as many holidays as we can, but we know only a fight in court would grant us this.
I guess I'm just irritated at the reasoning for SD not coming for longer. I mean if we were mean to her I understand, but the things she is accusing us of are not bad. I also wish BM would stop saying I don't want SD to hate me forever and she has to make her own choices to learn.
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Re: Small vent
He NEEDS to fight for more. Accepting less time with your kids because he doesn't want the hassle of a fight just isn't right. (and not fair to the kids)
If he gives up so easily kids could see that as not caring very much. (even when it's the kids who are saying they don't want to come they might look back later on and wonder why they weren't worth a fight)
Okay, trying again! I have been trying to respond.
When SD moved out she completely changed with her attitude toward us. She started to never talk to us, even though we certainly tried. She would cross her arms and sit the entire weekend. When we tried to do things she just moped around. I don't know why this happened, but I have a feeling. BM has never tried to help a relationship between the kids and DH. She has even had SD WRITE the email to DH when BM was bad mouthing DH.
I think DH is worried about how SD will be when she is here if we are forcing her to be here. He wants SS to have a good time and is scared SD will ruin that. They are very close.
He has been fighting with BM over this and keeps telling her that they should be making this decision, not SD. She says, no matter what, she will never force SD to come. I think if we do get more time she will make it a "oh your dad is so horrible for forcing this on you."
I hope I can convince him to go even further, and not just agree, but he has to make that call.
I agree with PPs about not allowing a 15 year old dictate the parenting plan. I don't know how far you and your husband live from the kids, but it sounds like a significant distance if you're only able to have summers and holidays. From personal experience, I know how difficult long distance visitation agreements can be.
My XH lives in TN and the kids and I are in CA. Our visitation schedule is as follows: he gets the kids for their winter break odd years, spring break even years, and 2 weeks every summer. I wrote it up so he gets them twice a year. Unfortunately the school district we're in doesn't give much time off for thanksgiving, just that Thursday and Friday. My kids are 12 and 8, almost 13 and 9. One week seems too short at Christmas time, they barely have time to enjoy their visit. However, 3 weeks during the Summer has been too hard. We tried it a couple times and they were miserable. Especially since they are both in football and cheer and summer break is when they have camp and "hell week". If they weren't involve in those activities though, I would try to extend their visit longer.
It sounds like despite the move, your husband has made every effort to stay involved and maintain a relationship with the kids. I agree, he should fight for more time. Kids need their fathers, they might not think so right now but later they'll wish they could get that wasted time back. Good luck.
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Thank you guys for the replies! I do get irritated with DH and do comment on his attitude sometimes toward this. He is a really good father and loves his kids. This move has been very hard on him, but it was the best decision. I will definitely keep talking to him, and hopefully he sees the need to go to court. I know he hates it, but sometimes it is what you have to do.
Sorry I don't post on here much, I feel like when I do I am complaining, but my health has been poor and I sleep, eat, or work right now.
I have changed my screen name since last time you were here but I do remember you.
I think 15 year old girls are just SOOOOO difficult. My SD starting having issues with everyone at that age. With theropy (1st by herself, then with DH, and then with me) she got back to her normal self. Now she is a well adjusted 16 year old that knows she will be present for visitation. The fight was so worth it. Stay strong!