Vent/Advice Needed

covertxxamour

I don't know how you other ladies do it. I can't seem to find strength to figure out exactly what I want to do.

DD's father (or sperm donor) claims he only wants to be a part of my child's life if I make him pay child support. Then, he wife had the nerve to message me on facebook the other day asking how DD was, and if she's hitting all of her milestones, etc. She said "We want her a part of our family if she is his child!"  But yet, he got a PFA out on me (which got dropped to a civil orded because the judge saw no reason for a PFA). He hasn't seen DD since X-mas Eve. And what do you mean IF she is his child? HE KNEW SHE WAS HIS CHILD.. now he's denying her! He was the one acting like he wasn't married, and claimed he wanted to "marry me."  He was sleeping around.. not me! I'm the single one!

I'm supposed to have a court date on March 16, for paternity/child support. I really think I'm going to cancel it. I know a lot of you have told me in the past to "get child support because your child is entitled to it." That makes sense, but I can't get passed the fact that he only wants her in his life if he has to pay for her. It sickens me. He takes care of his other two children. He's a great father, but not to DD. I just can't decide which is the right thing to do. I keep thinking, if he really wants to be a part of her life... he will persue it. I am so lost. I don't want to share her with someone who doesn't want her. I don't need or want his money.. and my daughter won't need it either. I already have started a savings account for her!

scout426

As much as we all come to the boards looking for advice and guidance it is ultimately your decision what you do.  That decision however shouldn't be taken lightly or without researching all the different options out there for you.  Be prepared that if you decide not to file for support that he may change his mind and decide to be an active parent anyway.  Good Luck in what ever you decide.  

tsmomma42

That's tough. Can you even cancel court at this point? If you can cancel and if finances are not an issue then I'd likely do just what you're thinking and not go to court. I totally get that most guys are full of it when they say stuff like that but if his wife is crazy then I'd probably not risk it. That said, I'd wait a couple of years and potentially file for child support then. If he doesn't see her for several years and you can prove he knows she exists then it would look bad for him in terms of getting visitation.

 

I would think long and hard about what you think he will end up doing and how that will impact your life and your DDs life. I don't think there's a right or wrong choice - just what's right for you. That's what I'd do but you should do what you believe is the right thing. Good luck!

JCGreene85

Did you know he was married when you slept with him? 

fauxshelley

OK, I think it's selfish for you to think like that.  I know you say you don't "need" the money, but think of all the doors you could open for your DD if you banked that for her each month.  Also, I would venture to guess that he is just blowing smoke up your butt that he will want to see her only if he pays cs.  Ultimately, he is manipulating you.  IMO, you should do whatever you can to foster a good relationship between your child and her father, as long as he is not abusive.  Will it be uncomfortable for you?  I'm sure, but as a mom we have to do what is in the child's best interest.  Daddy issues are not easy to overcome, and can stay with a girl for a long damn time. 

 

covertxxamour

JCGreene85:

Did you know he was married when you slept with him? 

 It kind of sucks that that is all you got out of my entire post. But, no, of course I didn't know he was married when he and I were dating for over a year. I knew he had 2 children, but he told me they were from a previous marriage. He hid it well. He stayed at my house a lot, and we went out together (dinner/shopping/movies) a lot.

ashleyann331

As difficult as it may be, you need to put aside your feelings for that "man" (I use the term loosely because obviously he isn't acting like much of one) and realize that while financial struggles don't mean your daughter will have a bad life, it will benefit her in the long run to fight for what is owed to her from her father. Not only that, if hes making the child support the main thing it proves that his main concern is his money. I know that every situation is different but with mine I am wanting to get the point across to my STBXH that he can't just say mean things and get me to cower away. You need to do the same as well, for your daughters sake. I realized one day that if I continued to let my STBXH walk all over me it would potentially show my son that its okay to treat someone that way. His wife has NO business sending you a message on facebook (ugh I HATE facebook, I even deleted mine until my divorce/custody stuff is over to avoid that drama) she and you should be able to have a good relationship yes, but clearly that is NOT her motive. Her motives could be to intimidate you, start drama- you react negatively then you look bad, or to find out information you have about your upcoming court date. Remember, this woman took him back after he cheated on her. She obviously doesn't have any intentions of holding him accountable for his actions. DO NOT trust her, or anyone except for family and very close friends at this point. It will be very hard, and probably one of the most overwhelming things you will ever have to deal with but you owe it to your daughter to make things right. Also, if his wife is on drugs you NEED to point that out to the court. If she is, there may be a chance he is. I know no one wants to hear that but its very possible. By the way sweetie, DO NOT let anyone make you feel bad because HE was an a$$ and cheated. I'm the wife of a husband who couldn't keep the ring on his finger and the lies out of his mouth and I don't blame "the other woman" ultimately he is the one that was in the wrong, not you.

Heavensent72

I thought the same as you 7 years ago when I had my daughter.  That I didn't want or need his money and I am not going to force anyone to do anything that they should want to do on their own, and I still feel that way today.  I did not want him to have one privalege toward her if he did not want or earn it.  And after a while (like 4 years) he came around but it had nothing to do with me because I pretty much acted like he did not exist.  Today I have an account at his bank and he puts money in there when he pleases, and I make him buy birthday and Christmas gifts.  He still does not spend any time with her, but I dont care.  I love my baby (well big girl) and it is his loss not mine or hers.  So my advice is if you can do it by yourself, then why not?  Unless he makes a lot of money you are going to get a percentage of that and they will take into account that he has 2 other kids as well and for what?  So he can bring your baby around a drug addict out of spite?  I don't think so.  Nobody can watch my daughter like I can, and I do not want her around someone who I know really doesn't care, not going to happen.  I know everyone says that its is both parent's responsiblity and it is, but for me I have enough on my plate, and enough drama in my life.  I rather my daughter and my daughters well being be the one thing that is calm, stable, and stress free!

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