- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
2nd Trimester
lewispm
member
MIL worries (kind of a rant...kind of a question)
lewispm
member
Ok, so I kind of have an awful mother in law. I mean, she means well and we have a "pleasant" relationship, but sometimes I catch myself really disliking her and I feel horrible! My husband has no clue she gets to me like she does and I worry once the baby comes that I will be alone in my absolute frustration with her rude, controlling, and just plain weird behavior.
Example #1: about 3 years ago, after my husband and I had been dating about a year (no engagement, no baby on the way, etc) and she went into a full blown lecture with me on breastfeeding. And I'm talking basically commanding me that one day, when her son and I have kids, I WILL exclusively breast feed for at least one year or until our baby self weanes (not that I'm against this, its just none of her damn business what I chose to do!)
Example #2: She saw me for the first time since announcing our pregnancy at 10 weeks last week and had the nerve to tell me, in front of about 7 friends and family members, that I am gaining weight in my butt and thighs. And THEN proceeded to approach my mom, sister, and aunt at our gender reveal party and voice her concern for my weight gain to them (and who knows who else) as well. I am 21 weeks and have only gained about 12 pounds! My doctor says thats perfect!
Example #3: She feels the need to showoff her "self-perceived" expertise about EVERYTHING to EVERYONE! She comments to random strangers that their babies need sunscreen at the zoo, she corrects the way I pull a cookie sheet out of the oven, she REARRANGED the pictures I had hanging on my walls throughout my house without permission, she tells me INCORRECT information regarding my pregnancy (eg: telling me at 19 weeks that my baby was only about the size of a quarter so I shouldn't be showing, which I wasn't), and coming to stay at my husband and I's new house that we lived in for only 3 weeks and proceeding to point out everything that I lacked in my guestroom for guests, like bandaids and a haridryer and Q-tips. Bring your own lady!!!
Sheesh, I could go on forever! No one in my family particularly likes her, but since we are all polite and raised as Christians we try to see past her flaws and give her the benefit of the doubt but it is getting SO HARD! What will I do when baby comes!! I don't her babysitting as she has a horrible potty mouth and doesn't know when to turn it off and her entire family yells and screams and curses at eachother all the time! I love my husband, but I often question how he turned out so normal.
Ok...done. If you read all that then THANKS! that was long. Haha
So...anyone with a similar situation? Advice? Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL worries (kind of a rant...kind of a question)
Wow. She sounds like a peach
Have you ever told her how annoying she is? (obviously not in those words maybe) My MIL is wonderful and she's never tried to overstep her boundaries because I don't allow it. If I were you, I would say something along these lines
#1 My decision to breastfeed is MY decision. Not yours. How else is she going to back off unless you tell her to back off. It's not rude. She's rude.
#2 Actually my OB says my weight gain is perfect. I don't really see how it's any of your business so please don't talk about my personal situation with anyone. Again, you need to tell her to SHUT UP.
#3 MIL, I'm sure they put sunscreen on their kid and if they didn't it's not your problem.
(cookie sheet) You do it you way, I'll do it mine.
Where were you when she rearranged your pictures??? Please respect my home and do not move around my things. Thanks.
MIL, we don't plan on equipping our guest room with extra amenities. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable staying in a hotel.
This is your baby that's coming. You and DH can do whatever you want with him. You need to stand your ground. You need to be clear with MIL how things go in your home and with your family. She sounds like a VERY stubborn woman and stubborn people need to be told (bluntly) what you want or else they will do it their way.
Good luck!!!
Woah...........Better start cracking the whip now, sister. Cuz that mama is out of control!
Get DH on board and make him 100% aware of all your issues with his mum and get his viewpoint on it....Is he a mama's boy? If not, GOOD. You're gonna need his aid in drawing the lines for MIL's inappropriate behavior. I highly suggest you do this NOW and not wait until after baby is born.
I would be vocal with her about my issues. Have you just let her walk all over you like a doormat in the past? IE: when she moved your pictures around, did you say "hey I liked them how I had them" and move them back? Or are they still up where she left them? When she told you you were fat (basically) did you tell her you were offended or did you ignore her? When she invited herself over (you should have not allowed this, IMO) and bitched about your lack of her personal necessities, did you mention that what you had was what you had and if she needed anything else, she should bring it with in the future?
Those are things you will have to start doing NOW if you haven't begun already (I'm assuming not?)
