Attachment Parenting

XP: feeling bad about DH's sleep plan

Hi guys. This is a XP from 0-3. We are struggling with what I think is normal- a little worse than normal sleep issues for a four week old baby. DS will only sleep for 10 minutes to an hour in his cradle or crib. The first couple of weeks, we held him in shifts because he wouldnt sleep at all when layed down, then we progressed to DH holding him for a stretch (10-1) so I could sleep and during this phase he got better sleep; flowing the long stretch with DH he would sometimes sleep in the cradle for two hours. DH got sick and stopped doing that and now is unwilling to start again. Now, DS won't lay down for any period of time and I am going crazy :). DH said enough is enough and we taught DS That it is possible to be held all of the time. He wants to "make" him sleep in his crib by staying in his room and sleeping in the rocking chair, then if he fusses comfort him, pat him, sing to him, in the crib. He wants to make sure all needs are met and then not take him out of his crib for three hours from his last feed when it is time to eat again. I feel awful about this. I mean, it's not exactly CIO but I'm not sure it's ok for a four week old. DH is a SAH dad and an awesome one at that. He is patient and loving with our children. He has told me that he is feeling like I am ignoring his wishes on this issue and completely disregarding him. I am thinking I need to let him try this but feel panicked about how it will affect DS. Thoughts?
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Re: XP: feeling bad about DH's sleep plan

  • I am not sure anyone would be able to adequately comfort/sooth four week old without picking the baby up.

    Are you swaddling? A good tight swaddle can really help.

    When DH is sleeping in your arms, is he upright? I ask this because  my LO had reflux and until we got that under control, he napped upright in our arms.

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  • Are you bf'g? Also the baby is too little for you DH's plan- when mine was this little she ate like every 1-1.5 hrs- and she was colicky- get down w/ AP wear your baby carry your baby- sorry to be militant but meet you baby's needs.
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  • We wear baby for all naps. I BF and he is growing perfectly and going three to four hours between feeds: at night although he wakes every two hours he won't eat; he just falls back asleep in our arms. I follow a lot of AP principles, which is why I posted here and why I am upset. I know this plan isnt great for a four week old. Just looking for constructive help and possibly help dealing with DH.
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  • Our boys would only sleep semi upright at first, we used a swing and a bouncy chair (we swaddled them also). I've heard people have great luck with the rock n play also. They didn't have reflux to the point where they needed meds (no screaming while eating, etc) but they were not comfy laying down. All things considered it was a pretty easy "fix". I'd try to tell dh that he wouldn't want to lay flat if he was having reflux from a big meal even if all his other needs were met,
  • My baby would wake up the moment you put her down until we started swaddling her.  If your baby resists the swaddle, wait until he is deeply asleep, then swaddle, then put down.  The Rock N Play was also great for us b/c she was more cuddled in it and it was at an incline.

    I also agree w/PP, has your LO been evaluated for reflux? 

    Would safe bedsharing be an option for you? 

  • I would also use white noise and think about introducing a pacifier if you aren't using one.

  • Rock n play and white noise worked well for us, too. 
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  • Have you guys tried co-sleeping? Do you have an extra bed in the house where you could sleep with DS, and your husband can get some rest on his own? I've heard those Rock and Plays are totally awesome, though I've never used them myself.

    It's not realistic to try and sleep train a one-month-old, they are just too little. You guys didn't train him to sleep in someone's arms, he just wants to sleep near you or your DH because he's a tiny baby. 

    Maybe read the book "Good Night, Sleep Tight" by Kim West. I think she has reasonable sleep training ideas (that aren't CIO).

    DS1 - Feb 2008

    DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)

  • you cannot "teach" a 4 week old that he can be held all night any more than you can sleep train one-he is too young. You cannot spoil a NB but you can cause their sense of security and trust to be compromised by not responding to their needs adequately.  If DH won't listen to you have him talk to your pedi. Men have Kooky ideas about when babies' beahvior can be shaped and if your H is anything like mine, he migh hear it more from the doc.
  • I wore DD for all naps and coslept with her until 6 months.  It was the only way anyone got any sleep.  It was at that point when I knew she didn't need to nurse every 45 minutes that we transitioned to the crib in order to save everyone's sanity.  

    I can understand your DH not wanting his wishes to be disregarded, but he also shouldn't be disregarding yours. If you are uncomfortable not soothing your LO he should respect that.  He should possibly read some sleep books that discuss how infant sleep works. Not a single one recommends any type of training before 6 months. Maybe he'll listen to experts. 

