No idea what the solution is here :(

Rhenna

Hi everyone, I'm new to this board and have an upcoming problem that I haven't been able to work out.  I thought maybe someone may have some advice here.

DS is starting kindergarten in the fall and his father and I have joint custody.  We alternate weeks where I'll have him 4 days/him 3 days then the next week 3 days/4 days.  I think we did it kind of confusing and a lot of people can't follow it but we tried to make it as 50/50 as possible.  The problem is that we live 35 min apart.  I have no idea how to make this work when my son starts school.  Not to mention that we both want him in school where we live.  I had the thought that maybe it would have to be set up so one of us had the weekdays and DS would go to school where that parent lives and then the other parent would have every weekend.  But the problem is I know neither of us want to give up being part of his school nor do either of us want to give up any weekend time.  I know something has to give but I just don't know what to do.  The only other possibility I can think of is that one of us will just have to drive him and pick him up each day from school that may be near the others home.  Does this all make sense?  I'm just at such a loss for what to do.

Banana44

We have 50% custody of SS - and we live about 25 - 30 minutes from BM.  SS goes to school near BMs house.  We drive him the 25 minute in the morning and 25 minutes after school - its not really a big deal.  On the days he is with his BM - he takes the bus.

We do 5-2-2-5 schedule.  This is what it looks like: BM always has Mon, Tues - DH always has Wed, Thurs - we rotate weekends.  So in a 2 week period - starting with monday it looks like this:

Mom (mon), Mom (tues), Dad (wed), Dad ( thurs) Dad (fri), Dad, (sat), Dad (sun) Mom (mon) Mom (tues) Dad (wed) Dad (thurs) Mom (fri) Mom (sat) Mom (sun).

We are all involved in shcool and we all have our share of weekdays and weekends.  The nice part about always having Wed, turs is we can enroll SS in an activity that maybe BM wouldn't - like swim lessons, or karate - or whatever!

Driving 30 minutes to and from school should not be a big deal for one of the parents - it just becomes a way of life!  And honestly - SS and I have great talks on our drive home from school!

Rhenna

Thank you!!!  I think something like this is what we need to do.  We have already been doing the driving because it's just unavoidable but my ex always tries to guilt me about it and I do feel bad but like you said, it's just how our lives are.  There really is no other way about it.

Now we just have to fight over who's school DS is going to go to. blah!!!

dmndsr4eva

I think since you both seem to agree on 50/50 that you probably should have moved closer to eachother?  Is that possible? 

In my case I live almost 2 hours away from BF so I know that he will never get 50/50.

Rhenna

It's a long story about why we don't live near each other.  Basically exh moved to get away from living near me because he couldn't handle our break up and I had to move closer to work because I was commuting over an hour each way.  Exh is now unemployed and has been for over a year and he is living in his dad's vacant house so he really isn't in a position to live near me nor me him.

FutureMrsWittig

Do your research on both schools.  And I know driving him won't be ideal, but just tell yourself that's 35 minutes of uninterrupted one on one.  It can be a really great thing.

Holly_1007

honestly, your child should go to whichever school is the BEST school.  smallest student teacher ratio, good policies in place in regards to bullying, up to date facilities with access to technology etc.  most public schools are rated by the goverment, a simple google search should allow you to compare the two schools fairly easily. 

the driving thing is going to suck, for whoever ends up on the "long distance" side of the stick, but you need to put the child and his education first. 

Littlejen22

Where do you live and is it somewhat permanent?  Which school is better or are they fairly equal?  His living situation seems temporary so if yours is more permanent and the school is decent I would keep him in your district but you might need to offer to do some of the driving to help his Father so that he will agree.  The other thing is I would suggest changing the custody so that DS is with one parent for the week so likely one week with you then one week with his father.  I know that some people will not agree to this b/c they do not want to go a week without seeing their child (and I understand that) but from what I have read on here it can be difficult on the kids, teachers and parents to go back and forth during the week.  Try your best to not make the school have to be involved in your custody issues, meaning having huge amounts of stuff that needs to go back and forth.  Good luck with everything.

Rhenna

Littlejen22:

Where do you live and is it somewhat permanent?  Which school is better or are they fairly equal?  His living situation seems temporary so if yours is more permanent and the school is decent I would keep him in your district but you might need to offer to do some of the driving to help his Father so that he will agree.  The other thing is I would suggest changing the custody so that DS is with one parent for the week so likely one week with you then one week with his father.  I know that some people will not agree to this b/c they do not want to go a week without seeing their child (and I understand that) but from what I have read on here it can be difficult on the kids, teachers and parents to go back and forth during the week.  Try your best to not make the school have to be involved in your custody issues, meaning having huge amounts of stuff that needs to go back and forth.  Good luck with everything.