I will be thinking of you...as I have a BSC MIL and DH and I have become a united front against her BS and bizareness...I know it's reallllly hard, and it sucks to feel like you're "rocking the boat" by defending yourself-- but trust me, you won't regret it
----------
"Everything happens for a reason"
----------
Thanks for the advice! I have tried not to be a wet doormat lately like I was when we first atrted dating. I replied with "well gee thanks alot for that" when she commented on my weight, I moved the pictures back but didn't say anything, and I have sort of gotten a little more confrontational (something that I usually never am) with her since I know I need to stop her behavior before it gets even worse!
As far as DH is concerned, most of my worries lie in the fact that he IS a momma's boy (we barely see her because she lives 11 hrs away...thank goodness) and he gets defensive whenever I mention something that upsets me that she did. He did stand up for me by telling her not to talk about my weight to people anymore, but he played devils advocate with me by telling me "she just doesn't understand" social norms and he "feels really bad for her", like he sympathizes more with her than with me! I know he gets VERY annoyed when she tries to tell him how to train our dogs, so hopefully he will see it if she tries to be overbearing with our child as well. I pray everyday that he will see it so I won't be alone in this! He is pretty sensitive when it comes to his mother because he doesn't see her as "rude" but rather "socially akward", which leads him to feel bad for her rather than correct her!
People who act like this and stress me out I just don't have anything to do with.
I understand she is family, but that doesn't mean that you need to put up with it.
Either you or DH or both have a talk with her, give her a chance to change, if not i would limit your contact with her.
DH's family is all about the drama, like i really need to start on that book because no one would believe it.
Anyways, I just limit my interactions with them as I refuse to put myself through the stress just because they are dh's family. DH understands completely and feels the same way so i'm really lucky.
Good luck to you
sadly...you have described MY MOM!!! As much as I love my mom, she was/is an absolute (fill in the blank). My sister-in-law had a very difficult time dealing with things my mom would say and do.
One particular comment that sticks out in my mind is "Well, you just don't love your sons kids as much/same way you love your daughters kids". My mom made that comment when my poor sister-in-law was about 6 months pregnant with my oldest nephew who is now 13. (Mind you, it is only now, 14 years later, that she will finally get to experience her daughter giving her a grandchild).
That being said, the advice I gave my sister-in-law was as follows...
1. You know how my mom is...don't expect her to be a cuddly, loveable MIL, because when you have that expectation of her, you will be let down...every time. So, if you don't set any expectations for her to be 'nice', you will not be let down.
2. You can't control what she's gonna' say/do...so don't try. But...you CAN control the reaction you have to her. That is actually the only thing you can control.
I know this is easier said than done, but it's really all you can do, st of cutting ties. Hope this help, good luck!
even if he doesn't agree with how she makes you feel, bottom line is she makes you feel that way. He shouldn't be ok with you feeling like that.
THIS!!! This was a tactic I used with DH when it came to explaining to him that he had a choice about whose feeling he could protect. Mine or someone else's. And just like venussaphire mentioned...your feeling are your feelings, and you are entiled to them. Right or wrong-it's how you feel, and EVEN IF someone doesn't MEAN to make you feel any which way, doesn't mean you don't feel a certain way.
I know how that goes!!
To a point, I can understand this. For me personally, it's one thing if I say my mom is acting psychotic or criticize something, it's QUITE another when my DH says something. Although I'm an only child and VERY close with my parents.
On the other side of it my MIL is bsc... I've learned to live with it. DH didn't really realize how crazy she was until we were engaged - it was like it sent her into some alternate universe. I never said anything to him until one day he came out and asked me, "Does my mother drive you crazy?" He opened the flood gates. Fortunately, she lives 2.5 hours away and there's some other family drama going on that prevents us from seeing her often, but bet your bottom dollar if she starts telling me how to raise my kids, we're going to have words.
I relate in so many ways it's not funny. I'm with u. Very frustrating. Hopefully it gets better for you. We dont see my mil that often because a few years ago I snapped over the same sorts of things. Hang in there! But if it's your house, stand up for yourself or get DH to do it for u. Tell him how u feel. It might help
Your MIL is just plain rude. I made it a point during my first pregnancy to overshare a bit. I was very open to anyone about my desire not to breastfeed, use cloth diapers, whatever. It seemed to work to a certain extent because people who would have normally shot their mouths off, didn't say anything because I said it first.
If she mentions breastfeeding again to you, I would said something like" Well, I'm doing my research and going to try, but whatever happens, happens. I'm keeping an open mind about everything."