Convincing DH to adopt?

illinigal

I don't know if this gets asked all the time, but I tried to look and didn't see it.  I usually hang out on the infertiliy vets board.  See history in siggy.

I haven't researched adoption yet, but I know it's a long and difficult process.  I do know I want to be a mom no matter what and would do whatever it takes.  I've always imagined my life with kids and not sure if I can imagine a life without them... maybe I can, but it would take some time.  However, I brought up the idea of adoption to DH and he says he doesn't want to do it and that its not for him.  He basically wants a bio baby or nothing.  We agreed to give IVF another shot this summer, but that will probably be our last shot at IVF for awhile.  Any chance he'll change his mind on adoption?  Should I start researching it anyway and maybe if he sees I'm really serious, that would help.  Were any of your dhs opposed to it and took some time to come around?  Several ladies mentioned to me this could happen.  Or maybe you were against it initially and Dh convinced you.  Any advice?

Honeydew1894

Hi there.  I am so sorry for our struggles.  We knew adoption would be our only route to a family when we got married, but it still took DH time to really accept it.  He has always lagged behind my readiness, but he was open to it.  He has come along in time, and maybe your DH will too. I think it couldn't hurt to start researching.  To me, finding answers makes the process less scary. Good luck!

Hope2Have

I'm sorry you have struggled so much with IF, it sucks. 

My story is different, we weren't looking into it, and I got a text from a cousin asking if we wanted a baby that was going to be born soon, she knew the lady who was PG. My H is NOT open to new ideas at all... and is always very guarded. I talked to my cousin, the bmom's mom and the bmom on a Saturday night all night long without my H knowing it, then took him to Outback the next day... got him steak and lobster and asked him what he thought... He actually cursed and told me I had lost my dam mind, lol. It was crazy, but I knew in my heart that it was a real possibility so I had to tell him all the ways that if it worked, would benefit him (no more going into a lab to "spit" in a cup was a big one).

I think it is a good idea to talk with him about the positive ways it will benefit him... it worked wonders for my H. That sounds bad, but it was a good outcome for me. Also maybe show him some profiles online of families that are waiting? I wish you the best of luck! 

kekis

Hey love!  Good to see you here.  I was opposed to adoption for a long while for some of the same reasons as your DH.  My DH was ready to pursue adoption long before I was.  It took time for me to get beyond the fear and see that the bottom-line is that I want us to have children, be parents, and be a family.  Have you seen a counselor?  Might be worth it if he's reluctant or even against the thoughts you have.  Hope it works out for the best whatever path you guys decide.  We'll be here for you along the way!

Rachel Sonnier

This is what worked for me. Not sure if it will help you, but it doesn't hurt to try! 

My DH was never against adoption per se, but he has definitely been putting me off about it for years, saying he wasn't ready or that we didn't know enough about it to really make a decision. He was initially against IF treatments, but somehow he warmed up to it when we started talking about adoption the first time. LOL

However, our 2nd almost 3 year round of IF was a complete failure, and very difficult on both of us. I have probably been talking about adoption for about 6 years now, on and off, so it didn't surprise him when I brought it up after we decided to quit IF treatments.

It did however, take some time and easing into it for him. Once he agreed that it "might" be an option for us. I took over making slow, steady progress until he felt comfortable and I'd back off when I could tell he needed some time to process. When I push, he tends to push back in the opposite direction, so I tried to be really subtle about it so I wouldn't lose any ground (which was really hard!!).

First I got him to agree to let me "look into it." Which doesn't sound like anything big, but I knew he was considering it since he let me send off for a packet from an agency.

Then he agreed that I should get more info, and go to dinner with a friend of a friend who had adopted.

Then I bought him a book and started emailing him my research a few times a month.

Then I started asking him about the book and the info in the emails, which lead to conversations, where we were able to address his concerns and nervousness openly.

Then it came to the point where we had found an agency we both liked, but weren't sure if they would even accept us.

So one day I asked him to ask if I could submit the pre-app info packet, just to see if they would even accept us. I knew I had him at that point, when he agreed.

Then we were accepted! So, naturally the next step was to sign up for the orientation, which he also agreed to and seems to be really looking forward it.