The two elementary schools are very close in quality but the middle and high schools near me blow his out of the water.  Where I'm living is permanent but my ex is making it seem like he is going to live at his dad's place long term even if he finds a job.  I have thought about a week on / week off kind of a schedule and we both thought it might be easier on DS.  He is starting to get really sad when he has to leave me because he doesn't feel like the time was long enough.  I just have a feeling that my ex is going to try to pull a card that I have to work and will be having before and after school care where he will be home and can walk DS to and from school.  But in my mind that isn't permanent unless he plans on being unemployed for the next 6 years.

Wahoo

I think you have a strong case to pull for the school closest to you.  I'm assuming that your H doesn't plan on living in his dad's home forever.  exH would be the more mobile person, and if he moves out of his dad's home, even if DS is in the same school district, he could be in a different elementary school. 

Also, if he is unemployed, what does he care about driving 30 minutes? 

Rhenna

Wahoo:

I think you have a strong case to pull for the school closest to you.  I'm assuming that your H doesn't plan on living in his dad's home forever.  exH would be the more mobile person, and if he moves out of his dad's home, even if DS is in the same school district, he could be in a different elementary school. 

Also, if he is unemployed, what does he care about driving 30 minutes? 

 It is his Dad's house but his dad doesn't live there.  It is basically a free house for him.  So unless his Dad wants the house back or wants to sell it exh will be there for as long as he can.  That could be forever for all I know.  He cares because he is lazy and he has a major "it's not fair" complex. 

hopanka

Either do one week on one week off, or to make it fair, the parent that has to do the long drive to school gets an additional day of parenting time.

Also, the schedule that Banana described sounds pretty reasonable and logical.

hajski

We do a 5225 schedule during school and alternate weeks in the summer. We both live the same distance away from school. It works well. SS is in middle school. When he is home with BM he rides the bus for 35 minutes and she only lives 7 minutes away. When he is home with us, we drive him for about 7 minutes and on Wednesdays he has to stay in an after school program because neither DH nor I can get him right after school. Before we lived so close, we drove 40 minutes to school in the morning and then picked SS up from BM's after work since he practically got off of the bus, walked in her house, ate a snack and one of us showed up. We just couldn't get to his school in time for dismissal. We have all just made it work along the way because it is what is best for SS.  Everyone is just used to it and we don't try to pigeon-hole ourselves into some perfect little plan. We have to be flexible.

Ooglybear

We do a 50/50 every other week schedule. We live about 30 mins apart now, but have lived 1hr apart years ago. The only real problem that we have had is lots of tardies since they live so far half the time.

Honestly, I cannot fathom a 5-2-2-5 schedule during the school year; it seems crazy with trying to maintain some consistency and coordinating homework and managing after school care. (I had that schedule as a child for a year and I hated it.) There's pros and cons for both, but the week on week off thing works well for us.

There is wording in the CO that gives DH the right to establish the primary residence, so they go to school by our address. 

karatechrissy

My H and his ex are in the exact same place as you. 3/4 days alternating, live 25 min away, SS started K this yr. they decided on the school by our house bc it was better than the one by BM. She drives him the 20 min on her days. We live 5 min away. We give her CS to help w the gas. It has worked out fine. 

SueBear

Time to lawyer up and work it out in court.  You won't be able to "agree to disagree."  Somebody is going to be unhappy - just make sure it's not your DC.

If it were me, I'd make the choice that was easier on my working schedule.  Let your ex worry about himself and what is "fair" to him, and let the judge decide if you can't agree.

lona.hunn@gmail.com

I had the exact same situation as you when DS1 was that age.

1. We quit the every 4 day rotation when he started kindergarten and just went to every other week. It became too confusing and DS was adjusting fine to the divorce at that point. 

2. ExH and I lived in separate school districts about 20 mins apart. Since I was the one who moved out, I agreed to let DS stay in his dads school district since it's where he would have went anyway if we'd stayed together. 

3. The driving back and forth sucks I'll admit. DS is now in middle school and it's even further than his elementary school. But we make it our time together. Sometimes we stop and get breakfast..I'm counting down the months till he can drive..:)

4. I don't feel left out of the school functions. I've volunteered at his schools and I also get everything mailed to me at home plus emails..