Jealousy?

sedge1

I went back to work yesterday, so I think that's what has me sort of down in the dumps. But, lately, I've been jealous and almost angry at women who have perfect pregnancies and full term babies. I had an early miscarriage before I got pregnant with DD and then she was born 8 weeks early. When I see all these girls that never have miscarriages, or even when I see a random VERY pregnant stranger, I get really irritated. Why not me? Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for my DD and for the fact that she is healthy and growing. I guess I am just jealous. Then I think, well maybe next time I'll go full term because I'll be watched more closely. But what if next time the baby comes even earlier? Sorry, my thoughts are jumbled. Just thought maybe you ladies could relate.......

lwmooney87

I understand completely. Honestly, for me, it hasn't gotten much better either. DD is 10 months and I still think (almost daily) about how it's not fair that I didn't get to carry to term, or have a big belly. It doesn't help that I work in an OB/GYN office and I'm surrounded by pregnant people.  The other day, they wanted me to work with the OB patients (I'm a nurse and typically work GYN only) and I had a melt down! Seriously, I was ridiculous I'm sure. I told them that at this point, I can't work in OB. I'm sure they don't understand and they think I'm crazy or something. I should probably get some counseling for the PTSD. :-/

It does get better. When DD was in the hospital and when she first came home, it was the hardest. Now, she's SO sweet and entertaining, it's easy to forget what I missed out on because I keep thinking of what I get to enjoy now. One of the ONLY good things about having a preemie is they are in the "baby" stage a little longer than other babies.

ETA: I'm also EXTREMELY bitter that I had to have a emergency classical c-section. Meaning my uterus was cut vertically, so I can never go into labor, much less have a vaginal birth (If we decide we want another baby). I feel like I was robbed of that experience too

It's just not fair for any of us. People just don't understand unless they've been there.

Good luck! It will get easier but know that you're not alone.

Pips09

Yes, I can totally relate. I get really jealous of women who had easy pregnancies and full-term babies. I'm hoping that it will get easier as I get farther away from my birth/NICU experience, but I don't know if it will ever really go away. I feel guilty recently because I'm resentful of my cousin who is already farther along in her pregnancy than I ever got.

SRK128

I completely agree and understand. One of my best friends just had twins at 35 weeks(same as me) and they were perfectly fine and could go home right away. It makes me sad that I have to go to the NICU everyday and see full term moms taking home healthy babies.

gysberger04

I am also in the same boat.  I had to watch my sister give birth to her a full term baby within a week of my original due date, then my cousin had a baby a few weeks later full term, and a ton of people I know are pregnant (though I don't see them in person, just on facebook).  I even found myself glaring at people on a walk yesterday who looked further along in their pregnancies than I ever got to.  I know that I need to go to counseling to help move past this, but I don't know what type of counselor to seek out.  I just really hate that this special time in my life got 'taken away' from me (or at least that's how I feel.

JuliaJAG

Ohhhhhhh, yes. I struggle with this big-time.

Here's the thing. My husband and I had been trying for a baby since 2002. We had SIX miscarriages (completely devastating). I'm a baby/children's photographer, so I had the agony of having to ooh and ahh over other people's adorable babies, all while I had empty arms.

Then finally, with this pregnancy, I thought we were finally having our chance! I loved being pregnant and was so excited to finally have a baby of our own. I had a great second trimester and couldn't wait for the third. Then, pre-eclampsia happened. Almost as soon as I hit 27 weeks, I was admitted to the hospital... then had to deliver at 29 weeks. So, I basically had no third trimester... no big huge belly... no shower (yet -- although we'll have two this month, it won't be the same with neither a big belly nor a baby to show off since he'll still be in the NICU and I wouldn't want to expose him to germs anyway!).

I'm jealous of all the women who get easily pregnant, such as my friend who just announced her SEVENTH pregnancy. (Well, this pregnancy was my seventh, too, but hers all got to live.)

I'm jealous of women who say they're so worried they'll have a preemie -- and they've already hit 35 or 36 weeks.

Who am I kidding; I'm jealous of those of you who made it to 30 weeks or longer (sorry; I'm just being honest!). 

I'm jealous of my May 2012 due date buddies who are still gloriously pregnant, and who will continue to be for the next 2+ months, while my son is fighting for his life in the NICU. 

I'm jealous of all my photographer customers with huge, gorgeous bellies. (BTW, I never took even ONE belly shot... I took one at 22 weeks when my belly was still flat... I will always kick myself that I didn't take even one quick iPhone shot in the hospital when I found out I was about to have an emergency c-section.) 

I'm jealous of everyone who's younger than me (I am 40!) who gets another shot at having a full-term baby, or who had full-term babies previously.

It's really overwhelming and I probably do need to see a counselor about it. 

vsalt31

I'm not so much jealous of other people's pregnancies, but I do worry a lot about what happens when DH & I decide to have another baby.  I know that I now have an increased risk of having another pre-term baby.  What happens if the baby comes earlier?....

KatFCo

DD will be 5 in June and I still get jealous sometimes, especially when I hear women say "I can't wait to be done with this pregnancy" or "I hope the baby comes a few weeks early."

DD came 16 weeks early, and I had such a hard time just looking at a pregnant woman. When I got pregnant this time, I still worried every day. And it makes me feel even more jealous that women have pregnancies where they don't have to worry and wonder, "Will today be the day or do I get to stay pregnant another day?"

However, these feelings do dissipate, especially once your preemie goes home and as s/he grows.

Mrs. Alice

No worries, your feelings are very very common among preemie moms like us.  I also had a early m/c before the twins and still feel like I am "mourning" the loss of a normal pregnancy and delivery.  Then the dark side of me takes over and tells me how freaking lucky I am to have had the good outcome of 2 healthy babies when things could have gone much differently.  However I think after all we went through it's made me a stronger person and really has made me appreciate the things you take for granted.  I can always hope that my next pregnancy will be different but of course I will always have the fears that most women don't have.

kelkel09

trust me, what you are feeling is totally normal. I feel the same way when I see or hear about girls going full term...especially other twin moms. I always wonder why I had to go through all of this and not them. Then I always feel guilty because I don't want to wish this experience on anyone else, but I just have a hard time understanding why some people are lucky with perfect pregnancies and I was not.

sweetpea2003

I went through something like that.

Pregnancy 1 - miscarriage (11 weeks)

Pregnancy 2 - took 2 years to concieve (after m/c) and required IVF/ICSI.  THen I lost a twin at 10 weeks.  At 20 weeks it was discovered I had a short cervix.  DD was 5 weeks early.

I was pretty bitter.  I couldn't get pregnant, couldn't stay pregnant, then couldn't deliver at term.  I felt broken, angry, etc.

Then I got pregnant with my DS very unexpectedly when DD was 7 months old.  With lots of help from P-17, Procardia, and milions of ultrasounds I carried him to term. 

To the casual onlooker in Target I probably looked very fertile with my baby daughter and very pregnant self.  But I had been through HELL and it was not easy AT ALL.  It taught me a lesson that you can't judge a book by it's cover.  That helped me not feel as bitter because you just never know what that very pregnant woman you see has been through.  She might have had a stillborn, a preemie, been through a bunch of miscarriages, be carrying a baby that has a terminal issue, etc.  We just never know.

I"m no telling you that your feelings are wrong, just that when you see women who LOOK like they have it easy/perfect - they might be struggling too.  You aren't alone.