What do we say?

FutureMrsWittig

SD sees a counselor and has for about a year and a half now.  BM used to come to her appointments (mostly so she could throw a fit about how inconvenient it was, because she didn't think SD needed it) and she would sit in the waiting room with DH or myself, whoever brought her to the appointment.  Eventually she stopped coming unless we were doing an evaluation with the counselor and now she doesn't even come to those.

SD has been asking her mom to come to one of her appointments for about 6 weeks now.  She wants her mom to come into the session and work with her.  BM keeps telling her she's "too busy", or "it's a bad time", and she refuses to set up her own appointment time and take SD when it is convenient for her.

In BM's defense she does have 3 other kids and a totally worthless DH who doesn't help her with them at all.

But last night SD asked me if we could talk.  She asked me why her mom goes to all of her little sister's stuff, and all of her brother's doctor's appointments, etc... but she comes to less and less of SDs stuff all the time.  She flat out asked me why her mom doesn't care.

What the hell do I say to that?  I won't tell her to talk to her mom about it, every time I've done that in the past her mom has ended up yelling at her for "being selfish" and telling her that maybe if she helped out more with her siblings then she could have some time to spend just the two of them (SD is not quite 9). 

I ended up telling her that her mom loves her very much and I'm sure she wishes she could be at everything.  I pointed out that she went to one of SDs school activities that DH and I didn't make it to (it was during the day, BM is unemployed), and that I'm sure she does her best to try and be there for all her kids.  But I could see in SDs eyes that she wasn't satisfied with that answer....

What do we say?

SueBear

If I were in your shoes I would say that if BM didn't take her own kids to the doctor's, there would be nobody to take them (assuming her H wouldn't step up to the plate).  BM knows that you / SD are reliable and will get her there.   Also, that she can't be everywhere, and it is hard to juggle a 9 year old and younger children.  It's not that she doesn't care, but that she has a lot going on right now.

Sooner or later your SD will figure it all out, but it is kind of you to delay her realization as long as possible.

Sigir

SueBear:

If I were in your shoes I would say that if BM didn't take her own kids to the doctor's, there would be nobody to take them (assuming her H wouldn't step up to the plate).  BM knows that you / SD are reliable and will get her there.   Also, that she can't be everywhere, and it is hard to juggle a 9 year old and younger children.  It's not that she doesn't care, but that she has a lot going on right now.

I agree with this approach.  I hate when dc asks things like this about exh (luckily for us it is not that often).  I try to just reinforce that exh loves dc but just can't make everything, but that I am happy to be there.

It stinks!

Nineoceans

It's definitely not your job to cover for Bm. I would just listen and ask questions like "how does that make you feel" "what makes you think thats true?" "would you feel safe telling mom this in a nice way?" 

 Sometimes we flat out tell SS adults make mistakes just like kids. I think your sd is old enough to know what's up but it sounds like she just needs a good sounding board 

sweetie0228

When my kids were crying and asking why their BF would or wouldn't call on their birthday, pick them up, ect... I would tell them.  "Your father loves you but it's disappointing and frustrating he can't show you his love the way you need to be shown."  And then I would remind them of the people in their lives that didn't disappoint them.

This way puts the responsiblity on the adult that is disappointing, vaildates the child's feelings and reassures that somewhere the parent loves them.

When they are old enough to ask the direct questions, they are old enough to be told the truth at age appropriate levels.

FutureMrsWittig

Nineoceans:

It's definitely not your job to cover for Bm. I would just listen and ask questions like "how does that make you feel" "what makes you think thats true?" "would you feel safe telling mom this in a nice way?" 

 Sometimes we flat out tell SS adults make mistakes just like kids. I think your sd is old enough to know what's up but it sounds like she just needs a good sounding board 

Thank you for this.  I know my job is not to make her feel a certain way, it's just to help her understand her own feelings.  This sounds like a good way to put things.