    I just don't get how people expect a BABY to learn to be independent. They are by nature dependent. My 15 month old toddler is now very independent. She has been sick the last few nights and wants to cuddle in bed for a while and then she asks to go "night night" in her own crib. It all does come in time. 

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  • Like others have said, IMO your H's plan is not reasonable or appropriate for a 4 week old. However, I also don't think that expecting your H to hold him from 10-1 to every night is reasonable either even (especially?) for a SAH parent. Understand that the panicky feeling you get from his plan is probably the same thing he feels at the thought of 3+ hours a night of interrupted semi-sleep.

    I would talk to your husband and let him know that you hear and understand his need for LO's sleep situation to change, but that his plan is not reasonable
    (or rather, neither plan is). Y'all need to come to a compromise that will work for both of you. 

    Is cosleeping an option? Or you could try a rock n play sleeper, sidecarring the crib, heck, even sleeping in the swing (desperate times and measures, you know?).  Definitely try swaddling, white noise, and a paci if you're not already.

    There may be a time when your H's plan to get LO to sleep in the crib might be appropriate, but that time is many months away. Hang in there, mama (and dad!)!

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  • Do you have a ronck N play?  We finally bought one for DS at twoish weeks b/c he was the same way and I was really trying not to bed share.  We put it beside the bed so I could put my hand in it on his chest and I can rock it while half asleep.  He is 5.5 weeks old and sleeps 3 hour stretches at night. 

    We wear him for naps or just hold him.

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  • Thanks everyone. It's just hard bc DH and I are so collaborative usually and I don't know how to deal with him about this. I do suspect reflux and we talked to pedi but if it's there it's mild. I have tried co-sleeping in a separate, safe bed to no avail. Unless he is held and moving, no dice. He does best if you are wearing him and sitting on an exercise ball bouncing. We do that a lot of the day but realistically can't all night. I looked into a rock n play but was horrified by all of the reviews on amazon that attributed it to flat head to the point of needing a shaping helmet. I do swaddle and I bought a white noise machine today. We are also going to switch to a more absorbent cloth diaper at night because he is sensitive to even the least bit of wetness and we CD. We don't use a paci- the first few nights we tried but if we could get it to help it fell out quickly and then it was back to square one. We are encouraging thumb sucking which he is doing with help but can't do alone yet, obviously and can't do swaddled. I am actually considering not swaddling; I have to swaddle him asleep or he won't fall asleep and when he wakes swaddled he flips out and would never fall back asleep. He is just a touchy guy, we came in to having #2 with confidence; DD was NOT easy but we worked hard and figured her out. Now it feels like we have tried everything and failed. DH even mentioned that he is afraid baby's temperment is affecting his ability to attach which upset us both. I am so exhausted I can't think straight. Sigh. Thanks for the listening :)
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  • I agree with PPs. It is just to early for this. Your baby is behaving like a normal newborn.

    A couple of thoughts...your baby may be hungry. Three hours is an extremely long time for some NBs to go between feedings. If you are nursing, A NB can easily nurse 12-14 times per day! Babies go through growth spurts that pay no heed to the clock. Watching your baby's hunger cues rather than the clock may really help things.

    One thing that may appeal to your DH is to just think about this in terms of development and logic. Until 4 weeks ago, your baby didn't know what laying down still was. Every single second was spent swaying to some degree or another in a perfectly warm, cozy enviornment, filled with white noise. Baby was "held" 24/7. Even if you held your baby 18 hours a day, that would be an EXTREME change.

    Now, I do agree that there has to be sleep and sanity. But, that is best done within compromise and reasonable expectations. Can you two work out sleeping and baby time shifts?

    During your waking hours, can you/he wear baby while you do other things (from computer time to playing with your other child to chores) so baby can work towards "filling up his attachment tank"?

    Happiest Baby on the Block has some great tips for helping baby feel soothed like swaddling, shushing, etc. You might want to check that out. Also, go through all of the basics: is the room too hot or cold, are baby's clothes to hot or cold, does baby have a dry diaper, is baby hungry, etc.

  • DS was like this as well, we used the baby Bjorn bouncer and swaddle me, he slept in it for about 4 months. It is very easy to bounce, I sat it in his co-sleeper right next to my bed, if he started to wake I would bounce him a little and he would go right back to sleep.
  • As far as I know the RnP only gives them a flat head if you leave them in it ALOT.  Like for every sleeping moment.  We wear him durring the day or simply hold him and rock, we do tummy time and he sits in his swing too.  All of those things negate the flat head ideas.  In fact we only use it at night mainly b/c we don't want him to get tired of it and then not sleep in there. 

    Like PP said though, as a NB they just fuss and want held and held and held some more, it is all they know.  For all they know some big scary something could jump out and hurt them if they aren't in your arms.

