MIL is driving me Nuts!!!!

katybug499

I need a little advice on how to handle this situation.  We haven't had our 20 week ultrasound yet (it's on Monday) but at a 14 week scan we got a fairly confident, "It's a girl!" from the ultrasound tech.  Knowing that my MIL desperately wanted a girl of her own and is now calling every 10 seconds to find out if we knew the sex yet, I let my husband tell her what the tech told us.  You could hear the woman screaming and cheering in the phone from across the room.  We told her that the tech told us that we may just have a "late bloomer" and we may find out later it's another boy (we have one son already who is almost 5) but she chooses not to acknowledge that.  And this, I understand.  She has two sons and one grandson and is extremely excited about a girl of any kind to spoil.  

But now...now comes the problem.  And it's a combination of my problem, and her problem, and I just don't know how to handle it without either compromising my beliefs or being unreasonable.  My parents had two boys and two girls and the four of us were raised basically the same way.  I was in sports as a girl, I also played with dolls and played dress-up, but all the toys in the house (save for a few) were "the toys" not "girls toys" or "boys toys."  I personally do not care for pink as a color.  It reminds me of pepto, and calamine lotion.  It reminds me of sickness!  So, we decided on a stars and planets theme for the baby's room (which works out well for us because it's a cross-gender theme.)

 And she Hates It.  Told us that Space themes are for boys.  She started sending us little knitted pink hats and pink dresses and pink shoes (which I wouldn't put on my infant in a million years anyway...heels for a 3 month old?? please, it's just not me...*I* don't even wear shoes like that!)  I've asked her to stop, to look at our registry and, if she feels the need to buy us things for the baby, make it things we need and not just spend her money on things that I won't want to put on our baby anyway.  And we've also reminded her that the baby may not even turn out to be a girl at all!  But she doesn't stop.  She says that the stuff she's buying is so cute and if I stopped being "a stubborn feminist" then I would stop fighting "the way things are" and put the baby in pink.

 My husband says that I should just let her have her fun and we won't have to put the baby in any of the things she sends unless it's in a picture to send to his mom or when we visit...but I really don't like it.  She's spending money on things that we won't use!  I hate to see her waste her resources when she could actually be buying things that will really help us out!  Isn't that what people make baby registries for in the first place?  I try suggesting that she throw in *something* that we could use, diapers, a cute crib sheet, bottles....pacifiers...Something!  But she won't budge from trying to create a girly wardrobe that I'll just put in a closet and never use!  And it's not just clothes, it's a pink rug, pink curtains, pink pillows, and pink dolls.  I know she can do what she likes with her money but it seems like such a waste.

I'm just not sure what to do and it's getting very frustrating.     

quartz02

I agree with your opinion of pink. This was a factor that tipped the scales to being Team Green. I guess it's a moot point until your a/s. Either you can say, "ha! It's a boy!" or you'll need to lay down the law. It's your baby and you're not going to put it in something that you hate. H should be on board. I agree that registries should be about needs, but we all know people steer more towards the cutesy stuff, especially for girls. Good luck with this one! Let us know how it turns out.

celestialnyte

Man ... is it bad of me for me to want you SO BADLY to have a boy now?

TeacherGirl17

My grandmother was like this.  She had three boys, my three oldest cousins are boys, and then me and my cousin, who is a girl were born around the same time and my sister was born two years later.  She wanted us girls in dresses all the time and my mother wanted us to be in comfortable clothes.  They both dressed us how they wanted too and it seemed to work out fine.  My grandmother would put us in dresses and my mom would put us in overalls.  Just brush it off for now and when the baby comes let her put her in dresses and pink every once in a while for nice pictures and special occasions.  I will say that the child will choose what they want to wear eventually and no grandmother will be able to combat that.  I was a very messy child that you really didn't want in a nice dress because I got food and dirt all over it.  The funniest part was that my oldest cousin has three girls and none of them will wear dresses, it still drives my grandmother crazy.

SunAndRain

OK, I totally get where you are coming from.  But this is her grandchild and MIL has a right to spend her money as SHE chooses, not as you dictate. I get that you don't care to dress your daughter in pink.  But again, would it really kill you to put your daughter in an occasional pink outfit for grandma's visits, just to make the grandmother happy?

