- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
2nd Trimester
torneen
member
Yes ma'amm/sir... Hell no!
torneen
member
So my husband dropped a bomb on me last night that he wants our kids to say "Yes, Ma'am" or "Yes, Sir" to us... for everything! I know this may work for some families... but it DOES NOT work for me. Our neice and nephew are forced to do this and there is so much repressed anger behind their little voices when they are forced to say it. If looks could kill!! It makes my skin crawl to hear it. My family did not have this practice when I was growing up and I do not want to carry it forward. And above that, I have waited thirty years to be a Mom.. not a Ma'am. Where I come from, being called Ma'am is not a good thing. And yes, I have already expressed all this to my husband and we have worked it out. I guess I just needed to vent about it some more. I told him that if he wants them to say "Yes Sir" to him, then whatever. But if our chilren say "Yes Ma'am" to me I will not tolerate it. Nor will I enforce this idea or help to continue it in anyway. He is on his own if he wants them to say "Yes Sir" and I told him as much. As long as they say please and thank you sincerley then I am okay with that.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Yes ma'amm/sir... Hell no!
Blog!
My friend's kids say ma'am and sir. The dad makes them. I think it's so they sound more respectful. I would blame his being in the military for this but I can't since I was too and never made my kid say that.
CRAFTY ME
my read shelf:
I'm in the South where it is is a sign of respect to say "yes ma'am" or "yes sir" after being given a direction or asked a question. Adults do it too.
Here, saying "yes ma'am" is the norm. If a female teacher asks a child to do something, the child automatically says "yes ma'am." It is just a sign of respect, not something we yell at our kids to do or force them to do. Kids here just say yes ma'am instead of yes. Not a big deal to me. I see it as no different than teaching them to hold a door open or give their seat up on a bus out of respect for those older than them. Honestly, I like it and hope this old tradition never dies out.
The only time "ma'am" can be construed as rude here is if you begin a sentence by calling a person "ma'am" in order to get their attention or something. It is never seen as rude when used after the word yes or no.
I dont see it as a bad thing when they say it to others..but Im with you on being called Mom,Mommy,Mama.. Its the best name to be called.
At least you and your H talked and made it work for you both
I'm in SoCal as well as are my friends who have their kids say that are here too. Anyway, you are way hell bent on this issue and I think you need to discuss this further with your husband.
CRAFTY ME
my read shelf:
DH and I (both from Oklahoma) both say "sir" and "ma'am" all the time, as a sign of respect to the person we're speaking to. I say it to everyone- including children. The little girls I watch get a kick out of it, when they call my name and I say "yes ma'am?" they smile so big like they are something special. And that's the point of it. Kids in our families do say it to their parents, but not in every single sentence. It's certainly not like the military where every command is answered that way. DS still calls us Mommy and Daddy FAR more than he says ma'am and sir, but yes, we are teaching him to use those titles at the appropriate times. All of our little cousins say ma'am and sir as well, and not a single one of them does it with anger and resentment in their voice as a couple pp's mentioned. They are taught that it's a sign of respect, and I guess since they are given the same respect, they don't feel that they "have" to do it - it just becomes a habit/normal part of their vocabulary.
Yeah I would agree- OP you seem to have a very strong (definitely biased) opinion on this that you should definitely discuss calmly and openly with your husband. As I said above, it can be taught without making your children feel "cuffed" or "controlled." DH and I both were taught to use the terms, but it certainly isn't expected every single time our parents speak to us! Neither my parents or my in-laws would EVER stop a conversation to remind us or "correct" us and "make" us refer to them by ma'am or sir!
So...your husband's family have behavior problems because they were taught to use ma'am and sir? That's very odd. I don't think your children have to call you ma'am constantly, but its a nice thing to say "yes ma'am" when asked to do something or when replying to being called on. As a teacher I think its so much nicer when the kids say "yes ma'am" when I say something to get their attention rather than the "WHAT?" that some of them use. There's a difference between teaching your kids respect and being a drill sergeant--I think you see the two as the same and aren't willing to be flexible in terms of what your husband wants as well.
CRAFTY ME
my read shelf:
My kids say it.. and absolutely not with any anger or resentment! If they are up in their rooms and I call them they respond *usually* with "yes, ma'am?" and I think that is sooo much more polite than, "WHAT MOM?!" It isn't forced, and I say "yes, ma'am & yes sir" quite often.. and once again, I absolutely have no anger or resentment when I use it.