    You might could try a nap nanny too they seem pretty cool though they are kinda pricey and you could sit it in a sidecared crip or cosleeper or shoot even in bed to cosleep.. 

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  • imagepenguinem:
    Thanks everyone. It's just hard bc DH and I are so collaborative usually and I don't know how to deal with him about this. I do suspect reflux and we talked to pedi but if it's there it's mild. I have tried co-sleeping in a separate, safe bed to no avail. Unless he is held and moving, no dice. He does best if you are wearing him and sitting on an exercise ball bouncing. We do that a lot of the day but realistically can't all night.

    First of all, it sounds like you are doing a really good job and trying whatever you can.  You will figure this out.  Because of what I bolded above, I would try a swing. You might even go to a baby store and put him in different ones because I know the motion is different for different swings.  I know you aren't "supposed" to let them sleep in swings all the time, but if it gets you and YH a few longer stretches at night, I would go for it.

    And FWIW DD slept in the RNP for 3 months for every sleep time (unless she was napping on us) and napped there until 7 months and her head is just fine. :)

  • What about a bouncer? https://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-Playtime-Bouncer-Precious-Planet/dp/B002RL809S/ref=sr_1_17?ie=UTF8&qid=1330927531&sr=8-17 My son took some naps and quite a bit of nighttime sleep in this thing for months. It kept him upright a bit, moved just enough, and he couldn't resist the vibration feature. People rave about the rock n play but this thing was our saving grace. They have some at Target that are even cheaper, the price depends on the toy attachment which he won't need for sleep. 
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  • Rnp will only give a baby a flat head if it is predisposed to getting a flat head and would get one from a crib. bed. or anywhere else.  only way to avoid flat head in that case is sleeping on you.

    strongly encourage you to use a rnp next to the bed and feed your baby on demnd.  lo is probably hungry.  keep in mind that you just passed the 3 week growth spurt and are coming up on 6 week growth spurt.  you and dh are both sleep deprived and adjusting to being a new parent.  the first 2 months are really the hardest.  i promise it willbget better.

     

    i agree with others that your dh plan is not developmentally appropriate.  remind your dh that your baby is a month old.  in 2 years from now you are going to wish that lo wanted to be held more.  in 10 years you are really going to miss the baby that just wanted to be held...

     

    i promise it will get better.  hang in there. 

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  • Thanks again everyone! Just wanted to say I of course checked to see if LO was hungry! When he fusses between feeds in the middle of the night, he stops immediately upon being picked up and is typically not able to wake for a feed unless it is time or he is giving clear hunger signs. If I can "make" him eat earlier than 2.5-3 hours he falls fast asleep after a few sucks and is surely unwakeable, even with diaper/ clothing removal, washcloth to face, etc. Sometimes if he is not ready he will push out his tounge to reject the breast. LO gained over two lbs in his first four weeks. At around 3 hours, he is always ready to eat and will alert and drain both breasts. I have always fed on demand so no worries that I am not feeding my baby! :) As you'll see above we had a better night and it will hopefully continue.
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  • imagepenguinem:
    Thanks everyone. It's just hard bc DH and I are so collaborative usually and I don't know how to deal with him about this. I do suspect reflux and we talked to pedi but if it's there it's mild. I have tried co-sleeping in a separate, safe bed to no avail. Unless he is held and moving, no dice. He does best if you are wearing him and sitting on an exercise ball bouncing. We do that a lot of the day but realistically can't all night. I looked into a rock n play but was horrified by all of the reviews on amazon that attributed it to flat head to the point of needing a shaping helmet. I do swaddle and I bought a white noise machine today. We are also going to switch to a more absorbent cloth diaper at night because he is sensitive to even the least bit of wetness and we CD. We don't use a paci- the first few nights we tried but if we could get it to help it fell out quickly and then it was back to square one. We are encouraging thumb sucking which he is doing with help but can't do alone yet, obviously and can't do swaddled. I am actually considering not swaddling; I have to swaddle him asleep or he won't fall asleep and when he wakes swaddled he flips out and would never fall back asleep. He is just a touchy guy, we came in to having #2 with confidence; DD was NOT easy but we worked hard and figured her out. Now it feels like we have tried everything and failed. DH even mentioned that he is afraid baby's temperment is affecting his ability to attach which upset us both. I am so exhausted I can't think straight. Sigh. Thanks for the listening :)

    What do you mean by his "temperament?" is he fussy or crying when he is awake?

    Also, mild reflux can still be painful, especially at night when they are flat. The contents of the stomach will flow up the esophagus much more easily when they are not on an incline. 

    image

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