If I have to hear that I didn't *actually* give birth one more time...

CheezeFace

...I'm going to scratch somebody's eyeballs out.

 I had a c-section.  I never went into labor.  So what?

This is the conversation I just had:

Her:  "Oh.  You had a c-section?"

Me:  "Yep."

Her: "How are you doing?"

Me:  "I'm really good.  Almost 100%"

Her:  "Well, I guess since you didn't actually have to give birth or anything...."

Me:  "Did you have a vaginal delivery? How are you feeling?"

Her:  "Yes.  I'm OK but..."

Me:  "Well, I guess since you didn't actually have to recover or anything..."

The End.

 Where do we learn as women that it is OK to be judgy over something like this?  If anything, the birth of our children should bond us as women more than anything else.  This is probably the 4th conversation where someone told me that I didn't "give birth" since I've returned to work. 

I probably should have been nicer, huh?

blush64

I agree, there is way too much judgement surrounding how babies are born and how we choose to labour.

It's wrong to suggest someone who had a c-section didn't "give birth", it's also wrong to suggest someone who gave birth vaginally doesn't need to recover.

It's so frustrating! I also wanted to add it's awful when women are made to feel like they failed unless they birth without meds. Birthing without meds doens't make a woman a better person or better mother.

We certainly do need to support each other and stop trying to tear each other down.

 

CheezeFace

blush64:

I agree, there is way too much judgement surrounding how babies are born and how we choose to labour.

It's wrong to suggest someone who had a c-section didn't "give birth", it's also wrong to suggest someone who gave birth vaginally doesn't need to recover.

It's so frustrating! I also wanted to add it's awful when women are made to feel like they failed unless they birth without meds. Birthing without meds doens't make a woman a better person or better mother.

We certainly do need to support each other and stop trying to tear each other down.

That was my point.  It was snark. I know that a woman needs to recover from any type of birth.

That's why I suggested at the end that I probably should have been nicer.

FYI - I went to lunch with her and explained why saying what she said could be interpreted as kind of, well, awful.  She had never thought about it from my point of view. I also apologized for being snarky...it was uncalled for and I should have handeled it better. 

NewMrs07

You didn't endure labor pains but the aftermath of a c/s ain't no bed of roses. I gave birth vaginally and my recovery was somewhat fast compared to my friends who had c/s's. I would never tell them they didn't give birth, that sounds ridiculous!

blush64

CheezeFace:

blush64:

I agree, there is way too much judgement surrounding how babies are born and how we choose to labour.

It's wrong to suggest someone who had a c-section didn't "give birth", it's also wrong to suggest someone who gave birth vaginally doesn't need to recover.

It's so frustrating! I also wanted to add it's awful when women are made to feel like they failed unless they birth without meds. Birthing without meds doens't make a woman a better person or better mother.

We certainly do need to support each other and stop trying to tear each other down.

That was my point.  It was snark. I know that a woman needs to recover from any type of birth.

That's why I suggested at the end that I probably should have been nicer.

FYI - I went to lunch with her and explained why saying what she said could be interpreted as kind of, well, awful.  She had never thought about it from my point of view. I also apologized for being snarky...it was uncalled for and I should have handeled it better. 

Nope, although I was just saying they are both wrong and that I agree with you about women being better to each other I do NOT think you should have been nicer. Maybe when she hears that she'll reconsider what she said.

rsrn02

CheezeFace:

...I'm going to scratch somebody's eyeballs out.

 I had a c-section.  I never went into labor.  So what?

This is the conversation I just had:

Her:  "Oh.  You had a c-section?"

Me:  "Yep."

Her: "How are you doing?"

Me:  "I'm really good.  Almost 100%"

Her:  "Well, I guess since you didn't actually have to give birth or anything...."

Me:  "Did you have a vaginal delivery? How are you feeling?"

Her:  "Yes.  I'm OK but..."

Me:  "Well, I guess since you didn't actually have to recover or anything..."

The End.

 Where do we learn as women that it is OK to be judgy over something like this?  If anything, the birth of our children should bond us as women more than anything else.  This is probably the 4th conversation where someone told me that I didn't "give birth" since I've returned to work. 

I probably should have been nicer, huh?

Umm hello a c/s is major abdominal surgery and takes 6-8 wks to just be able to lift something heavier than your baby.  

I liked your response

But good for you for explaining your response as well. That was more mature than I am. 

LauraLynneC

...because I dont' feel like enough of a failure.  Thankyouverymuch.  (not aimed at you ladies...)