OP- your DH is an adult, and although it is polite to use the terms, he can't be "forced" to, and anyone who tries to force him should probably brush up on their manners as well.
For realz.
OP, stop and think logically about this. Even if you don't care to use the terms ma'am and sir, which is certainly your prerogative, do you really think it's that your DH's family uses them that causes them to be dysfunctional? It sounds like it's just a symptom of a larger issue in his case, which is demanding the appearance of respect that is not earned nor freely given (as evidenced by your anecdotes about how they treat their children).
My students use sir and ma'am. They don't do it to get my attention (they use my name...fwiw, I've never heard of anyone using it in place of someone's name when speaking to them directly if the person's name is known) but will do it if I ask them a question and they didn't hear me (in place of "excuse me?" or "pardon?") or if I ask them a yes/no question. I have never, and will never, insist that a child use ma'am simply because I feel the child is being disrespectful. I feel like insisting on it is missing the forest for the trees. If you are being rude or sassy, I'm going to deal with that, not the fact that you didn't use ma'am. I don't really even give a crap if my students or my own kids use ma'am when addressing me, so long as they address me respectfully.
I haven't read all of the other posts but I agree with this. My real dad's side of the family is from the south and whenever I go to visit my "ma'ams and sirs" are automatically turned on. When I was little I didn't have any anger towards my daddy for having me say it. Its not like he would punish me if I didn't say it he would just calmly remind me to say ma'am or sir afterwards. Its a thing we say to our elders not people our age or younger than us, that would be strange. And when I try and get my grandparent's or dad's attention I say grandma or dad I don't just yell out ma'am. It polite, its not like you're torturing your kids.
If my grandma or an elder tries to get my attention when I'm over there I say "yes ma'am?" Its a habit and its a polite one, just like putting on my seat belt is a habit for me. My mom never made me say ma'am or sir to anyone (yes I still have manners and respect her, I'm not saying this is the only way a child can learn manners) but for some reason when she tries to get my attention I say "huh?" or "yeah?" and to me "yes ma'am?" sounds better. I know this is long and I apologize, I'm not even sure I'll have my kids say this and if you don't want to then that's fine too but its just teaching kids politeness to strangers and their elders, its not beating/torturing them.
blog! thescenery.net
I make my kids say yes mam/sir. It's out of respect, one of my pet peeves is to have my oldest comeback with a response of "yeah, ok..whatever". A simple yes mam/no mam will do.
Their manners show when they are around other people and im glad of that. It shows they have respect and have been taught correctly. Some of the ways kids talk to adults now a days is insane. It's how I was raised and it's how im raising my kids and I hope they do the same.
This for some people it is just a culture thing. My parents are both from the south even though I grew up in Indiana this was just something we did. We still called mom mom and dad, dad. But to teachers, people at church or strangers it was yes ma'am or yes sir. And to be perfectly honest I never once felt bitter tightly wound or oppressed by being told to do this. In fact it wasn't even something that I even noticed doing.
I can't get the ticker to work, but I have two sons:
Baby RJ, born 1/25/2014
Formerly Twilightmv
I don't ask my son to call me ma'am. But I doubt that the repressed anger you are hearing in voices is due to what name is being used. I know families who ask their children to respond to requests with "Yes ma'am/sir" and they have wonderful relationships with their children. Obviously your husband thinks he benefited (somehow) from referring to his parents in this particular way. Instead of outright rejecting his method of parenting, maybe it would be good to find out what he thinks he gained from it and try to find a way that you can instill that in your children that you can both be comfortable with. I'm just saying that, "Hell no! I'm not doing that and I won't support you either" starts a fight. "I really don't understand that and it would really hurt me to hear ma'am instead of mom. Why is it so important to you?" starts a conversation. You have a while until a final decision needs to be made. Maybe take some time to understand each other's perspectives. (Also, I don't think I would ever ask that an adult child refer to me in that way. It just seems to me like a way to degrade the adult child instead of a way for the adult child to show respect.)
