Intro and Vent

Floridamom224

Hi there!  My name is Kelly, and I am the proud preemie mom of Camryn, and 5 year old Isaiah.  I am so sorry to be intro'ing with a vent, but i didn't really know who else to ask who might be in the same situation.

DD was born Feb 5, and was 6 weeks early.  She spent a week in the NICU, which was a short stay for a 34 weeker, and she did really well.  My plan was to EBF, but it has been an uphill battle.  I wasn't able to attempt breastfeeding until day 2.  I pumped when I wasn't with DD, tried to BF when I was with her (but it took a week for my milk to come in), and she was also supplemented with formula.  i tried everything to keep my supply up, but realized about a week ago that my supply was just not enough to satisfy DD.  So, I have been breastfeeding, then supplementing with the formula.  While I provide DD with about an ounce of breast milk (sometimes less), it has become apparent to me that eventually I will probably just turn to formula feeding.  This was hard for me to swallow, but after a few days of desperately trying to save my supply. I just don't think it is going to happen.  DD is so much happier when she has her formula bottles.  She is still so hungry after attempting to BF, and screams sometimes she is so desperate to be full.

I have tried for several days to let DH know that I am planning to switch to formula only.  He has just disregarded my statements and just told me to keep trying to BF.  I have calmly explained to him that my supply just isn't there, and finally tonight when he brought her to me to BF Her, I explained to him that I had decided to just FF.  He got upset and basically told me I was giving up and that I was NOT going to do that, and that BF was what was best for her and that I needed to continue to do it.  He didnt care if i gave her formula to supp. but he was ADAMANT that I was not to give up BF.  REALLY?!  What does he know?  I tried explaining to him that it just didn't work out like I had planned and that I could not help that.  He basically scoffed at me like I was stupid and that every women just has some miraculous never ending breast milk supply.  So, I obliged him and BF DD (knowing she was NOT going to get what she needed), and when she was upset and crying from not being able to be satisfied, I brought her to him so he could see how hungry she was.

He prepared a bottle and she drank what she needed of it and went to sleep peacefully.  I think I made my point, but really?  Has anyone dealt with an issue like this with their husband or SO??  THanks!

snoangel79

I'm sorry you are dealing with this! My thoughts are I am trying to breast feed but I will be happy to get what I can and will supplement if I have to. I had radiation to my chest for non-hodgkin's lymphoma at age 23 and I am so happy I am even producing! I went to bring my milk yesterday to the NICU and I was told  I am producing half of what I "should be" at this point (1 week out) by an evil lactation lady! Luckily there was another lady with her that was more knowledgable of my history and told me she was very proud of me for producing what I was! That shut rude lady up but it still hurt me! I'm ok with supplementing because I want my kids to grow and do well but I do understand when someone tells you something like that it is extremely hurtful! Everyone is different and your husband for some reason is not understanding which I'm assuming is stressing you more! You do what you need to do to get your baby fed!! Hugs to you!!

shanlubey

I am very sorry you are dealing with that. Switching from NG tube feeds to bottle feeding was hard, so hard I switched to EBF instead. It was such a struggle for me. I was dealing with other issues that made me want to quit BFing and continuing to bottle train him at home. It took six weeks, but he went to the bottle. No experience is the same, but boy, I hear you. No matter what you do, there is ALWAYS someone to judge or think they know best for you. Your baby will feel the stress.  

To answer your question, no. I never had to deal with that from DH. I wear the pants, and the one instant he asked if it was too early to quit breastfeeding, I shot him the eye and he backtracked, telling me it was his intention to make sure I was happy, hahaha. I would donkey punch him if he ever thought he could make a decision about my boobs. But that is just my marital dynamic. Not every marriage/relationship is the same. Men sometimes overestimate our abilities and think we can do it all without any trouble.

Just like the preemie experience. We all have different paths, but our destination is the same: a lifetime of reminding our kids of all the stress they put us through. Feel free to vent here. Who else knows how you feel as a preemie mom better than we do?!? 

katie4253

So many preemie moms don't have the supply to breast feed.  That's what happens (often) when your placenta is taken from your body too early. 

It's a cold hard fact of life for lots of preemie moms.  I think your attitude is awesome actually.  You are moving forward and not dwelling on it.  Your H needs to pull the stick out of his butt and get with the program.

Really though, it might help for him to know that low supply is extremely common if you have a preemie.  Your body wasn't ready to give birth, thus it was also not ready to make milk. Additionally, preemies aren't as strong as full term babies and struggle to empty the breast (thus not cuing the body to make more milk).

katie4253

shanlubey:

I would donkey punch him if he ever thought he could make a decision about my boobs.

yeah, me too.  H was 100% on board with whatever I wanted to do.  I went back and forth about quitting pumping from month 5-8 and all he EVER said is "I support you no matter what you choose to do".  If he'd said anything else, we would have had words.  

andreakirchoff

My DH's mom is a lactation consultant, therefore it was more important to him than most men that I try to breastfeed.  That said, I was rather ambivalent about it, and with some thought to the practicallity of my life had planned to stop at the end of maternity leave.  WIth that in mind my plan was to exclusively pump, so that LO would not reject the bottle when it came time for me to go back to work and switch to formula.  