(my own feelings about my c-section - I'm working through them - stalled labor, baby stuck - my body just didn't do what it was 'supposed' to do...I'm considering counseling)

Doodle2011

How ridiculous.  You had a baby.  Albeit via c-section and not vaginally, but it came out of your body one way or another!  Gosh people really do get all up into feeling privy to details when it comes to pregnancy, so uncouth.  You should have just said something crass like "well although it's true I didn't get the chance to blow out my vag into mudflaps, I still gave birth". 

CheezeFace

NewMrs07:

You didn't endure labor pains but the aftermath of a c/s ain't no bed of roses. I gave birth vaginally and my recovery was somewhat fast compared to my friends who had c/s's. I would never tell them they didn't give birth, that sounds ridiculous!

See this is just it....I think because when most people think of "birthing" they think of the verb, the action of pushing or enduring.  For me, and for many others, "birthing" means bringing a baby into this world safely...however that may be. 

Someone said this same exact thing to me a week ago and I kept my comment to myself but I thought, "yeah, well, you didn't endure weeks of undiagnosed liver failure or GD or blinding migraines...."  And this isn't fair, either.  This is no different than how they view my birth. 

Every pregnancy is so different, it's not a competition as to who can stand the most discomfort.

 I made the best choice for me and for my family.  We tried induction but were getting nowhere and LO had just failed his 3rd biophysical.  It was time for him to come out. (as an aside...the cord was wrapped around his neck--twice--so I would have ended up with a c/s after laboring anyway so it could have been much worse).  This C-Section saved his life, possibly mine, and delivered a beautiful baby into the world. 

CheezeFace

LauraLynneC:

...because I dont' feel like enough of a failure.  Thankyouverymuch.  (not aimed at you ladies...)

(my own feelings about my c-section - I'm working through them - stalled labor, baby stuck - my body just didn't do what it was 'supposed' to do...I'm considering counseling)

I'm so sorry you are dealing with these feelings.  You aren't the only one. Just out of curiosity, how has your recovery been?

LauraLynneC

CheezeFace:

I'm so sorry you are dealing with these feelings.  You aren't the only one. Just out of curiosity, how has your recovery been?

 

My recovery was nothing short of a miracle.  I didn't take any pain pills, I was back to life as usual when I left the hospital - even my OB was shocked.  I had a seroma (fluid build up under the scar) so my incision had to be completely re-opened and my DH had to clean and pack the incision for weeks until it finally healed closed - but even that didn't slow me down.  I'm truly amazed at how "easy" it was.  The mental part is something I'm only recently dealing with (or NOT dealing with).  This post just struck a nerve...thank you (sincerely)

NewMrs07

CheezeFace:

NewMrs07:

You didn't endure labor pains but the aftermath of a c/s ain't no bed of roses. I gave birth vaginally and my recovery was somewhat fast compared to my friends who had c/s's. I would never tell them they didn't give birth, that sounds ridiculous!

See this is just it....I think because when most people think of "birthing" they think of the verb, the action of pushing or enduring.  For me, and for many others, "birthing" means bringing a baby into this world safely...however that may be. 

Someone said this same exact thing to me a week ago and I kept my comment to myself but I thought, "yeah, well, you didn't endure weeks of undiagnosed liver failure or GD or blinding migraines...."  And this isn't fair, either.  This is no different than how they view my birth. 

Every pregnancy is so different, it's not a competition as to who can stand the most discomfort.

 I made the best choice for me and for my family.  We tried induction but were getting nowhere and LO had just failed his 3rd biophysical.  It was time for him to come out. (as an aside...the cord was wrapped around his neck--twice--so I would have ended up with a c/s after laboring anyway so it could have been much worse).  This C-Section saved his life, possibly mine, and delivered a beautiful baby into the world. 

 

Of course. I agree with you, "birthing" is bringing a baby out into the world, no matter what method. I had an epidural, that doesn't make me less of a woman b/c I didn't go the "natural" way and endured hours and hours of horrible pain. Honestly, pushing 1.5 hrs was exhausting. In South America, women schedule c/s's b/c they don't want to stretch out "down there". Although I think that's crazy, I can understand that. One of my friends tore so badly that she was incontinent for a few months and is scheduling a c/s for baby #2.

CheezeFace

LauraLynneC:

CheezeFace:

I'm so sorry you are dealing with these feelings.  You aren't the only one. Just out of curiosity, how has your recovery been?

