DH issues and going back to work

KatieMarie27

I only have 2 more weeks of maternity leave and I'm really scared of what is going to happen to my sanity when I go back to work.  I'm fine with working and leaving my baby - I've went in to work a couple of afternoons already and was fine.  My issue is that I'm going to be so sleep deprived and getting more and more frustrated with DH.  DH doesn't help out at night because "he works too hard and needs his sleep"  He does physical labor, is paid hourly, and works whatever hours he chooses (which tends to be about 5am to whenever he is done with the job).  He generally works about 10 hours a day, 7 days a week (his choice), but doesn't make that much more money than I do.  I have a salary job 8-5, with every holiday off, plus my job provides benefits, which his doesn't.

How can I get him to start pulling his weight at night with our little girl?  He gets frustrated with me when, after I've already changed her and feed her for 30 minutes, I ask him to finish feeding her from a bottle so I can go pump.

Valerie120408

Is he planning on not helping when you go back to work? DH is pretty helpful but while I was on ML, he seemed to think that I should get up with the baby since I could rest throughout the day (he still ended up helping because he would wake up with the baby's cries but if he could have slept through that, I would have let him sleep more at that time). But once I went back to work, there was no question that he would help equally. So maybe your H is not doing much now but that would change when you go back to work? If not, then I would suggest talking with him and deciding on a schedule that works for both of you - maybe he can do diaper changes / feedings / bringing the baby to you for nursing for the first half of the night since he likes to get up early and then you would do changes / feedings towards the morning. GL!

honeybee111

Have you talked to him about a plan once you return to work?  I took a long maternity leave(7 months), and DH and I agreed I would handle Sun-Thurs nights since I could nap during the day while DD was napping, etc.  DH handled Friday and Saturday nights to give me a break.  Once I went back to work, we agreed that we would alternate nights.  It ended up DH actually LIKED getting up with DD at night since he works long hours and doesn't get to see her for too long.  Anyway, my point is definitely sit down with him and talk about it.

ppants

I was able to survive on less sleep than I ever thought I could. I have twins and FF so DH and I made a plan every night before bed who would feed who. He never heard them cry so I would wake DH and tell him "his" baby was crying. He could change and feed a baby and not have a clue about what time it was or how much they drank. It was the worst when I first returned to work and they each woke twice a night. Talk to him about how you feel? Maybe he can do the weekends since it seems like being sleep deprived maybe a safety issue. Good luck and however it goes down, keep in mind it won't last forever.

zarapipe

mbenit4:

I guess you would have to talk to him about it and how you feel.

For us, my SO works like you described your DH does. We decided jointly that I would do night time duty because I am inside in an office. Whereas, SO does manual labor in the elements and often has to climb scaffolding to 160 ft in the air. We felt it was important for him to be rested and alert at work.

For us, it wasn't because of who made more.

This, except my DH makes more than me. He works in the construction industry also. To us it was more imortant that he got more sleep than I because I would never want him to get hurt. I was ok most nights, but did wake him up every once in a while. It did put a dent in our marriage for a while though because even though I am ok with it now, I resented him at the start, plus I was always tired and he was not- which equals no sexy time for him. It didn't help that DD didn't sleep through the night until 10 months old or so...

 Just remember- you will get through this!! Is there anyway he can work M-F and not that one day on the weekend and let you catch up on your sleep on Saturday and Sunday mornings?

jnealet

I did it all during maternity leave too, and it made sense for us because I could sleep when the baby slept.  And DH would let me sleep in on the weekends and he would get up with D1.

Now that I'm back at work, I wake DH up when D2 wakes up the first time and tell him its his turn.  I can't do both wakings and D2 doesn't need to eat both times.  DH is grumpier these days but I'm at that point of resentment and I don't really care how  he's feeling these days.   

He also complains that I don't remember anything and can't focus on what he's saying but hasn't made the connection that its because I haven't slept more than a few hours at a time.  I even have to wake him up, so its not like I'm getting a solid sleep when he's getting up too.

Ms5586

Ditto PP - you need to have a major conversation.  I did as much as possible at night during maternity leave, because I could sleep when he did during the day.

When I went back to work, I tried to keep that up, but couldn't.  We had a talk, and broke our night into "shifts".  One person gets to get up anytime DS needed us from 9-1, then the other from 1-5.  That way, we both got at least a small stretch of uninterrupted time.  On the weekends, I get up at 5 (we have an early bird) one day, and DH does the other day, so we both get to sleep in one day. 

50/50 is the way to go, in my book. 

Oh, and you mentioned that you're pumping at night too?  That was what made my DH realize how hard I was "working" at night, when I told him not only was I up every other hour for DS, but of those 2 hour stretches, I got about 30-45 minutes of sleep between feeding/changing/pumping.  He didn't realize that it wasn't "feed and go back to sleep".