not sure whats wrong w me

jewerner

I had DS almost 5 weeks ago, and I couldnt love him any more. He was definitely a surprise, but hes all Ive wanted for a long time and is a very mellow baby, I'm very lucky. SO is a good man, the best. He works an hour and a half away and commutes every day, working long hours and busting his butt to hurry up and get everything in order so he can transfer closer to home and have more time with us. However, in the meantime that leaves me home by myself most all day with DS, and when he IS home hes exhausted and is next to no help. He means well but he cant do everything and its hard to remember hes just as exhausted as I am.

In the meantime I've been lonely, and frustrated at the mess of the house he leaves behind, at the broken dishwasher,  at the bottles that need washing AGAIN. at the fact that I even need bottles because BF didnt pan out and my supply completely diminished with EP. I find myself angry at our finincial situation, at my having to go back to work, at SO for not being around more, for leaving his messes for me to clean,  for everything really though I know its unfair. I'm angry at my OB who completely botched my Csection, leaving me with a horrific scar and long recovery. A Csection I adamantly did not want and made clear from my very first appt with him. I'm angry that my mom who only wants to help is around too much and is too critical. At poor LO for fussing because hes developed reflux and just got circumsized yesterday and hurts. (they made him wait because he was a month early.)

And through all my anger I'm not yelling. I'm just laying around quiet and sad. SO is asleep next to me because he has to wake up so early for work, and its lonelier to feel alone next to someone than it is when youre ACTUALLY alone. Idk if its PPD, because I was so fine up until recently. Idk if I'm just exhausted and going through a difficult recovery, with a lot on my plate. I'm just... exhausted.  

mrsjenlynne

I went through what I called "baby blues" about 2 weeks ago, and I can say that at least for me, it does go away. Like you I absolutely love my DS and DH, but I felt like a part of me was gone. I had a c section that was unplanned and I'm usually super active, so it was hard accepting that I must take it easy the first few weeks. My DH and I live 300 miles away from all family so I also felt left out from enjoying people stopping by here and there to see our DS and love on him. For me, I was fine during the day, but at night I would get so sad. I felt like I had so much to do, and not enough time to do it, and building this new way of life had thrown me for a loop and I worried that I wasn't doing enough for my family. However, my turn around point was making myself get out of the house. And not necessarily driving somewhere, I mean loading my LO up in his jogger stroller and going for long walks. During those times he would sleep like a rock and I had time to think. In my head I could plan out what I needed to do for housework that day and most importantly I thought about my life goals, whether short term or long. When I got back home DS was always still asleep so I took that time to do a few house chores. Rather than doing a massive amount in one day, I would try to separate them up throughout each day of the week. Soon after, everything started falling into place. I felt like I had some sort of ambition back and the house, although not perfect, looked good enough. I also began to trust myself as a mom. Getting out and walking, (and I plan running once I hit 6 weeks pp) is such a great way to get out energy and revive yourself. Just know you're not alone in how you feel. Your baby has a wonderful mom who went through alot in order to bring him into this world. You deserve a lot of credit  

shortsweet&sassy

I am feeling the same way, I have a wonderful husband and two great kids but I feel so alone, angry, sad and frustrated with my life. Im hoping it gets better soon! Hang in there you are not alone in how you feel.

christinbeatrice

jewerner:

I had DS almost 5 weeks ago, and I couldnt love him any more. He was definitely a surprise, but hes all Ive wanted for a long time and is a very mellow baby, I'm very lucky. SO is a good man, the best. He works an hour and a half away and commutes every day, working long hours and busting his butt to hurry up and get everything in order so he can transfer closer to home and have more time with us. However, in the meantime that leaves me home by myself most all day with DS, and when he IS home hes exhausted and is next to no help. He means well but he cant do everything and its hard to remember hes just as exhausted as I am.

In the meantime I've been lonely, and frustrated at the mess of the house he leaves behind, at the broken dishwasher,  at the bottles that need washing AGAIN. at the fact that I even need bottles because BF didnt pan out and my supply completely diminished with EP. I find myself angry at our finincial situation, at my having to go back to work, at SO for not being around more, for leaving his messes for me to clean,  for everything really though I know its unfair. I'm angry at my OB who completely botched my Csection, leaving me with a horrific scar and long recovery. A Csection I adamantly did not want and made clear from my very first appt with him. I'm angry that my mom who only wants to help is around too much and is too critical. At poor LO for fussing because hes developed reflux and just got circumsized yesterday and hurts. (they made him wait because he was a month early.)

And through all my anger I'm not yelling. I'm just laying around quiet and sad. SO is asleep next to me because he has to wake up so early for work, and its lonelier to feel alone next to someone than it is when youre ACTUALLY alone. Idk if its PPD, because I was so fine up until recently. Idk if I'm just exhausted and going through a difficult recovery, with a lot on my plate. I'm just... exhausted.  

I highlighted EXACTLY what I feel, I could have written that myself. I'd have to change that my DH work 24 on & 48 off, so he is home more than yours, but when he is home he's sleeping, going to the gym, or just busy trying to get something else done. 

I agree I don't know if it's PPD, but I plan on talking to my OB in a week about it. I also have REALLY good days where I can play with my LO non stop &  REALLY bad days, where the most I can muster up is chatting with him here & there.

I find that getting outside or going somewhere that has an indoor track works for me to brighten my day. I wear my LO or push him in the stroller. Being outside does so much more for me, but the weather here some days has been in the 40's & some days in the 70's, so it's hit & miss. Can you go on walks, with your recovery are you feeling up to it?

ashleyann331

First off, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Our bodies get beat to hell from the time we conceive until long after we deliver. You can read every pregnancy and delivery book out there but it still wouldn't give a complete picture of what all goes on. The hormones, the huge life change, the lack of sleep, plus the fact that a lot of women are predisposed to depression can make you feel like your crazy. Trust me, your not. I'm a FTM (20 weeks along) so I don't understand exactly how you feel, but I have had some issues with depression in the past. The best explanation I have ever gotten (from my amazing OB dr when I raised my concern about PPD) is that diabetics bodies don't use or produce insulin like they should, someone with anemia had something in their body that doesn't use iron right,and someone with depression has something in their body that isn't using or producing serotonin right. All of those are not the person's fault. If you look up serotonin and pregnancy it will explain how your brain chemistry changes. It helps so much to talk to someone about it. I highly recommend a counselor, I've seen one throughout my divorce and its just nice to talk to someone who you know has no previous opinions and is 100% bias. From experience I can tell you that if you do have PPD (or any type of depression) it does not just heal itself, it get more and more intense and you feel further and further down about thing so for your and your brand new babies sake please look into it.