 

My recovery was nothing short of a miracle.  I didn't take any pain pills, I was back to life as usual when I left the hospital - even my OB was shocked.  I had a seroma (fluid build up under the scar) so my incision had to be completely re-opened and my DH had to clean and pack the incision for weeks until it finally healed closed - but even that didn't slow me down.  I'm truly amazed at how "easy" it was.  The mental part is something I'm only recently dealing with (or NOT dealing with).  This post just struck a nerve...thank you (sincerely)

Same here.  My recovery was a breeze.  I took pain meds in the hospital but none after I got home...I didn't feel like I needed them...I was up to walking 2-3 miles in a week or so.  I haven't had any of the negative feelings emotionally but so many of the mommies I know feel the same way you do.  Hang in there.  And maybe talking to someone with experience in these matters is a good idea.

racampbell1

Wow.  I am shocked that someone would say to you that having a C isn't "giving birth".  That is just crazy.  And I agree with all the pps that it doesn't matter how baby gets here, what's important is that baby gets here safely and without causing unnecessary risk to baby or mama.  Its really that simple.  Isn't it??  There's so much unnecessary "competition" between women, about birth, breastfeeding (or not), working outside the home (or not).  Jeez, let's just all try and give each other a break, shall we?   

BrideBuddies

If you didn't really "give birth," that must mean you are still carrying your baby, right?

Oh wait.. you DID have the baby.

Well, it musta been by some miracle that the baby clawed his way outside if you didn't really give birth!

<can you feel the sarcasm dripping off that post!>

 

stever

People suck, and mean girls can suck it!

stever

fredalina:

My old coworker told me THREE TIMES that I did things "the easy way" by adopting. "You know, if you really think about it." I wrote him a letter should he ever bring it up a fourth time detailing the years of endometriosis, the treatments including induced menopause, the pain lasting at times three plus weeks out of every months, the three surgeries, the years of IF, the disappointment and struggle, the solid year it took to get approved to adopt, the way it felt when we thought we were going to lose her, the pain of the other placements, etc etc etc. But yeah, my way was "easy". I hear you, sister!

DH's cousin has endo. She TTC for 10 years before finally adopting, then she adopted again 2 years later.

Her kids now are 2 and 4, so yay!, but she just had to miss several months of work and have her mom look after her kids because she was passing out and losing so much blood. 'Easy' way indeed.

urbanflowerpot

Oh yuck. I get "well, at least he was little so it wasn't as bad." Uhm. First, we'll never know on the pain-scale whose was the worst - next, it doesn't matter - finally, I would much rather have known what it was like to push out a healthy watermelon than to be surrounded by neos while listening to my baby's heartrate slow and almost stop with every contraction. Believe me! I hate the judgies.

LauraLynneC

fredalina:

My old coworker told me THREE TIMES that I did things "the easy way" by adopting. "You know, if you really think about it." I wrote him a letter should he ever bring it up a fourth time detailing the years of endometriosis, the treatments including induced menopause, the pain lasting at times three plus weeks out of every months, the three surgeries, the years of IF, the disappointment and struggle, the solid year it took to get approved to adopt, the way it felt when we thought we were going to lose her, the pain of the other placements, etc etc etc. But yeah, my way was "easy". I hear you, sister!

 

This makes me sad.  As women we should really have compassion for one another.  Period.  Support and understanding - not judging.  That goes for every topic.  I  have an adopted brother but I RARELY use the word "adopted" to describe him - he is my brother.  I don't care who's womb he came from. 

jlw2505

That is just so crazy - sorry, no matter how you give birth, you are still giving birth.  WTF??  I would have said the same thing.  I gave birth both ways with my 2 kids and honestly, there are easy and hard and good and bad to both ways but they are certainly both giving birth!

newbee36

I get that often too! Yes, I did not give a vaginal birth, but I did give a birth the way that I had to. And no, you were not rude. I might have responded in the same way as you did.

mommytoconnor

I totally agree. It's total BS that people say you didn't give birth. You did.  Just because you didn't push it out thru your vagina doesn't lessen the fact that you gave birth to a baby.  I just don't get why people think this is ok. And to answer your final question as to you should have been nicer, well my answer is HELL NO.

MrsJordanalmond

what is really sad is that i'm more judgy of my 2 c/s than anyone else is.

my head understands the logical, rational reasons - my heart still feels like a failure. a friend had a vbac the other day, and i'm ecstatic for her, and sad all over again for myself.

so yes, would be nice if other didn't give us crap since we probably give ourselves enough. 

genekelly

I have to say that until I actually had a c-section, I had no idea how rough the recovery would be.  It sounded so "easy" ie no pushing a baby out through a somewhat small hole!  In hindsight, I was stupid and now think that c-sec or vaginal, it's hard work!  FWIW, I'm glad you weren't so nice about it.  Maybe she'll think next time before opening her mouth!

miss1991

I had four birth's my first three where all vaginally and my last was in July and I had a c-section. It is all the same outcome! A beautiful baby. Some people are just ignorant. Plain.and.simple.