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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
How do you handle the household comparisons?
CFjo2010
member
K has always compared the two households, and I'm sure it's completely normal for children of blended families as well as all 6 year olds to compare the different ways people live. In the past my husband and I have always just given K very vanilla answers when she makes the comparisons. A simple, "different families do different things" use to settle the matter. But now it's becoming more complicated. Now there are a lot of follow up questions that require a more in depth answer that we frankly aren't comfortable giving.
We live in a 4 bedroom house and K shares a room with my 8 year old. We maintain Disneyland passes and both have vehicles. BM lives with her mother, stepfather, and 3 brothers. K shares a bedroom with BM, grandma and her 14 year old uncle. BM hasn't had a vehicle in about a year and a half and refuses to work more than 10-15 hours a week. Obviously there's a very noticeable difference in the living situations. This past month or so has been flooded with questions from K.
A little over a month ago I was in a car accident and my car was totaled. We got a new car right away. K made a comment about Mommy still not having a car and how she hasn't "for a really long time". My husband explain to K that I had to get a car right away because I work and pick all 3 kids up and don't have anyone who can help me. Then he said how lucky Mommy is to have Grandma and BF and other friends to help out. That seemed to appease K and she dropped it. Another day she asked me why she has to share a room with Mommy and Grandma and her Uncle at BM's, but with us she only shares a room with her sister. Instead of directly answering her question, I told her how there are children who have to live in shelters because they've lost their homes an how blessed we are to live in nice houses with our families. Again, normally this type of answer would have done the trick and she'd be done. But then K asked again why she has to share a room with 3 other people. I had no idea how to answer. I told her she should ask Daddy if she had more questions, which I'm sure I shouldn't have. The questions are becoming more frequent, and vanilla answers just don't work anymore.
My husband and I are concerned. While we don't feel like we need to "defend" our living situation or our finances, we almost have to. My husband is worried (as am I) that K might become resentful. Resentful of us for not removing her from the less than ideal situation with BM or for helping BM do more for K (K has asked in the past if we give Mommy money). Or resentful of BM for not doing better for her. How do we handle these questions? As anybody else had the problem with the child becoming resentful of the different living situations?
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Re: How do you handle the household comparisons?
Sometimes the answer "I don't know" will work. It should be BM's responsibility to explain why this kid has to share a room with 3 people at her house...not yours.
SS knows that he shares a room (and a bed) with BM when he goes to visit her EOW because she lives at home with her parents, has no job, and therefore has no money. However, SS is 8 and has figured most of this out by himself. No one here told him his mother doesn't have a job, kids are smart.
But honestly, how would you know why BM doesn't have a car? Or why she lives in a bedroom with her brother (weird right?)? I would answer those questions with "I really don't know kiddo, you'll have to talk to your mommy about that".
There is absolutely nothing wrong with:
A) directing her back to her mother to get the answers to questions on issues that directly lie with BM's decisions. NOTHING!
BM has a continual need to play poor. And DH has always tried to excuse her, sugar coat it to the point of cavities and deflect until SS goes away.
But after her stunt with NOT paying for SS to go to her for HER Visitation at Christmas two years ago and then implying that it was our fault. DH has now stopped.
STARTING the commentary is wrong, defending yourself is not.
I think DH should bring it up with BM and in a way that is not accusing her of anything, but in a way like, "Hey, we're getting these kinds of questions and this is how we are responding. We know your situation is tough, and we aren't judging you for it, we just want you to know we are trying to answer in the most reasonable and healthy way possible."
Maybe that's not an easy conversation to have, and maybe she'll take it the wrong way - you know her better obviously, but she needs to know her child is feeling this way. Maybe it will spur her to provide something better for her child. But then again, I'm not exactly known for being sympathetic and understanding under-achievers and why they do the things they do and don't do. I'm just throwing it out there for consideration if you think DH might be able to handle that kind of conversation effectively.
We've felt weird telling K to ask her mom about these issues, but I have a feeling we'll have to start doing it. Any answers we've given have been neutral but you ladies are right: kids are smart and they'll figure things out in their own.
Illumine we have the similar problem with BM "playing poor". She has told my husband (and K) that she could afford more if he paid her more CS. For several months we were voluntarily paying more than the CO required in an effort to help her out more. Then we found out she was turning down shifts and cut out a lot of her availability for work, so my husband went back to only paying the CO amount.
At this point, I think you are both right. From now in I think our responses will just be, "I'm really not sure honey, but maybe your mom can answer that for you.".
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Oh man, I wish that would work!! My husband actually tried something similar to this last month. He emailed BM and suggested the 2 of them get together and brainstorm some answers for these questions. He thought if K was receiving the same type of answer at both households then she wouldn't feel that either parent was "to blame". Unfortunately BM didn't feel the same way. She basically told my husband that if we weren't "flaunting" our money then K wouldn't be comparing the 2 households. Maybe she'll be more open to talking with him about it if K starts directing the questions at her. This whole situation is just crappy.
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This!
And if SD ever asks why you didn't pull her out of that situation with BM you can explain how courts won't take away custody based on only that but how you worked to make your household the best it could be for her
Hahaha wow! Yeah we go at least a few times a month. It's one of the few things all 3 kids (ages 12, 8 and 6) can agree on and enjoy doing. We're about 15 minutes from Disneyland and it's so nice on random afternoons to just say, "Let's go to Disneyland and get out of the house".
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We had Disney passes for 8 years, just recently I stopped renewing them because we weren't going. I lived about 15 minutes south of Disneyland, now I am a little further in south oc.
Hahahaha we should!!!
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We can start our own Stepmom support group
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Where in south oc do you live? I lived in Tustin Ranch until 3 years ago when I moved to san juan capistrano where my husband lives.