New here, just found the board :)

bmv1980

Hi there!  So, my story...DH and I share 2 kiddos.  My 13yo son, and his 3 and a half yo daughter.  My son is with us full time, his dad is rarely around.  He calls every few weeks (he has dropped off the map basically...no phone, address, etc.)  SD is currently with us every other weekend and one weeknight for 3 hours.   Also, we are expecting #3 in September   We have been together for all of SD's life.  (DH and BM only dated a couple of months and she stopped taking BC...she thought she hit the jackpot...and sadly has done everything possible to keep my husband out of his daughter's life)

I have a question for all of you.  DH has mediation soon and we ultimately want at least 50/50.  We both (DH and I) agree that we should be the "primary" custodial family because BM lives with her parents, lives off of welfare and child support, and has no desire to better her life or SD's (her birth daughter).  For those of you that have primary custodial rights....was it incredibly difficult to get?  I completely understand that each situation is different, but hearing about your experiences may give us hope.  TIA!  And I'm glad to have found this group, it seems like a place to get support from others in similar situations. 

FutureMrsWittig

Never give up hope.    We have joint custody and my DH has primary physical custody.

Nineoceans

It is very challenging and welfare and living with relatives is not reason enough to change custody. We only got shared because BM had a serious meth/heroin addiction and even then the courts were not planning to completely reverse custody. The best advice I have is to hire the absolute best attorney money can find because the attorney who golfs with the magistrate on the weekends is what our kids lives come down to. Sad but true. If we could do our court case over with a better attonery we probably would have won but the magistrates were pressuring us to settle for shared because we have had a pending case for two years. Our legal bill was also $20k. As long as you go into it with your eyes wide open...

Holly_1007

welcome!

every court and judge is different.  Most courts have a hard time taking custody away from BM unless there are drugs/abuse involved.  they do not have a difficult time letting dads spend time with the kids though, as long as dad proves himself worthy.

 In the state we live in, you cannot "fight" for 50/50 custody.  either both parties agree or one party has to find the other party 'unfit' in which case full custody is awarded. 

I agree with pp, put the money and time into a lawyer now.  

Document EVERYTHING BM does (or doesn't do) if her living situation is dangerous, put a call into CPS for a well being check on the child.  

best of luck!

bmv1980

Thanks everyone...it's been a tough road.  Been working on the custody situation since SD was a couple months old.  We have a good lawyer, that we are up to our eyeballs in debt with.  Hopefully we get at least the 50/50 deserved.  Thanks again for sharing!

ambrvan

Most states are seriously leaning toward the 50/50 thing now, so I hope that goes well for you. As long as there is no great distance between y'all, I don't see any reason (from what you have given) that the court would not encourage it.

As far as getting primary custody changed, you're probably looking at something much more difficult. It certainly is not impossible, but in my personal experience (and from what I have seen in others), despite financial and living arrangements, the courts are reluctant to change that unless there is an obvious reason (i.e. unsafe living situations or abuse).

We have full custody of my 5yo SD, but we have been fighting for it since she was 2yo, and it took a horrible revelation to even begin to get anywhere. Our situation involves things that you think would ordinarily warrant an immediate result and even a criminal case, but custody battles are always just that - battles. At least, as long as there are disagreeing parties, and there are certainly more disagreements and not.

But maybe I'm just being a pessimist.

I wish you all the best!

dmndsr4eva

I am genuiely surprised at the number of people on this board who claim to have birth mothers with drug or abuse issues.  I do not have any substance abuse issues however my ex has threatened in the past to lie about my character to get more time with our son.  Which I understand is coming from a desperate place because he knows I have the upper hand with time and child support.  Plus when you make a serious claim like that and it turns out to be unsubstaintiated I would imagine the court doesn't look highly on false accusations.