  When your daughter grows up she is going to develop her own sense of style and it may very well be full of princess pink!  So your ability to control what your daughter wears is fleeting...why not focus on something that really matters, like ensuring grandma knows the latest safety practices with babies, etc.

About the nursery design, it really is OK if MIL doesn't like how you and DH have chosen to design it.  She is very much entitled to her opinion.  A simple response of, "I'm sorry to hear it isn't to your liking however DH and I are very excited about what we've chosen." Then chance the subject.  Eventually she'll realize that her opinion isn't going to change anything and hopefully she'll drop it.  If not, then be honest with her that her constant harping on the room isn't going to change the decor but it is making her visits less enjoyable than they could be.  So why don't we focus on what matters, like spending quality time with LOs?

I get that it is frustrating but in times like these I really try to question whether there is room for me to give a little and ways for me to shift my focus so that the annoyance becomes so unimportant that I no longer care either way.

SunAndRain

I should probably concede that while I don't care much how my child is dressed so long as it isn't offensive, if anything Pooh enters my house it'll get tossed faster than the fake thank you is forced from my mouth.

So maybe I should lighten up on you and pink because me and Pooh are just NOT going to happen.

krumca

SunAndRain:

I should probably concede that while I don't care much how my child is dressed so long as it isn't offensive, if anything Pooh enters my house it'll get tossed faster than the fake thank you is forced from my mouth.

So maybe I should lighten up on you and pink because me and Pooh are just NOT going to happen.

 

This made me laugh....I HATE Elmo but my son wanted an Elmo doll so he got one. I drew the line at the Elmo shoes.

 

snickersforeveryone

I hate pink too, but have realized that it's not every shade of pink that I find awful.  Could you pick out some things to keep that are a shade of pink you can live with and either return or give away the other stuff? 

Another thing we've done in my family is tell everyone my favorite color for the baby's clothes is blue.  While this isn't necessarily true, it does mean that most people send blue frilly dresses, as opposed to pink ones, AND we don't have to focus on telling people that we hate pink.  Maybe tell your MIL that you appreciate the pink, but ask her if she could find something in green or blue (whatever) because you're having a hard time finding anything beautiful or frilly in those colors...this would give her a project and maybe take her mind off so much pink! (I told my MIL that I couldn't find any outfits with matching accessories that I liked in yellow, and that I was disappointed because I like babies in yellow.  BAM! She quit the pink and moved on to yellow!) GL!

Tasheystar

celestialnyte:

Man ... is it bad of me for me to want you SO BADLY to have a boy now?

Me too. Lol

Christina79

Something that I learned with my DD, people go crazy buying clothes for girls. CRAZY! MIL is going to buy whatever she wants to buy for the baby, it doesn't mean you have to use it. Yes, it'd be nice to get useful things but in my experience that didn't happen and you can't tell someone how to spend their money. 

You already let her know that you don't want pink so all you can really do now is thank her when she sends gifts and drop the subject. Also don't let her get to you, she probably feeds off it and is going to buy even more trying to sway you.

You can always exchange things, sell them later if you do consignment sales or garage sales, pass on to someone who wants these items, or donate.  

The thing I hated most was the Pooh outfits but there was 1 time when I was doing DD's laundry that the only outfit for the season that would work was a Pooh outfit. She wore it for a few hours and it wasn't a big deal. 

 

OUKatie

What to you do? Nothing.

You've told her how you feel and that you won't be using the items. She continues to waste her money on things that will not be used. That's her choice.

I don't think you need to put the baby in things that you do not like just for her sake. You've told her how you feel and what you plan to do. I'd just ignore it from now on and do what you want.

LaurenCase89

This would make me nuts!!! Why is it pink pink pink  for girls! This is a large part of why we are not finding out the sex. I'm fairly sure that I will end up returning a lot of clothing others give us. If your MIL cannot listen to you then she's just going to end up wasting her money. You've tried to let her know, at this point she is going to do. Good luck!

katybug499

Thank you all!  I know that I won't put her in pink (she can choose to dress in pink all she wants when she gets older) and I know that I've told my MIL to please stop and she hasn't.  And she won't.  I really just wanted to figure out what to do now.  The rugs and curtains and pillows just won't get used...or they'll get sold.  I hated the idea of letting her force me to put up things just because they were gifts (I was raised to think of it as very rude not to use gifts that are given to you and treasure them, so that's where I was running into a road block I guess.)