This is exactly what I was thinking and again, I live in the South. I was allowed to say yes to my parents without the sir or ma'am, but never "yeah." Our children will be taught the same thing. I want them calling us Mommy and Daddy, but if we ask them to do something, I expect a "yes ma'am," just like I'd expect them to give the same respect to a stranger.
While I would never ask my kids to talk like this, I understand it. It?s just a form of respect that some families practice, and I think it?s important that children respect their parents. I can?t STAND when kids call adults by the first name, or when they add ?Ms? or ?Mr.? in front of it. That drives me crazy, but some people just raise their kids to do that, and that?s all there is to it. I?m sure it?ll drive some people crazy that I think calling adults ?Mr. & Mrs? Last Name is the proper form of respect and that is what I will teach my children to do.
I am not from the south, and I am far far away from being form the south. No one in my family is from the south- but still don?t think that being called ?Ma?am? is a bad thing. Or ?Miss? or anything like that. It doesn?t make me feel old or anything. In fact, it?s the opposite. It makes me feel respected. I much prefer that than ?Hey you?. Or ?Honey? or ?Sweetie? or whatever kind of other BS people throw out. And I don?t care if the person is 16yrs. or 106 yrs. - if I don?t know a person?s name, and I need their attention, I?m going to say ?Excuse me, Ma?am? or whatever. I also don't care if I'm in the south, west, or in Timbucktoo..... It?s just what I was taught is the polite and respectful thing to do.
My point is, I don?t think it?s fair to criticize. Every parent has a different style even within the same family. And it?s difficult enough for the two parents of the children to decide on even the small things about what?s right, let?s not criticize anyone for what they do decide.
We will be a yes ma'am/yes sir family in response to requests. When children who are taught to respond this way address their parents in general, they don't say Ma'am? They say Mom/Dad? or some variant, so its not as though a parent would be called ma'am or sir exclusively. But when asked to do something, when responding to discipline and of course, with all adults, it will be a gently-taught and enforced way of speaking for us. I have seen it taught in families of very well-adjusted children where mutual love abounds.
If you think its that bad, in many ancient cultures, children had to bow at their parents feet for permission to speak to them. We won't go that far...well....maybe
I have some dear friends who have taught their little girls to answer "Yes, Mama" or "Yes, Daddy." They are very gentle parents, and it's not a control issue...it's a respect issue. They've also taught their girls to call me "Miss Lynsi" out of respect.
I really think it all depends on the attitude and demeanor of the parents. If they're controlling and aggressive about it, then it's going to be viewed as a negative thing. If they're gentle and respectful toward their children and teaching by example, then it's viewed in a positive way.
Being from the south, the whole "yes ma'am and yes sir" thing is completely normal and even expected to me, but I understand where you are coming from. If it is important to your husband, however, I feel y'all should have a discussion about it. It may be a respect thing to him, and just a weird sounding thing to you. If this is the case, then maybe it is more important to him.
My husband was not raised as a "yes ma'am, yes sir" kinda guy. He uses those terms when speaking to elders, teachers, people at work, strangers, etc, but just not his parents. We have discussed it and, since it is important to me (why should strangers be addressed with respect more so than ones own parents?) he has agreed that we will raise our son to say yes ma'am and yes sir.
I was raised to do so and never felt resentment or repressed anger, that seems pretty silly to me. I think you are mistaking their anger over whatever they are being told/asked to do as anger over using simple words like ma'am and sir. Just my opinion, but I knwo TONS of people raised using those terms and none that I know have are angry because of it or wish they ahd been raised an differently.
Just an opinion from the other side
My children will either say yes please, no thank you, or yes maam, no maam. It will not psychologically damage them as you say. It's called manners. If the kids in your DH's family have issues, it's not b/c of these little words.
I found this to be very common in Texas, where I lived for 5 years in my 20's. I'm from NYC - the only time I would use "ma'am" is when thanking a lady who is a stranger and older than me.
My friend from Texas has her child respond "Yes, Mommy"
I think this is more about learning how to politely address people than it is about repressing feelings. If those cousins have repressed anger it is because they are not allow to express their emotions, not because they are raised to say "ma'am" and "sir"
Anyway, I was just reading that the happiest parents are those who allow each other some autonomy in how they raise the children, even if it conflicts with what they personally would do. So your response to your DH, "You can do this but I won't," was textbook perfect! well done!