I have not yet been to court but I am the BM and my ex has talked about fighting for 50/50 but he hasn't inthe 8 months since we broke up done anything about it.  He has an attorney but the attorney has never contacted my attorney or requested any more visitation formally then he is already getting.  He is getting EOW and every Weds. night.  My attorney told me this is a very standard visitation for a 2 year old.  My attorney is not expecting a judge to award my ex more visitation.  This may partially be because I live almost two hours away from him so sharing more time would be difficult.  My DS is already on the road too much as far as I'm concerned.  And I have heard from a lot of people that developmentally it is important for a young child to bond with one parent usually the mother.  It doesn't mean that father doesn't get time with the child but it just means that 50/50 may not be best at this age. 

I agree with other posters that BM living with her family and being on public assistance will not have any bearing on the court's decesion to her being a good or fit mother.  Until the child turns 5 the primary caregiver is not expected to work full time or even work at all.  Why should she work full time so that her child can be in daycare being raised by someone else all day? 

A friend of mine has a son and he is pretty well off and has a good lawyer and he fought for years for 50/50 and was not granted it until his son was seven I think.  Plus they live in the same city so I'm sure that was a factor into the court granting the 50/50.  When my son goes to school there is no way he can have 50/50 with his dad who lives 2 hours away.  In fact he will probably get less time because he probably won't be able to have Wednesday nights anymore.  Oh well, I guess he should have thought about that before he dumped me for his coworker...

 

bmv1980

Thanks again for all the responses.  Mediation went ok.  They decided to meet again, and hopefully come to an agreement outside of court.  The mediator mentioned the 50/50 schedule that her family has been following since her children were 3 yo, so that probably helped.  We do live close (20 min) to BM, so travel time isn't an issue. 

Here's what gets me...since when is it not expected that both parents work (at least part time)?  And how come mothers automatically have primary custody (except in VERY extreme cases)?  It just makes me so upset that fathers really have very little rights from birth.  In fact, it seems that they have to fight to get any time with their children (MH has had to go as far as take a hair drug analysis to disprove the accusations made by BM in an attempt to prolong litigation) .  I also think that child support is askew...why should a father have to pay a mother so that she can stay home?  I'm sure many dads would like to be home with their babies instead of working their tails off to simply make ends meet.

I am also a BM.  I have chosen a work situation conducive to having children.  I am fortunate to be a site director for a before and after school program as well as a preschool (3-5 yo).  We receive 75% off our bill for child care and are willing to pay for it in full.  However BM doesn't want to send SD to preschool at all, despite her admission of being a poor student herself, with very low self efficacy.  I just don't understand why some women seem to be so opposed to their children having a relationship with their fathers.  

Sorry, I'm done with my vent.

 

  

 

 

hterry85

bmv1980:

Thanks again for all the responses.  Mediation went ok.  They decided to meet again, and hopefully come to an agreement outside of court.  The mediator mentioned the 50/50 schedule that her family has been following since her children were 3 yo, so that probably helped.  We do live close (20 min) to BM, so travel time isn't an issue. 

Here's what gets me...since when is it not expected that both parents work (at least part time)?  And how come mothers automatically have primary custody (except in VERY extreme cases)?  It just makes me so upset that fathers really have very little rights from birth.  In fact, it seems that they have to fight to get any time with their children (MH has had to go as far as take a hair drug analysis to disprove the accusations made by BM in an attempt to prolong litigation) .  I also think that child support is askew...why should a father have to pay a mother so that she can stay home?  I'm sure many dads would like to be home with their babies instead of working their tails off to simply make ends meet.

I am also a BM.  I have chosen a work situation conducive to having children.  I am fortunate to be a site director for a before and after school program as well as a preschool (3-5 yo).  We receive 75% off our bill for child care and are willing to pay for it in full.  However BM doesn't want to send SD to preschool at all, despite her admission of being a poor student herself, with very low self efficacy.  I just don't understand why some women seem to be so opposed to their children having a relationship with their fathers.  

Sorry, I'm done with my vent.

 

  

 

 

You're preahcing to the choir here on this! lol Most of us fully understand where you're coming from with this frustration.

Good luck with the next round!