She can't force me to use things I don't want to use.  Or make me feel bad for wanting to raise my daughter to be a "person" more than a "girl."  (If that makes sense!  Of course she'll be a girl, but that doesn't mean I have to take away the action figures and replace them with dolls all the time, which is how MIL would have me do it!)

I get frustrated with the lack of support, I suppose.  Why should I keep their toys separate unless the kids themselves are possessive over their favorite things?  Why should I "accept how things are" and paint her walls a color I don't like?  Why should I dress her in impractical glittery shoes and hair bows if that's not how I want to dress her?  

 Thanks again for all your input! 

gisa886

Return or consign everything you dislike. I did this with Pooh stuff and clothes I hated. My MIL still buys my daughter ugly stuff that won't even fit her in the right season and has started doing it with my son. I say thanks and return it 

liz_bluefreak

Wow, if that's the case, i hope for your sake that you are having a boy. As a pink-disliker myself, I would not want to deal with a MIL like that...and i LIVE WITH MINE but we get along well. Anywho, if you have a ton of pink clothes and stuff and you DO have a girl, i'd put the clothes on the baby (if poss. keep the tags on :P), take a pic, send it to gma, then sell the stuff and use the $$ to buy stuff you TRULY need Good luck.

bumpuser1509193

Keep the tags on everything she buys and return it. If she wont get what you want in the first place, you can . you can always make up an excuse later for the mysterious disappearance of the pink rug!  As for the home made stuff, put it on lo when mil is around.She doesn't need to know that's the only time lo has worn said item

MIL's are frustrating, hang in there!

jenguinbear

OUKatie:

What to you do? Nothing.

You've told her how you feel and that you won't be using the items. She continues to waste her money on things that will not be used. That's her choice.

I don't think you need to put the baby in things that you do not like just for her sake. You've told her how you feel and what you plan to do. I'd just ignore it from now on and do what you want.

Ditto. And if there are tags on them, can you return them? I'd do that and use the store credit for something I'd use. 

pumpkinwife07

I understand where you are coming from, but honestly I wouldn't lose sleep over it. The most important thing to remember both for you and for her, is that your daughter will be whoever she wants to be. Period. She may be super-sporty and like cars and trucks or she may be the ultimate girly-girl wanting everything princess by age 2. Maybe you could tell your MIL that. You want your daughter to be the person she's meant to be.

And, this is why I'm team green. so much stress when you know the gender.

pnf112208

katybug499:

Thank you all!  I know that I won't put her in pink (she can choose to dress in pink all she wants when she gets older) and I know that I've told my MIL to please stop and she hasn't.  And she won't.  I really just wanted to figure out what to do now.  The rugs and curtains and pillows just won't get used...or they'll get sold.  I hated the idea of letting her force me to put up things just because they were gifts (I was raised to think of it as very rude not to use gifts that are given to you and treasure them, so that's where I was running into a road block I guess.)

She can't force me to use things I don't want to use.  Or make me feel bad for wanting to raise my daughter to be a "person" more than a "girl."  (If that makes sense!  Of course she'll be a girl, but that doesn't mean I have to take away the action figures and replace them with dolls all the time, which is how MIL would have me do it!)

I get frustrated with the lack of support, I suppose.  Why should I keep their toys separate unless the kids themselves are possessive over their favorite things?  Why should I "accept how things are" and paint her walls a color I don't like?  Why should I dress her in impractical glittery shoes and hair bows if that's not how I want to dress her?  

 Thanks again for all your input! 

Definitely don't take away the "boy" toys, mama!!  My almost 2 year old daughter LOVES school buses, bugs, "diggers" (like backhoes and such), trucks, trains, and she is obsessed with the Disney Cars movie.  She has babies and pink toys, too, but everyone knows she loves the other stuff and (thankfully) they buy her what she loves.  My hubby's aunt has a workbench and play tools waiting for DD's second birthday, in pink.  I will show her how to use them.    If I have a son and he wants to push a doll stroller, or play in a toy kitchen, I will exterminate anyone who tells him otherwise.