At this point, we pretty much agreed that we were doing this. All of this happened over the course the past 4-5 months. But knowing my husband's personality, I knew he just needed some time and info to warm up to the idea. My mom is the same way, so instead of just springing it on her, I have been telling her about our progression towards adoption step by step in a really easy going way, so that she could get used to the idea.

But you know your husband best, and what works for him. He might be the kind of guy who responds well to a night out on the town and a persuasive schpeel, or maybe he's the kind of guy who needs to do the research himself to feel comfortable, maybe he needs to spend some time with some adoptive families, and maybe he needs a little time like mine did. You are probably the best person to figure out what will work for him, but best of wishes. I know it can be very frustrating. 

Good Luck! I sure hope things work out for you guys! 

may2806

Hi illinigal - I'm so sorry again for everything you've been through. I agree with pp that it might just take some time for your DH to come around, especially since the hurt from your last cycle is still very raw. I wanted to also share that for me, accepting adoption as a possibility was very hard. I had already given up the genetic connection since I was using DE, but the thought of also giving up pregnancy has been really, really hard for me to deal with. The other things that concern me are all the hoops to jump through for adoption, the additional waiting - right now I just resent all of that, like haven't I been through enough? Plus, I will admit that the thought of a BM's role in my child's life scares me. I know it's what's best for the child, but the thought of having someone else as part of 'my' family is very hard for me to come to terms with.

But, as our IF treatments wind down (one more cycle and any leftover frosties, otherwise, that's it) I'm more open to finding out about it because it's either that or no children, and I just can't imagine that life. So, I'm slowly researching. Some things will freak me out about the process when I learn about them, and I'm still concerned about the BM thing, but I'm hoping that as I read more and as(or if) it becomes reality I will be more accepting.

I hope that helps! You know I wish you all the luck in the world whatever your path to a family becomes. 

bumpuser794640

My DH was against adoption at first.  I think a lot of his hesitancy (and many people's, for that matter) comes from not being educated.  How did he respond to having to use IF treatments at first?  I feel that once people become educated, they can make a better decision.

I kept doing research about IF treatments and adoption when we were deciding what to do.  Once I felt like I had a good grasp on the process and potential issues, I asked DH if we could revisit the conversation about adopting, and he had really had a change of heart, without any nagging or anything like that (not to say that you would nag, but YKWIM).

I think you just have to give it time.  Especially with your history, I can understand why your DH might be unsure about adopting (still grieving, you were close to bio kids but tragedy struck, etc.).

inlovewithB

Hey illinigal!!! I didn't post anything on the IF boards, but as you can see I am a Mom now thanks to the amazing gift of adoption!

I hate that you have had such a hard road!!! I was ready to start the adoption process before MH was. During that time I would show him adoption blogs and the stories of the regular posters here on The Bump. He would hear me out, but wasn't ready to move forward. It took him 7 months of "talking about and researching" before he was ready. It was actually a Modern Family episode that finally made him decide it was time (the one where the gay couple decides they are ready to adopt baby #2). Even then he didn't want to stop IF treatments and we decided to move forward with both (some agencies will not allow this, but ours did). 

I think the stories and blogs of "real people" were what really helped him and the TV episode was just a moment when all his emotions came to the surface.

I will send you the link to our blog that has our entire adoption story. Ours is one of the "fast" ones and those are the ones that really got MH interested.  

lady_chance_99

hi. first let me apologize for this post... i am on my phone and can not use any punctuation except a period. to answer your question... my dh was very strongly against adoption... especially when i brought up foster to adopt. he was completely indignant that i would even bring it up. i had to attend an orientation by myself last fall because he refused to consider it. with my husband there is a definate process though... first i shock him with what crazy idea i have... then he flips out because he doesnt handle any kind of change well... then he gets acclimated to that part... until i spring the rest of it on him. kind of a swimming pool philosopy... when you first get in its shockingly cold but then you relax until you wade in deeper... eventually you just dunk your head in and everything is fine. last night my husband dunked his head in finally... we have been going through training for eight weeks but last night the trainers told us the likelihood of getting placements and it finally all became real to him. overall it just took time and a whole lot of perserverence as well as reassurance. dh came in with a lot of fear but six months after he shunned the original idea he attended orientation and got to get his own questions answered... which made the water seem a lot warmer. gl and i hope this helped in some way.

illinigal

Thanks ladies!  I hope we get a miracle BFP or our next IVF works.  But if not, I hope my Dh comes around.