How to be a rock...

LolaBelle515

OK, guys.  As we prepare for delivery (8 weeks or less!), I'm thinking a lot about what it will mean to be the support person in the delivery room.

I believe I am a strong person, but I also know that I am an emotional person.  I cry at Hallmark commercials and watching Oprah...and, it is true, M had to hold MY hand when we ended up in the hospital at 16 weeks and they couldn't find our baby's heartbeat.  She is generally the rock in our relationship.

In the delivery, I need to be the rock.  I know I have it in me, and I know I can step it up...but I am nerous because I don't know how to experience such an intense, beautiful thing as labor and birth without being teary the whole time.   She's asked me not to cry because she needs me to be strong so that she doesn't feel she has to take care of me...which obviously makes sense since she'll be the one in labor!

Non-pregnant partners: How did you hold it together during delivery? Any tips?  I Know I can do this, but thought I'd get suggestions. You don't need to say "I'm sure you can do it when it counts" because I'm sure I'll get there, but tips would be great.  I don't want M to ever look back at her delivery and think that she had to take care of me in any way.

  

leapgirl8

I could have written this. I dearly hope that someone has advice!!

MommieBear

When we went in, we were hopeful that I would be able to deliver but Little Bear was breech and to big for canal. I end up having a c/s. what helped me was having my DP beside me. She reminded me to breathe and relax. As it turned out - she was jumping as Little Bear came out! I guess as you can see - things do happen for a reason - it's love! 

I hope you both have a wonderful peaceful experience. Also encourage your DP & yourself to advocate for your rights as parents.  

lnelson20

I tend to be emotional too, but my experience with Kel's labor was that it was not until Eli was actually out that the tears (happy ones) came. During her labor, I tried to follow her spoken/unspoken direction and just focus on her. I think the biggest piece is to be flexible--there were several support things (massage, etc.) that we thought Kel would want and that we practiced, but in the moment were the LAST thing that felt good to her. Focusing on meeting her needs (even if they mean being silent/not touching her/giving her alone time to rest) should put your emotions on the back burner, at least that was my experience. 

2moms2twins

Lola-

Oh my goodness... no matter how ROCK you try to be the birth of your children will cripple you. Ok well for me it did.  I am a tough cookie or so i thought - came from the school of thought never let anyone see you cry never let your guard down if you get hit hit back twice as hard (thanks DAD- he is Israeli and full-of Machismo  anyhow ... I was always the brick, the rock .. the stationary solid piece - never let anyone see my weekness.  Melanie is the float on type she rarely gets stressed.. but knowing we were having twins and we had lots of pregnancy complications I tried to prepare her and say .. Ok they are Twins they may come early  C-section was a sure thing and with that they will have some NICU time - we kept this thought in serious check - and used it to prepare because they did end up needing NICU time ... anyhow  you can FB me or email me two moms 2 twins at  g mail dot com and we can talk more ....

anyhow sorry long and drawn out I was a rock for melanie I was a rock for the kids while they were being rolled to NICU and tubes and wires and such and I would be present and ask questions and be SOLID when nurses would talk I stood and I paid attention i conveyed information I was Brave - I was freaked out  and scared shitless and worried but no one except for the AMAZING BUMPIES knew- and the minor freak out i had on my sister while we were on the phone   In between holding it all together I excused myself to the stair well .. and KICKED and SCREAMED and CRIED and WIMPERED in short intervals ( mind you none of my family came to the birth  not sure why they were just too busy and felt that they did not wanna step on Melanies parents toes my mom is lameo like that )looking back as much as I wanted my mom there she would not be able to handle the NICU and then I would have to take care of my babes myself and then her!!!!

 SO I was a rock ... and you will be too !!!! and when time permitted I was a puddle of mush .... Melanie and I were just having a convo about thee birth and she is upset because she had a c-section and missed seeing the babies for 4 hours ... ( it was long period of time ) and I was with them from the moment they pulled them out and saw all the scaryness and told her that while she was recoving with her mom and family   was watching and processing 1) I now have 2 daughters ( we did not know what we were having just that there were 2)   2) NICU scaryness tubes and wires and non breathing episodes and ivs and tuny babies ...  3) no one around to hug 

 I am a total medical whore and LOVE medical stuff  so that kind of helped but really it all went out the door.  

 B4 we went in weeks b4 we would discuss things over and over and Melanie and I would say ok if this happens we do this and if this that .. the plan was always for me to go with the babies no matter what and that i was to take as many pics as possible and record as much as I can our dr was cool and let us fil it all ...  so while i was shooting Melanie was having a reaction to the anestetic and was yelling that her shoulders are killing her I kindly looked at her and said BABE - ( this is after the dr looked at me and said its just a pain diversion that happs) and they shrugged - so I looked at her Lovingly and said BABE shut the F up you are about to be a mom the baby is coming ( she was screaming) ....because she was so focused on this shoulder pain... and did not care that DR was pulling out BABY A

so you can do it !!!!

 

JoySeattle

I haven't (and won't) support an intimate partner in labor, but as a professional, here are my thoughts:

Confidence usually helps, and education usually increases confidence. Have you/are you taking childbirth classes?

Regardless, I'd recommend reading the book, The Birth Partner, by Penny Simkin. Great read and can be used as a reference in labor if needed. If you want other general labor books, I also recommend Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn.

I agree with previous posters that focusing on her needs and focusing on the moment can help keep support people grounded. 

I'm happy to connect with you more about specifics for you and your partner. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

JLRHNR

LolaBelle515, your post was so sweet. As I read it, I thought of my partner (the non-pregnant one this time and last time) and how solid she is. She's my rock and always has been, but she also has that same sweet, sensitive side...might not be as sensitive as you. I think I got that part of the gene pool (thanks Dad)  I think at the time when we knew my water had broke (a month early), and it was time to take that 45 minute drive to the hospital, and that in a matter of hours, we would have our first child...it just takes over you. I think your preparedness will overcome your need to cry at first. Now when that baby comes out, c-section or vaginally, you may be an emotional wreck (joyfully) and I'm sure by now your partner knows how you are. Believe me, she will be in her own state of shock, etc...but as being the pregnant one who's been through it, I think it's more like a survival mode and a "ME" feeling rather than, OMG, my partner is bawling her eyes out and I need someone to hold my damn head up! Lol. You will be fine. I wish my wife were here right now so I could ask her for her advice to give you. She's not on the bump but I tell her a lot about it. I'm curious too to see what her advice would be to you.

Honey, you will be fine. I'm so excited for you guys. I won't be too long after you guys!

LolaBelle515

Thanks, everyone!  Your responses are helpful--just knowing it's OK to think about this and plan for it.  I just want to be the best wife possible, you know:)

 

Leapgirl8, it's particularly helpful to know I'm not alone in this one!!  

leapgirl8

This was very helpful, thanks everyone!