Thanks, but no, MIL -Follow Up

November3Love

So earlier today I wrote about MIL & her pushing Winnie the Pooh nursery because that was DHs nursery. Seems like she knows how to get at me because she responded with photos of some random sports bedding, saying: What about these? ... adding that some of the items are already on their way!

I responded with links to the bedding DH & I were looking at late last night. She then sends a response asking about other boy & sports bedding with photos. I responded with more links to more bedding, hoping she would get the idea.

I just checked my email again & this one she simply said: Maybe you & *insert her nickname for my DH* should talk it over together & decide, then let me know.

Am I just reading too much into this, or is it coming across that she's making it like I can't decide A) on my own, as a MOM, & even if DH & I had discussed it, unless she hears it from DH will she actually go ahead with what we're thinking of; regardless the fact I have been emailing on both DH & my behalf.

I'm starting to think that she's really dismissing me & my opinions. It's making me wonder if the only reason she's emailing me at all is just because she 'has to'. (If that makes sense)

J'snewwife

As an outside observer I have a slightly different take.  I don't think she thinks you can't decide on your own.  She thinks you CAN and HAVE decided on your own, and she's frustrated with you, which is why she wants you to talk to HER son.  I bet she also thinks she can get your husband to go more towards what she wants.  I think the only way to combat this is to say "great, I'll have [husband] let you know what we decide together" and just walk away from it.  Easier said than done on the walking away part though.  Good luck!

mben1119

If she sent you something, send it back.  Firmly but gently let her know that you will be doing LOs nursery. End of story. And DH NEEDS to back you up on this.

AprilAngie

I never read your 1st post- however, I actually think she just doesnt like your choices. 

It is your kid and YOUR nursery

It does seem like she means well- but just being too over baring.  

MandeeFoFandee

I would respond with, "We have already talked it over, and we liked the one I sent you previously, so that's what we're going with." it seems like she just doesn't like your choices and wants to change your mind. you just have to put your foot down and let her know that you're making the final decision, period. 

November3Love

AprilAngie:

I never read your 1st post- however, I actually think she just doesnt like your choices. 

It is your kid and YOUR nursery

It does seem like she means well- but just being too over baring.  

 

While I wish it were this easy & even I would like to believe this myself... there has been a history spanning 6 years now where she has not been of a fan of me. For instance, when DH & I announced we were engaged, she brought up DHs xgf from 10 years ago. When she was coming out for our wedding, she got ahold of my FIL (who she CANNOT stand!) to ask him if he had DHs xgfs personal 411, as she had recently been the nurse after FILs surgery. At our wedding she was witnessed taking our Pastor aside saying "Well,this is what we agreed on..." & then after we kissed, we were announced for the first time as "Mr & Mrs Patrick *******, well known as *insert MILs nickname for DH*. We didn't even notice until we watched the video a week later & that was when we asked others about it & found out the convo MIL had with Pastor. It upset DH & I because he NEVER refered to himself as that name, introducing himself as Patrick to me. He said that was in his youth & his family just never let it go. She would email me telling me I could be her 'assistant in the kitchen' (at DH & my home) for Thanksgiving. When we told MIL we were pregnant, she looked at my DH & for about 3 minutes straight said to him "You're pregnant!?!? You're going to have a baby!??! I can't believe it!!" as if I wasn't even beside my DH when we told her & her hubby. It's just things like this that makes me doubt her intentions are so genuine. I'm beginning to think it's her trying to have control.

dani2480

It probably is her trying to have control. But you can't change that. She'll likely be playing these stupid games with you forever. What you can do is set boundaries and enforce consequences when she violates them. Oh, she won't like it, and she'll likely have a cow. But you and your DH need to do what is right and healthy for the both of you and your child -- not what's "right" for your MIL.

Your DH needs to stand up for you and his family to his mom (because it's his mom, and she's clearly shown a pattern of disrespect for you over the years). HE needs to call or email her and say "Mom, I appreciate your excitement about the baby, but please stop pestering my wife about what you want for our nursery. She and I have decided together to go with XYZ theme/set, and we hope you can respect our choice." And if she continues, he needs to enforce whatever consequence you guys have decided is appropriate (e.g. immediately ending any conversation with her where she brings it up, or sending back anything she sends you that is not within your tastes, or telling her that if she doesn't stop pushing the issue that you two will have to limit contact until she is able to respect your boundaries/wishes).

Blue Pansy

I would not waste my time and energy talking to her about it. Let your DH deal with the crazy, and ignore her. 

OUKatie

I'm confused...why are you engaging with her over this? By repeatedly showing her ideas and responding to her suggestions, you are basically inviting her to have a say in this. If you don't want her to, then stop. Just tell her that you and Dh are still deciding but will let her know when you have come to a decision together.

HappyMama2011

Does she want to pay for the bedding?  Is that why she wants you to get back to her?  So she can purchase it?  It seems like there is a piece missing to all of this.

Molissa10

Can't you just tell her that you guys have the bedding under control?  And then give her something else to focus on?   Clothes, pack n play, bath toys, babyshower...something?

SunAndRain

OUKatie:

I'm confused...why are you engaging with her over this? By repeatedly showing her ideas and responding to her suggestions, you are basically inviting her to have a say in this. If you don't want her to, then stop. Just tell her that you and Dh are still deciding but will let her know when you have come to a decision together.

I am 100% in agreement with this.

Rhianna1981

Honestly, I would just let it go. If she decides to buy something for you either (a) return it; (b) sell it; or (c) keep it as a back up set in the event of accidents.

She seems pretty set on getting you this particular nursery set, and you cannot really dictate what she decides to buy you, but you CAN decide what to do with it when it arrives!

I don't think that there is any way to change her mind nor her behavior, so don't even bother.