 

That said, our little guy (33 wks 5 dys) had some issues with the lactose.  Which runs in the family.  We switched the little guy to a soy formula, and he is doing much better (no direha ....killed the spelling on that one, and howling through the night because his tummy hurt).  There was a brief suggestion of me going on a lactose free diet, which I gave a major stink eye to.  And then asked whether or not he was hoping for more little ones.  That put an end to that conversation.

 It sounds like your dh is being a jerk.  And ulitmately you need to do what's best for you and LO, which sounds to me like formula feeding.  But that's just my two cents. Any thoughts on where your DH got such an adamant pro breast feeding stance?

Floridamom224

andreakirchoff:

My DH's mom is a lactation consultant, therefore it was more important to him than most men that I try to breastfeed.  That said, I was rather ambivalent about it, and with some thought to the practicallity of my life had planned to stop at the end of maternity leave.  WIth that in mind my plan was to exclusively pump, so that LO would not reject the bottle when it came time for me to go back to work and switch to formula.  

 

That said, our little guy (33 wks 5 dys) had some issues with the lactose.  Which runs in the family.  We switched the little guy to a soy formula, and he is doing much better (no direha ....killed the spelling on that one, and howling through the night because his tummy hurt).  There was a brief suggestion of me going on a lactose free diet, which I gave a major stink eye to.  And then asked whether or not he was hoping for more little ones.  That put an end to that conversation.

 It sounds like your dh is being a jerk.  And ulitmately you need to do what's best for you and LO, which sounds to me like formula feeding.  But that's just my two cents. Any thoughts on where your DH got such an adamant pro breast feeding stance?

HAHA, we def had words about it.  I have NO idea where he got such an adamant position of BF!  He wasn't BF, nor was I.  He just keeps chiming on about how good it is for LO etc etc etc.  So, I told him he was more than welcome to offer his boob instead. LOL.

snoangel79

Just wanted to add sounds like he thinks it's so much better than formula. My mom breast fed me for 6 months. I used to get sick as a child all the time and ended up with cancer at 23 so you cannot really say that it's so much better than formula. My sisters were formula fed and they are healthy. I am trying to breast feed but since I am providing "enough" for one at this point heck knows! I will feed my kids regardless what they need to grow. I just wanted to make this argument maybe for your husband to see that just because you get breast milk doesn't mean your kid will be "healthier". Maybe this will help you prove that you have to give your LO what you can provide to keep them growing. The stress I'm sure of him being like this is not helping either...

Idomoodou2

Myhusband and I went through sort of the same thing.  I think it was just hard for him to understand the emotional and physical toll it took for me to even attempt to breastfeed, and then when she didn't latch and i was pumping for 3 months, it just got to be too much.  I blame my self particularly because i didn't let anyone see the toll it took on me.  I happily attached plastic to my boobs and pumped away. 

When i started talking about stopping, my husband just kind of ignored me.  However i think me may have realized something cause there were times where i was pumping and he was feeding he would state "This seems highly inefficent."  There was one night in particular once i stopped pumping, my husband got on me about how he doesn't see why i would want to stop. 

I tried to calmly explain that it was just too much physically and emotionally.  I tried to explain to him that i have to pump evey 2 hours or so, pop what seemed like hundreds of herbal pills and eat and drink like a monster, only to not be able to produce nearly enough.  his responce was that i should just keep trying.  I shut the door and cried to my mom.  I think he was outside the door listening to the convrosation because he came in shortly after and apologized and started to rattle off why it might be a good idea to stop. 

Floridamom224

Idomoodou2:

Myhusband and I went through sort of the same thing.  I think it was just hard for him to understand the emotional and physical toll it took for me to even attempt to breastfeed, and then when she didn't latch and i was pumping for 3 months, it just got to be too much.  I blame my self particularly because i didn't let anyone see the toll it took on me.  I happily attached plastic to my boobs and pumped away. 

When i started talking about stopping, my husband just kind of ignored me. 

THIS!  This is how I feel when I bring it up.   

However i think me may have realized something cause there were times where i was pumping and he was feeding he would state "This seems highly inefficent."  There was one night in particular once i stopped pumping, my husband got on me about how he doesn't see why i would want to stop. 

I tried to calmly explain that it was just too much physically and emotionally.  I tried to explain to him that i have to pump evey 2 hours or so, pop what seemed like hundreds of herbal pills and eat and drink like a monster, only to not be able to produce nearly enough.  his responce was that i should just keep trying.  I shut the door and cried to my mom.  I think he was outside the door listening to the convrosation because he came in shortly after and apologized and started to rattle off why it might be a good idea to stop. 

This is exactly what happened last night.  If it wasn't so late I woud have called my mom so I could vent.  I am eating and drinking a ton and taking Fenugreek.  It just seems so counterproductive.  He atleast did apologize and I agreed to continue giving her what I can...and if my supply stops then I am DONE.